to worry that my dc (boy) is going to experience all of this shit because he has no dad or even a father figure?

[whereIwentWrong]

DS has never met his dad, entirely his dad’s choice. I’ve even offered to do the journey so ex doesn’t have to travel. His dad is quite high profile as in easily found online and has done very well for himself. I worry hugely that one day dc will look this up and find all this information on his dad which will only make it feel worse for dc. It makes me feel sick with anxiety when I think about it.

I’ve been reading tonight about the effects of no dad being around at it says behavioural problems, increased risk of suicide etc etc. I don’t know how I can ever protect ds from this? His dad has no other family and no other dc and I genuinely have no idea why he’s never met him. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but we had talked ENDLESSLY about ttc in the near future when it happened and he came with me to all our scans and then disappeared when I was 30 weeks. I have no explanation for our ds and it makes me so sad. I feel hopeless in efforts to protect him.

There are increased statistics for dc without fathers yes, but it does entirely depend on how you bring them up.

My dc dad buggered off when my youngest was 6 months old (now 5). They are well adjusted, well behaved kids with lots of support. The statistics are a concern but I do everything in my power to counteract them. If they have a loving mother who supports them, don't worry too much about the future. You deal with what you are dealt.

They are statistics, not a textbook of what will happen to your son. You are clearly a great mum, because you're worried and you've researched. But that strong male role model doesn't have to be his dad. Do you still have your dad, a brother or any good male friends (or partners of your female friends) who would be a good influence on your son that you could spend time around for him?

DH’s father only met him once when he was a baby. No other male figure in his life growing up other than his grandad who he didn’t see very often at all

He is lovely and well rounded. Quite sensitive and easily upset but has the most caring heart and can’t wait to be a father himself. I wouldn’t worry about statistics specifically relating to that, it’s about so much more too

Thank you so much, this is reassuring to hear. I can’t believe some men have met their dc and then never seen them again? What the fuck. It’s sickening.

@strawberryjeans may I ask does he ever get upset about it? Has he tried to find his dad and speak to him? I am so scared ds will do this and god knows what reception he would get.

Of course! I don’t think it enters his head every day but whenever I bring it up he does go quiet. It is a complicated situation, his parents were teenagers when they had him and it was less that his dad wanted nothing to do with him. His dad later married and now has a couple of older teenagers. I think DH would like to contact him one day but is worried about being rejected or contact being one sided, he thinks it’s a very big deal and wonders why his dad never reached out so far when as the parent the ball is in his court. It is hard and I feel for him in some ways because I can’t imagine not having had my dad, or either of my parents throughout my childhood for that matter. People are resilient though and your lovely son won’t know any different with your love and care x

I get it. My son is already being asked by the boys in his school why he doesn’t have a dad and he finds it embarrassing

My DS has no memory of his dad, who he last saw when he was 18 months old ( he's now 11). He used to say he wanted a dad sometimes when he was little, and I'd say his dad does love him but doesn't know how to look after children well so doesn't know how to keep him safe. Which is a very PG version of the truth.

DS has benefitted from a close relationship with my dad and my DBs which I think had helped him a lot, plus his best friend since nursery has a stay at home dad, so he's fortunately always had male role models and interaction. He now adores my DP ( we don't live together) but he knows full well DP isn't his dad, they're just brilliant mates.

You can't magic up a caring involved dad for your DS, but that doesn't mean he had to be damaged. My DC would have been far more damaged if their dad had continued to be in their lives. You provide the best upbringing you can for your DS, that is all anyone can do.