I can’t help but feel I’m changing him

[puglicious]

I met my current boyfriend just under a year ago. He’s lovely, so lovely.
I am 27 and he is 28. He’s a busy guy with lots of great hobbies, one being a team sport. He loves it and has always been hugely involved. I’ve seen videos of him being a huge part of the team, celebrating, having lots of beers after, singing, being the outgoing one. Playing every game possible.

This year, since meeting me, he has mellowed. He doesn’t play quite as many games anymore as he wants to spend some days with me. I encourage him to play and it’s his decision which is nice.
But also he has stopped drinking. Says he “doesn’t fancy it much anymore”, wants to get us both home if I want to have some drinks, and also to help his snoring.

He is adamant that this is all his decisions and he’s happy. He says he knows I probably don’t want everything to revolve around his sport.
I just can’t help but see old videos and feel like he’s a different person. Quieter, less out there, and the only one not drinking sometimes. I’m worried I make him a worse, less outgoing person.

Should I feel bad?

I mean only you know if you're applying undue influence but lots of people mellow out/settle down as they get older, especially as they settle into a long term relationship. As long as you're both genuinely happy and neither is controlling the other, I think it's fine.

Just hope I’m not doing it without even realising! Like would he still be like that if I wasn’t here

His priorities have changed and he's growing up. I don't see the problem.

I feel like under what you're saying is more that he's changed and you maybe like him a bit less now (and that's totally understandable and ok). From the sounds of it, he didn't enjoy going out and drinking and being the life of the party fuelled by alcohol. He sounds like he's happier now he has you for company and doesn't feel like he has to go out drinking to pass the time. He might not have ever been that outgoing but forced it on himself to keep good friendship circles and not have to be home alone.

It might be worth just saying to him that you DO like going out and having big drunken nights out and that you don't like to always go home early. It's really nice that he seems so comfortable and happy around you that he is perfectly happy to spend most his time with you. But maybe explain to him that that isn't always what you want? It might be partly down to your wording too as it sounds like he seems to think he's leaving early and staying in for you. Do you make it clear that you would prefer to stay out when he says he is ready to leave?

I would definitely tread carefully if you decide to mention to him at any point that he seems less outgoing though. My DP was the exact same when we first got together, with seeming to have so much energy, always wanting to go and do fun things and always being the life of the party. It's turned out he was using drugs and alcohol to hide emotional struggles. He gave it all up within a couple months of us meeting (all happened unbeknownst to me) and never looked back. He then seemed to completely mellow out and I'd have to be the one dragging him out for a night out. It's tricky because sometimes the people that seem like the life of the party are actually the ones struggling the most and have the least confidence.

As long as you know these are truly his choices you are overthinking for nothing.

I've been with my dh for about 11 years. He was really into a sport when we met, taking part every weekend and training almost every night. I was also involved in a similar sport and we both cut down a bit, it's quite natural as you grow up and priorities change. Both our social lives revolved around our sports so we had to reduce the time spent on it to make room for each other. I questioned it at times too but for us it was just us naturally moving on with life. We have 2 young dcs now so there's very little time for it all but we do still try and keep ourselves in the loop as much as we can.

Only you know if it's an issue but it may just be a natural progression.