Another blended family one

[whenireachtheplaceimgoing]

Hi all, hope you're having a great Saturday eve. I'll start by saying that I'm a single mum of two great kids (8 and 4yrs old). They have no contact with their father, that was his choice and he moved abroad when my youngest was a baby. Whatever. We're a strong unit and happy. I've been single all this time, no dating as wasn't fussed but a while ago ago, met a great guy unexpectedly in an everyday situation. Things are going very well and if they continue that way, would like to introduce my children in another few months. However - reading the step family threads on here has me recoiling in horror and worrying my babies will be desperately unhappy bringing someone new in to the fold. Of course, things will be very casual for a long time with them, but you also think about the what if's long term. I should add, new boyfriend has no little ones of his own, does that make a difference?! My two are both well adjusted, fun loving, accepting. I don't want to change that. Recent threads on here have made me a little worried. Cheers x

Yeah, I wouldn't expect a fair hearing on here, MN tends to be very anti-blended families and step-parenting, etc.

All situations are different. Just take it at your own pace and see how it goes.

Don't make big life decisions based on a few people on mumsnet.

Try not to worry. Also, it seems to be better when the other parent is not in the picture

Stepmum here.

Personally I'd wait a year. Really get to know each other.

YANBU for your concerns based on the toxic step parenting philosophies promoted but step parents on this site. But in the real world, I don’t think you need to be paralysed with worry.
Just make sure you know his character really well and have all the conversations you need to about how the role you mutually expect him to play in your kids lives before moving him in or anything like that xx

Do you have anyone that can mind the kids so you can date? Personally, I think your better to wait until your serious about a future before introducing your kids. Ex SIL has introduced a fair number of dick heads to my nephew. Some were kind some were spiteful, nasty wankers. These interactions have had an impact on his emotional wellbeing and sense of security.

Does he want kids of his own? Do you want more children?

Hiya everyone. Thanks for the responses. He's not fussed either way about having his own children, he's very laid back. I would be open to having another in the future if I was settled, married etc. Depending on how my kids were with it all.

My husband has kids a bit older - 11 and 13, when we married. The eldest moved in with us full time after we had our own. It wasn't what I wished for, but I could hardly say no. It was fine, we all got along. The ex was far more of an issue than the boys, though even that eventually settled down.
I know a few blended families, and while not all smooth sailing, I wouldn't say there were particularly more issues than a regular family. Plenty for f nightmare things going on when all are fully related too.

I think your DCs father not being in the picture at all adds another dimension to it. Happy as you are in your unit, most DC want two parents. Most parents want a coparent, so there's a vacancy in your lives for more than just a partner for you. You need to be very certain both that he wants the job and that he's worthy of it.

As long as your standards are high, and you maintain those, you don’t allow them to slip, and you don’t allow yourself to be treated badly in front of your children, I’m sure it will be absolutely fine.

Where it seems to go, pear-shaped is when men and women move in, and start trying to rule the roost and bullying, the children and the mother. And she allows it.

Step mum here and my dad has a step mum with her dad.

it can all work out. Her step mum is great and she adores her! We just keep things kind and respectful and actually did a trip to London for my dad together.

as for my step kids, they’re loud and wild and fun. It’s not always easy but I’ve always done anything needed for them.

we introduced both ways on neutral ground, kept it light and fun and leave the telling off to the biological parents

I had dc when I met dh. Older dc knew within a few weeks as I felt deceitful (adult dc).. They hit it off and he met my younger ones soon after.. It was the dc who wanted him invited for Christmas.. My younger ones also never see their df... Made it easier ime. Been 10 years and have a ds together! Personally I needed to see how they got on before investing time and energy if they didn't do was open to am early meet up! Mn will tell you to wait until you are both pension age and your dc most definitely won't be affected...

A babysitter is expensive but cheaper than a lawyer. Find out much more about your man before you add him to the equation.

I don't think there is any one rule fits all with blended families. You can't take everything you read here as a solid indicator because you're hardly going to get loads of posts by the people who've successfully blended saying how happy they all are.

However it can be handy to look out for the pitfalls which run a common theme on here. I personally dont see that many posts on here where I just think the step parent is horrible. It often seems a lot more nuanced i.e. man moves in with woman and then expects her to take over everything with his kids and she's vilified for resenting that further down the line.

I think you really need to think about what it is you want and expect from him in relation to your children and relay that to him clearly so he knows where he stands and what will be expected of him if he continues this relationship. Do you want someone in a dad role eventually? Do you want someone to just be your partner and leave the child rearing to you? Whatever it is get it clear in your head and communicate it, I believe that is your responsibility as your child's parent. Too many partners of parents on here seem to not know where they stand and it can lead to issues. I don't really subscribe to the whole 'they knew what they were getting into so any issues are their fault'. You are ultimately responsible for your children therefore you need to ensure you communicate boundaries and expectations clearly and if those cannot be met then you don't go ahead.

You sound like a wonderful mother prioritising your children’s welfare and thinking ahead of the impact this new person will have on their lives. This is not the
case in many of the similar threads I’ve read
on here. wishing you well whatever you decide,
im sure you will do what’s right

I think it depends on how you introduce them. Eg if there is a family or friends BBQ and he also comes along and is introduced to them as mummy's friend or boyfriend, up to you. But bringing him into your intimate family life like the breakfasts and the bedtime stories etc etc is very different. I'd do thinks like the first for a while before allowing him into the second

You are right to be wary, it's ok for the ones on here that haven't had serious issues thinking every blended family is same as theirs but it's also very rare for a woman to admit out loud she made a bad choice and the consequences of that.
I worked in the criminal justice system for many years and was deeply shocked as to the number of cases involving new partners and step parents and that was just the ones that had been reported.
My advice would be to take it slow, no rush, use common sense and listen to any of the children's concerns.

Thus. I agree with waiting but mumsnet would have you waiting till forever. You may end up falling for him and its an absolute car crash when everyone finally meets. Bring him for days out. You come as a unit so I'm not sure why the meeting needs putting off.

Introduce as a friend on days out, keep it simple, sense the vibe , the interactions and take from there… only you can say!

Very good advice