Not really interested in sex

[LauraTheOtter]

So I wonder if IABU to think this is at least unusual, however ok and acceptable it might be?

I just naturally don't think about it or feel drawn to it. I am not remotely repulsed by it, am not religious in the slightest and support all forms of sexual and romantic expression. I just can't be arsed with it personally. Is this common, or am I an outlier?

Background: I come from a stable, loving, liberally minded family; rural, horses, good friends, comfortable and very much loved. My late parents had a good lifelong marriage. Our family is quite small but very decent childhood, two siblings. I have no trauma issues or negative sexual experiences that I can think of, and have generally had good relationships with men. Having considered this over the past 30 years I am definitely heterosexual and don't feel interested in sex with women either.

I wondered what all the fuss was about at puberty, although I did like boys very much! Had first relationship at 16 and sex was a fun novelty, which I eventually grew bored with. I had a few casual flings in my early 20's with gorgeous guys and whilst hot for them in the moment, couldn't be doing with the idea of repeating it. I realised back then that I might struggle with a regular relationship.

Met what seemed my soulmate later, handsome and a good man, but over the years I did come to feel that the sex part was going through the motions for me, and I dearly didn't wish to hurt him. I never craved other men and didn't care if he found other women attractive. I was very much in love, but just not clingy or bothered by sex. He never pestered me, but he did love regular sex, and I suppose I just performed for the sake of that, because I felt that it was 'normal'.
We split eventually for very unrelated reasons, which were more concerned with financial differences and lifestyle.

I have been single now for 5 years and barely think of it. It's like I see most people out there seem so concerned with 'finding love' and whether they're sexy enough. People worried about being unattractive, growing older or being left on the shelf sexually. I don't possess any of these feelings and can't relate to why anyone would go through so much existential angst over it, but I do appreciate that I am different, so of course I understand that people have these very healthy and ordinary needs.

The idea of meeting a man and having to deal with his sexual needs, baggage and related issues doesn't appeal to me in the slightest, which might make me seem cold, but I am very much not!

I do need and love close connections, deep relationships/friendships and bonds, I am very loyal and make a great partner. I am not isolated and do have a lot of romance, sensuality and creativity in me (I am an artist).
I don't feel any rush to meet anyone, but do fear that eventually if I make a connection it would be unfair and impossible to expect a anyone to be exactly like me. I could equally have a deep bond (like live with, own a home and share a close connection) with a man or a woman, but I am not bi-sexual.
I'm kind of just not sexual.

Anyone else like this, and if so, how has it panned out for you?

I'm the same.
Decent marriage... long... but I've never had a high sex drive and if DH's penis fell off tomorrow I might be quietly pleased! I make the effort because it matters to him, but I'm just not that interested and never have been, even when I was young.

I'm not very keen on being touched..have adult children with autism and suspect they got it from me and neither of them are interested either!

I haven’t had a partner or sex in six years. I can’t imagine wanting to get into any of that again. I’m 48 and battle scarred. I’m very sociable and have a lot of great friends. I can’t see me ever being in a relationship again.

I exactly the same OP- and I've been married 27 years. I've never been that bothered if I'm honest -i kind of make myself be bothered when I've first met someone but after a few years I wouldn't care if it never happened again- I'm 61 now - I'm a warm and friendly person and I like men- I'm just not bothered about sex

thanks for sharing.
i think the tricky part, since it is culturally ingrained, might be if a partner (presuming one is married) thought that it meant s/he wasnt sexually attractive enough.

a lot if cultural baggage tbh.
we are just socialised to believe that sex is 'owed' to someone, or that we are unhappy if we don't live in a nuclear family with constant sex as a binding agent, etc.
men are especially socialised to consider sex as an expression of love from a woman, so if she isn't in the mood he feels unwanted.

sorry for odd typing, i am sat waiting for my bondi sands tan to dry

Google these (may or may not be helpful) grayromantic, demisexual or demiromantic

I havent been bothered with sex since 32. Not sure why. Much happier without it. No trauma for me either. Just bored of it.

To add I always have a crush and fancy someone. But just not arsed to fuck them.

Another 'Are you me?'!!

I'm not asexual either. I hate the way that's thrown around. It doesn't fit how I feel at all.

There are a lot of possible explanations here.

• It could be something chemical. I had what I would consider a fairly average interest in sex, but then high doses of prednisone absolutely DESTROYED my pituitary gland, and in addition to being thrown into very early menopause, I no longer make what seems like any hormones (I can’t remember the names of them all). I found my interest in sex completely disappeared.
• You might be asexual. Obviously, this isn’t that rare, or we wouldn’t 1. Have a term for it and 2. All know it (obviously rare things have terms, but usually they’re not always widely known).
• There is also a possibility you are demisexual. This refers to people who really don’t feel any sexual interest unless they’ve already formed an emotional bond with someone, and then sex is an option, as part of their relationship. But they don’t feel the desire for sex until the emotional bond is already established. I have found this to be a bit more common in women than in men and that more women realize this possibly refers to them as they reach their 30s and 40s and want intimacy first, then believe sex will follow, versus the other way around, as sometimes happens in perhaps younger, and more sexually charged relationships.

I know people joke about having 40 different sexualities now, but some of these words (asexual, demisexual) are just us trying to find words for feelings that have always existed, so that people can talk to each other about them and have more fulfilling relationships with people who are compatible.

