Is it normal or intrusive for a grandfather to ask a teenager how her thrush is?

[willthereverbeanysleep]

Sorry, gross topic all round and I'm not a troll, just a name changer.

I am in counselling at the moment. I grew up with my grandparents, Grandma was a warm loving person who treated me as her own, but my Grandfather was generally sharp and made me feel like crap. At times he was outright horrible to me and a few times really frightened me. I know he hit me a couple of times when I was very small but I don't remember what happened, just a lot of fear and even thinking of it now makes me feel very distressed. I know that doesn't really matter as it was far from the norm for him to hit me, it was more a couple of one offs. He sometimes was nice and thoughtful, buying me a toy or a book and I was not generally afraid of him.

I generally get the sense that he wanted no harm to come to me and wanted me to be ok but found a child my age and then a teen irritating so sometimes lost it with me.

Hoewever, when he was angry it was frequently like he wanted to shame and embarrass me? I was very ill as a teenager and multiple courses of antibiotics meant I got thrush, and went to the Dr instead of school one morning. My Grandma must have said where we were and he asked me about it. We didn't have a relaxed comfortable relationship talking about private body problems, it was so weird and felt like he was trying to embarrass me.

AIBU silly and overreacting, should I just forget about it? Or is an odd thing to say that is worth bringing up in counselling?

Thank you.

If you were ill and had been on multiple antibiotics and had just gone to the doctor, it doesn't seem inappropriate on its own to ask you how you were.

You know him and if you fel this was part of a pattern of him asking you inappropriate questions, then that is different.

You can bring up anything in counselling. It doesn't have to be 'important enough'. Since it is something that has stuck with you, it never hurts to bring it up and talk it through and either be able to move past it or see it as a part of something that was a bigger pattern.

Hmm, it sounds like your grandparents were parent figures to you? In which case as a stand alone thing, I don't think it seems that weird. My DH would probably ask my DD how she was feeling if she was ill, regardless of what the illness was.

But if it was part of wider 'weird' or inappropriate conversations, there's no reason not to bring it up in counselling.

Quite honestly, I do think it's weird for someone who is hostile to you and much older than you to ask you such an intimate question. If he wanted to know surely he could ask his wife to ask you.

Was he ever sexually inappropriate?

OP if you’re feeling strange about it then counselling is absolutely the place to explore how you feel about jt, regardless of what anyone on here says

My DM now in her 80’s only knew of thrush around a babies mouth. Went on and on about it when my DC were babes despite neither of them ever getting it. Is it possible he thought the same as my DM?

“Or is an odd thing to say that is worth bringing up in counselling?”

You don’t need our permission or opinion to bring anything up in counselling. If it bothers you enough to start a thread, it bothers you enough to bring it up.

Something could be perfectly reasonable, but the context that made something reasonable uncomfortable, is a reason in itself to bring it up.

You say you lived with your grandparents so it sounds like they raised you or played a huge parental role in your life.

On the face of it, I don't think it's inappropriate for a male parent or parental figure to ask questions like that - my dad would often ask how my period pain was (for example).

But you clearly feel uncomfortable so it may be worth exploring in the wider context of your relationship.

This.

I also feel like it would be outside of the norm of that time & generation, regardless of the societal norms now.

If the grandparents were in more of an in loco parentis role, and your grandmother (?) had told your grandfather you had thrush, then asking how you were (in the absence of anything else "strange") doesn't seem off to me.
I'd be surprised in a non in loco parentis situation that a grandfather had been even told, but again, not concerned that he had.

But if it's concerning you then it's fine to bring it up.

Don't think it's too weird to ask but if it makes you uncomfortable and is still playing on your mind now then absolutely bring it up in counselling

Asking how you are after you've been to the dr is fine in my opinion but commenting on the reason for the dr visit seems a bit off to me and I would raise it with the counsellor. I also agree with pps though - you can raise anything - you don't need to justify it!

Would he have known what thrush is?

I think it was OK to ask that in that situation.

Based on how you've described what he was like it sounds to me like he was in an irritated mood and asked about your thrush to humiliate you.

Or maybe it is just playing on your kind because you felt embarrassed?

One thing that still haunts me is showing ny grandad pictures of a holiday I'd been on with my parents and my friend. We got to a photo of me wearing a black dress with me being 5'7" slim, blonde and when he saw the photo he said "look at the legs on that!".
And it made me feel super awkward and It still pops into my mind now. First of all I wondered if he realised it was me (it was obviously me!), Why talk about me as if I was an item? It made me feel like he viewed me for a split second as a sexual object. But my grandad was so never like that, he was absolutely lovely. So I still go through life perplexed at that comment. Strange

If you had raised it in conversation with him, and then subsequently you were asked, fair enough. Not otherwise.

Someone must have told him to start with.

Its odd but did he know what thrush is? Maybe he didn't. A big issue is why did your grandmother mention something so private - she knew what it is.
He sounds horrible though - bring up anything in counselling that is bothering you not matter how little or small as its bothering you for a reason and might be the key to discovering something big bothering you...

If a child you know were to tell you her grandfather had asked about her thrush and it made her feel uncomfortable, would you tell her she was being silly and over reacting?

Of course you wouldn't right? Please treat your inner child with that same compassion, her feelings are valid.

I would assume he probably didn't realise it was a vaginal infection. But as others have said, you can of course talk about it. The question might be why this made his feel so uncomfortable.

FWIW, your grandfather sounds a lot like mine. He loved his family intensely but really struggled with how to show it. Could be amazingly generous but also very cruel. Did not have the patience for children, especially as a younger man. I grew up far enough removed from it for it not too really bother me, but I can see the impact that it's had on my mum - who I think dismisses it as "not so bad, not really frightening, not abuse". You've done the right thing by going to counselling.

Thank you for your replies, lots of food for thought here, things I haven't considered.

Yes, I know I don't need permission to talk about anything.

I'm not asking for permission, actually it's more that I am trying to maximise getting the most out of my hourly session.

I feel I have a lot that I would like to discuss, but I want to prioritise well. This particular incident is stuck in my mind for some reason, despite there being things that seem obviously a much bigger deal. So I thought I'd start a thread for some outside perspective on this incident in particular.

I take it you're a grown adult now and going through counselling is reminding you of past experiences.

From what you've said, it sounds like your grandparents were really your parents and brought you up.

Men especially older generations behaved VERY differently to many men today.

As a parent it's quite normal to ask your children questions , even personal one if it's out of concern and for their well-being.

I was very scared of my dad. He had a military background so was super strict. Sadly he passed when I was 11. I imagine he would have asked this question too because it would have been his job as a parent to make sure I was okay and I expect I too would have been embarrassed.

Unless there's more to this , it sounds like he was asking out of genuine concern

Yes he definitely knew. Because when it happened before he never said anything to me, but he was annoyed about it with my Grandma because he thought he could catch it from sharing the bathroom with me or our clothes being washed in the same machine.

I think he was confusing it with thread worms, which are clearly very different but can only assume he had some confused idea of what was going on.

It's really out of order if he knew which kind of thrush it was, I can't see there is any scenario for an older man to ask a young female this