That’s he’s keeping this secret?

[Wendarl]

My husband was going on about needing to see a friend one day next weekend which happens to be my bday.

When I said I’d rather he didn’t do it on my bday he (only) then shared that the friend had asked him explicitly not to tell me but “something has happened. It affects him but also everyone else. And so I do feel I need to see him as soon as I can”. I asked him if he was ill and he said no but that’s as much as I asked and he didn’t offer anymore.

so I’ve said it’s fine (as we do).

I’m annoyed because I’m pretty sure he forgot it was my bday and he decided now he would allude to the ‘secret’ to justify why he was asking if he could go do something else that day. Im also annoyed he is keeping something from me too tbh, we’ve been married 10 years and I tell him absolutely everything. It’s thrown me.

Am I reasonable to be annoyed at none, some, or all of the above?

Hi op

Any chance it could be a surprise party?

This made me smile and then feel abit sadder.

No absolutely not unfortunately. have small kids so was more him telling me I’d be solo with them for the day/ eve.

I would be really annoyed . It's crap he's going out on ur bday and that he hasn't made an effort

I can see why you are annoyed regarding your birthday. However, just because you tell him absolutely everything, doesn't mean that he should break a confidence if he's been asked to keep it.

If he was that desperate to see his friend surely it wouldn't wait till the weekend? And how will it need all day? Can he pop round for a few hours then spend the rest of the day/evening with you?

I r hi k it’s normal to be disappointed that you won’t be doing something on your birthday but unless he’s usually flakey about occasions then I’d let this one go, I think. A friend has clearly asked him for help with something important and ultimately you can celebrate your birthday the following day (or another day.) I wouldn’t share something private a friend had asked me not to with anyone, either, not even DH. It isn’t his information to tell you.

You have two issues here.
First, your birthday. Yanbu, he shouldn't ditch you on your birthday, and he clearly hadn't had anything else planned for you , or he would have had to change those plans. That was shitty of him.

Second, he is untitled to his privacy. Just because you are married doesn't make you automatically entitled to his thoughts, and I say that as being married 25 years.

I don’t keep many secrets from my partner, and I think it’s not really feasible to do so, but there can be exceptions.

However given his friend isn’t dying, he can see him on a day that isn’t your birthday. Financial disasters and affairs can wait a few days.

I think you are probably right and he forgot your birthday - that isn’t terrible in itself but it’s irritating he is bluffing his way around it.

For the people saying that the OP is unreasonable, if you have the kind of relationship where you generally do tell each other everything, then suddenly being secretive will ring alarm bells.

Nothing wrong with not telling per se, but when you generally do talk about everything then it’s not unreasonable to wonder why the secrets all of a sudden.

IMO he’s lying. He forgot your birthday and made up the fact his friend has a secret on the spur of the moment as a get-out. And because it’s a “secret” you have no way of objecting.

If his friend was in that much of a difficult situation he’d be going to him today, not waiting a week, by which time the secret is likely to have come out to the people around the friend anyway.

So yeah. I call bullshit on his part.

If he can’t change it then he can take the kids with him

The way you describe it, I wouldn’t believe him either, OP. And I wouldn’t have told him I was okay with him going. It’s not really believable that he has to go on your birthday. If it were truly urgent and important he’d go before. If it can wait till next weekend it can wait for another day.

Take a friend and all your kids out for a lovely day. Get a babysitter and go for a few drinks or something in the evening and treat yourself. He obviously doesn’t value your special day much if he is choosing to see a friend instead of make it special for you. Even if the friend has bad news he can see friend at any other time. Just get on with celebrating without him OP.He sounds disappointing.

Can't be that bad if he is waiting a week to see him. Imo you absolutely must free up some time before then so he can go. His reaction will be telling..

Suggest he takes your DC for a couple of hours, then does something with you in the afternoon/ evening?

And when he comes home, clearly shaken by the news his friend gives him?

It sounds like the friend has already told him, he just won't share with OP. It's not clear why he needs to visit

He admitted he had forgotten all about the bday. Saw an empty calendar and just went ahead. I told him it was poor form to then use the secret to squirm out of it, but have left him to it. I’ll plan something for myself on the other weekend day and leave him with the kids, better outcome for me tbh!

thanks all for the wise words and chance to share