To think there’s no hope here and that DP just won’t step up ?

[Lonevoiceasusual]

DS17 is an absolute nightmare and we are having so many struggles.

-He won’t clean up after himself at all. Room a tip etc
-He won’t walk the dog (the dog he begged for age 15 and we only got on agreement he walked him daily and fed him in the morning that lasted 2 months before he gave up)
-Has now lost 2 jobs when he’s perfectly capable of working alongside college but just ‘can’t be bothered’
-General unpleasant behaviours and bullying DS13

As consequences for the above I have done the following :

-moved him to the smallest room as he refused to clean and his was mouldy and fly infested from the food waste he refuse to move so I spent a day and basically bagged up 4 bags of filth took to the tip then changed the rooms. I asked DP for help his response was ‘You seem to be getting on fine I’ll be in the way’ I said to him to please tell DS the reasons why this has happened when he’s back he said ‘you’re dealing with it what can I add?’

-Told ds I would rehome the dog. DP stepped in and said ‘no no I’ll just take over ‘ I said what lesson does that teach ? He said ‘well it’s better to have a quiet easy life’

-for deliberate loss of jobs I said I would not reinstate pocket money as an incentive to find a job and keep one. DP said that wasn’t fair so he’s been giving DS money

-For the general unpleasantness I have had a consequence each time. Either loss of WiFi for a set time, always told off and told exactly why a behaviour was unacceptable and when I try to get DP to agree and support me in discipline I get nothing. He says ‘what’s the point in both of us saying it as DS heard you the first time’

I’ve just told DS we are no longer funding his next lot of driving lessons and this has annoyed DP as he said he can’t afford to step in - I said ‘good I don’t want you to he needs to learn a lesson’ to be met with ‘You just don’t like men - don’t even think about saying he has to live out when he’s 18’

I don’t feel supported at all in fact I feel like DP is enabling this behaviour and I feel like taking younger DS and moving out as I’m not part of an equal partnership

Before it got to crisis point with DS17… as he was growing up - has DH always behaved in the same un-involved manner when it came to any discipline, confrontation or decision making?

id be asking DH what he feels the boundaries should be with the children. What should the consequences be for certain behaviour.

Does DH step up as a partner to you aside from these issues? Can you imagine being with him in 10/20 years when the kids have left home? Just wondering what he is like all round as a partner and father?

If he’s not ticking boxes for you or the kids - how do you think he’d react if you said the relationship is at crisis point and we are heading for divorce unless he steps up?

Yes it’s always been me sorting everything out. DP used to have a job where he worked extremely long hours so it fell to me as he literally wasn’t here much but that’s not the case anymore and he hasn’t readjusted he’s trying to keep the same roles I think ? No matter what i say he will not want to be involved.

DS has always been challenging and DP seems to favour him so dismisses the behaviour or sides with him and undermines me saying I’m a man hater

Your DP sounds like a bit of a misogynist to be honest. You don't hate menz you dislike lazy, entitled arseholes and you didn't intend to raise one.

Why does he think you hate men? An odd thing for your husband to insinuate.

Regardless yes op- nothing will ever change as your ds is being entirely supported and enabled by your dp in his behaviour.