Telling other people’s children off

[Sunshine13452]

we never allow our children to jump on our furniture (or anybody else’s) it’s just not something that I feel ok with.
However when brother in laws children visit they ALWAYS jump on all of the sofas, BIL and his partner never ask them to stop.
The other day I had enough and asked them to stop jumping on the sofa and that they were for sitting on.
I can’t help but feel a sense of guilt, but I don’t allow my own children to do it.

AIBU?

I understood perfectly from a young age the idea of "Auntie's house, Auntie's rules". and it will, as PP's have said, make life easier for the children in the future.
Their DM should be grateful that you are telling them, kindly but firmly, before they come across somebody else who is less moderate in their reaction - or she begins to wonder why the invitations to playdates are not forthcoming.......

You'd be very surprised at the amount of wet lettuces on here who start threads like...

"A child at soft play pushed my child over at the top of the slide. Was I being unreasonable to ask them to stop?"

I honestly don't know if it's the rise in SM and mobile phone text messaging etc, but something's turning normal functioning adults into wet lettuces who see basic communication as 'confrontation'.

Like I said, it's ridiculous and it makes me wonder where it'll end.

What you did was fine 👍

I'd tell them as you did, no matter the reaction. My SiL let her kids run riot in my house and got really nasty and sneery, when I told them not to do whatever.

Her then 14 year old son came down the stairs, trailing his hand on the white wall and I asked him not to. I explained that he'd left a greasy mark and she went mad, going "My children don't have greasy skin!"

Some people are just shitheads.

The rule here was one gentle request, one firmer telling off, and if they still did it they were asked to leave. That might have been with a visiting parent or might have been phoning the parent to collect them. The mother of DS's friend had to leave a hair appointment halfway through to remove the friend's sibling. I knew where she was and had tried to get the child to behave but when they deliberately broke something I had had enough. The mother was very apologetic.

I have very low tolerance of persistently badly behaved children and have no qualms about showing it in a polite but firm way. My "teacher look" is very useful sometimes.

OP you are nowhere near overstepping any boundaries. It's your home.

You haven't told them off, you have given them clear boundaries/rules. In my house we don't jump on furniture either and I have frequently had to tell other people's children that they don't get to do that in my house just as a friend who has a she is off rule pointed that out to my children the first time we visited. Now my children and I know to take our shoes off when we go there. If one of mine forgot I'd 100% support my friend reminding my child. Mind you I'm of the school of whichever adult sees bad behaviour/rule breaking should deal with it so I have no problems with mine being told off by someone else and have no problem dealing with other people's behaviour either.

Yes and it's also helpful for the parent! My Ds would get really hyped up at other people's houses then they'd fill him with sugar and hell would break loose. It often annoyed me that certain family members would sit in silence watching me give out to him over and over winking at him if they made eye contact and observing me manhandle him or removing him from the room again and again. If they had just said no jumping on my couch or you have to listen to your Mother he might actually stop.

I wouldn't see that as telling off, you are just telling them one of the rules of your house. I lot of parents seem to just ignore bad behaviour, it's ridiculous.

Absolutely fine to tell a child off for damaging your home.

My MIL had a strict no climbing / jumping on the furniture rule right from when my children were toddlers. I initially thought it was OTT until a year later a friend’s children visiting and used my furniture as an obstacle course. My children never did this as Granny had said No to this kind of behaviour. I have adopted her rule as a very good one.

YANBU. We have nieces and nephews over regularly and they're allowed to jump in furniture at home. Even the youngest (aged 4) is fully aware that they don't do this at my house because I've told them all. In fact we're quite strict but apparently they love coming (SIL jokes that it must be the novelty )

And don't equate having clear expectations of behaviour as "telling off" necessarily.

I would guess it also helps children understand the effect of their actions on other people. How is a child supposed to understand that their actions affect others, if everyone sits there silently while they're jumping on furniture and damaging things?

I have a vivid memory of being gently told off by a family friend as a child and while I felt embarrassed at the time, it calmed me down better than my parents could have, and made me realise that other adults noticed and cared about my behaviour.

YANBU. I honestly wouldn’t give it a second thought. Asking someone else’s child not to jump on furniture is perfectly reasonable so unless you screamed it at them I think it’s fine.

My nephews are naughty buggers and when I tell them off they say “mummy and/or daddy don’t have that rule”. I tell them that’s absolutely fine but these are the rules here and then we move on.

Whenever I have taken my DS to someone’s house, I’ve always told them that if he does anything there they don’t like (and I either don’t spot it, or I’m not aware they don’t like it) that they should tell him. It’s teaching his basic manners.

I have a child free friend whose Niece comes over and goes straight upstairs and jumps on her bed and she hates it but won’t say anything.

I wouldn’t usually agree with telling other’s children off, but if they were jumping on my furniture, without their parents speaking up. I would do so.

Me and my neighbour don't speak because of this issue. Her son has behavioural problems. And so does mine (ADHD). I've told my son, that if ANY adult comes across him doing anything he shouldn't while hes playing out and im not there to see it, they absolutely CAN tell him off. It's not just parents and teachers who can discipline children, it's every adults responsibility to stop bad behaviour if they see it, to teach children how to behave acceptably. A couple of times I've had another adult bring my son to the door and explain they've had to tell him off for such-&-such. I have supported them and also reprimanded his behaviour. ADHD children can be more difficult to teach when it comes to discipline and acceptable behaviour, as they can often do things without realising its bad. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be told off. They need reminding more often of how their behaviour can affect others. My sons bad behaviour when out is thankfully pretty infrequent, because now he's afraid of the consequences. Its made him think more about his own actions.

My neighbour OTOH thinks only she should tell her DC off. Even if she's not around to witness his bad behaviour (which is frequent, and getting worse as he hits puberty) and has blanked me for 4 years because I told her son off once for physically attacking smaller younger children out on the street.

The lack of anybconsequences is why his bad behaviour is so frequent, because nobody is allowed to say a word to him. If they do, she kicks off and sends her husband out to throw his weight around, making threats. This boy is bow becoming such a bully, he even started harassing another severely mentally ill neighbour. I told him off again, so not only am I blanked, I'm actively given dirty looks and they throw old food and litter over our fence.

Before she started blanking me, she told me abouy her own sister cutting her off for the same thing. The sister was so sick of this boys constant bad behaviour in their home, and my neighbour never doing anything about it (but kicking off if the sister told him off), the sister decided they couldnt visit anymore. They had a huge falling out about it and my neighbour was absolutely incensed... "that's MY son, how dare she tell him off!!"

OP, that is your home and everyone who enters it must follow your rules and respect it. If they don't, you have every right to tell them off. How else will they learn not to treat other people and their properties like crap?

You should have told them the very first time it wasn't acceptable. And have looked pointedly at your BIL, saying that children are not allowed to horseplay on the furniture.
But feel no guilt - next time set the rules from the off.

In our house rules are rules and if there are rules for our kids they apply to anyone visiting too.

The only thing YWBU about is not stopping them the first time they did it.

If she doesn't like other people telling her kids off she should stop them jumping on the furniture. It's not like it's an unusual rule, most people don't let their children jump on sofas, especially at someone else's house.