If you don’t want a relationship, that’s great and fine, OP. If you do want a relationship, but one in which sex isn’t a focal point, then I hope you find it - good luck.

interesting stuff! definitely not demi sexual, it can be the opposite for me.

i think im just not overly motivated or invested.
but i do know that i dont like the idea of someone expecting or needing it from me, so when i have been interested it has been spontaneous, easy, fun.

there seems to be so much heavy, weird pressure people can carry with sex that turns me right off. i also notice a fair bit of anxiety and entitlement in how some men approach sexuality, rather than relaxing with sensuality and joy.

Interesting!

I've been the opposite to you through most of my life. I've made some unwise life choices because my vagina told me to, and also enjoyed many spectacular experiences that enrich my memories in many ways.

Then ... almost in one fell swoop, I
reached menopause so I'd have had to work harder to satisfy my evil designs on men;
developed ME-CFS which leaves me too knackered to brush my teeth, never mind get any kind of jiggy;
started taking SSRIs, which reduce my libido to a once-close friend who now sends a postcard twice a year;
moved to a backwater town containing zero men I'd be interested in even if I was interested, iyswim.

As it turns out, the demise of my libido is a bit of a bonus considering the challenges it would be facing. Life without it is so much easier! I'd go as far as to say I can see that having little interest in sex would be a blessing. So much extra head space, more nuanced emotional space, less anxiety, more balance, so much calmer!

Everybody's different, mate, you be you

Tangentially - there were very many lifetime pairings of women during the inter-war years. They can by no means be assumed to have been sexually involved: WW1 decimated the male population, and most surviving returners suffered intense physical and/or mental damage. That's the reason everyone in my parents' generation had "maiden aunts". They teamed up with compatible friends so they could get decent housing, go on holiday & pursue interests together.

True to the potentials of a sex-free life, these aunts tended to have highly developed interests, knowledge and skills ... and were the backbone of women's suffrage. They changed our world for the better! (Laying the foundations for feckless great-nieces such as my old self to shag our way through the second half of the century, but I don't feel they'd have disapproved.)

... so much heavy, weird pressure people can carry with sex that turns me right off. i also notice a fair bit of anxiety and entitlement in how some men approach sexuality, rather than relaxing with sensuality and joy

Hard agree with all the above. As far as I can tell, this has got worse in the 20-ish years since I packed it all in. I could discuss it for hours, but the short version is I blame pornification. And I see that as a backlash to women (in our part of the world) getting too liberated, too confident.

Does this scenario need a label? It's just not that big a deal sometimes. Especially having had regular long term relationships - it can just be the norm as you get older, says me early 30s. Maybe shock horror it hasn't been all orgasms over the years, pretty sure a lot of us would relate to that.
I’m attracted to males and females, not fussed that I'm not having an active sex life with either. It's been great now and then, it could be nice to have, am I suffering without it? Nah. Also enjoy the laziness.
Maybe there should be a label for "Day to day meh, whee that's nice, but so is sleep"

Have you considered the link between your sex hormones and your feelings towards sex?
You mention that you didn't see what the fuss was about.
There's no suggestion that you've had a trauma in your childhood etc or a psychological reason for your feelings so what about a physiological cause?
Does it matter what the cause is? If your happy and honest with partners as you are, continue to enjoy life sexless.

Nothing wrong with how you feel, you seem someone who would be honest with anyone you meet, and there in general should be more consideration for those who are single.

About 40 years ago a male acquaintance of mine said that sex is a very overrated pastime. Over the ensuing years I have come to realise he was correct 😉

I think media would have us believe sex is really important for everyone, but for many, it's just not a big deal

Probably for most, it just is a great stress reliever and relaxes you.

I can agree though that as I age it is something that happens less frequently, in my own situation that is due to health issues.

Agree. You aren’t alone.
Honestly, a platonic relationship with my best mate gives me more joy than any relationship has. Completely uninterested in sex and would happily never bother again tbh.

My very lovely and very attractive friend in her late 30s recently said to me, that she feels sexually minded when looking to attract but after first couple of years just starts to find it a chore - no matter how much she is 'into' the guy. She already has a child- so doesn't feel a need to get pregnant etc -

I told her I've always felt like that too - right from late 20's. It isn't that I'm not attracted to men and I like their company-(although I've been married 27 years so it's off the table). It's that I'm no longer interested in sex - I really can't explain why- it came on after I had my first 2 children

That's just human nature. Most species put in the effort to get a mate, breed, and then the females focus on raising the young. They don't continue to mate for fun. It is why there are very few monogamous male animals in nature and why many human males struggle to stay faithful when they don't have a sex life with their partners.

Well, if you feel sexual attraction, then you can’t be asexual.
Interesting that you feel the attraction and like it, but still don’t really want it.
Responsive desire, maybe?

Anyway, YANBU.
Like few other’s has said, I wish one day it’s more acceptable to have different kids of relationships/partnerships.

Personally, I’m asexual (but sex-repulsed kind) and never have and never will do it. I’m 37.

@BadNomad I don't doubt you are correct.

I'm very similar tbh. Not not interested in sex ever, but maybe once a month? I just don't see it as that big a deal, I much prefer kisses and cuddles.