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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child custody

9 replies

Oliviarc7734 · 23/06/2023 20:59

I am 17 years old and recently broke up with my daughters father after months of arguing, since we split he has moved out and we are trying to work out arrangements for him to see our baby, she is only 6 months old and he is asking for one week on one week off, i think this is unreasonable, i have come home to him drinking whilst taking care of her but don’t want to take that further because he assures it won’t happen again, i don’t really trust him but not sure what to do, I just want the best for my baby and he is not cooperating and gaslights me everytime I suggest anything

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 22:00

Then you're within your rights to refuse his request. If he wants to insist, he'll have to get himself a solicitor and you can definitely cite the drinking incidents as a reason why you refuse him 50/50 at moment, or even overnight visits

If you don't mind me asking, how old is he? Does he have a suitable home? Does he pay maintenance?

Original poster
Oliviarc7734 · 23/06/2023 22:26

He is 19, unemployed and living with his dad, the universal credit claim has just changed over to a single claim from my side, he does not pay maintenance because he only moved out this week and signed over the tenancy today

OP posts:
CoffeeNeeded2019 · 23/06/2023 22:34

No one in their right mind would suggest a 6month old baby (or even a 6 year old child!) routinely not see their mother for a week at a time. That is a ridiculous suggestion from him.

be really clear what your boundaries are and keep records of events (such as the drinking tonight )

if he cannot agree a contact schedule let him investigate going through the courts, the cost is incredibly prohibitive and he’ll almost certainly agree to negotiate sensibly once he realises that!

Honeychickpea · 23/06/2023 22:40

I'm happy you saw the light about him and got rid. Some women stay in a bad relationship for years. You are strong and smart and I wish you well for the future.

HappiDaze · 23/06/2023 22:43

How are you OP?

You've come into MN to ask us some questions

What are your living arrangements?

Who are you close to that you trust to talk to about your situation?

Are you feeling a bit alone and out of your depth ?

Do have any genuinely kind, helpful and non critical family members?

You don't have to answer this but just think about it What kind of things do you argue about ? Is it because you / he are still young and getting your heads around the situation of being parents. Re his drinking there is still hope for him to knuckle down and take life more seriously especially if he's asking to see your daughter. That does mean he cares and loves her, unless in your heart you think he's doing it to get at you or just to be controlling

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders as you're asking what to do.

VyeBrator · 23/06/2023 22:49

HappiDaze · 23/06/2023 22:43

How are you OP?

You've come into MN to ask us some questions

What are your living arrangements?

Who are you close to that you trust to talk to about your situation?

Are you feeling a bit alone and out of your depth ?

Do have any genuinely kind, helpful and non critical family members?

You don't have to answer this but just think about it What kind of things do you argue about ? Is it because you / he are still young and getting your heads around the situation of being parents. Re his drinking there is still hope for him to knuckle down and take life more seriously especially if he's asking to see your daughter. That does mean he cares and loves her, unless in your heart you think he's doing it to get at you or just to be controlling

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders as you're asking what to do.

My goodness I'm sure you mean well but the OP is 17, not 7 so no need to patronise her.

Original poster
Oliviarc7734 · 23/06/2023 22:57

He definitely is immature and he refused to go out and get a job when we were together and told me to get a job when I was only a few weeks pp, he is controlling and manipulative and would call me things like a dishwasher and smoke weed with his mates in my flat with my daughter, he has no intention of changing not even for our child

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 23/06/2023 23:15

@VyeBrator well done for derailing so quickly

This is actually my job so we ask questions like this for people like OP no matter how old they are

We start at the beginning

HappiDaze · 23/06/2023 23:21

OP speak to your Health Visitor or any other health professional you have met that you trust to talk this through.

Be honest about his drinking / lifestyle there is no point hiding the truth.

I won't comment any further due to @VyeBrator

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