To want someone to look after me for a change?

[ChristmasKnackered]

I’m just so sick of bearing the mental load day to day and being responsible for hosting / making sure occasions are special for everyone, and getting little back.

DM lives with me and my two DC (11 & 15), I have a BF with 2 DCs and two siblings - a sister who lives half and hour away and a brother who lives 3 hours away.

Last Christmas I hosted DM and DC (obviously), BF and his DC and my nephew. I had to plan, buy and prepare everything, cook and host everyone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, then others on New Years Eve / Day. It was knackering.

AIBU to think my siblings should share the task of hosting - I just wish I could kick back and relax sometimes and not worry about all this crap.

I work full time, parent alone and I’m just knackered. I feel sad that no one thinks to offer sometimes, they all seem so selfish.

Are you doing this every Christmas? Does BF or DM not help at all? They just around watching you run around like a blue arsed fly? If so, all you do is say, who's doing Xmas this year? You're only a doormat if you let yourself be treated like one. Set your boundaries and stick to them

YANBU. I’m sorry it all falls to you it sounds very tough

I agree with you but the problem is that it’s become custom. So, folk will just assume that they’ll be at yours for Christmas (for example) and that the day wlll follow the usual format. If you don’t organise a BBQ (for example) this summer, no one else will, and all of a sudden it’ll be September and they’ll be wondering why there was no BBQ! You probably need to break the pattern.

OP, you need to work out what works for you and be upfront about it. Eg say ‘would love to see you all
at Christmas but got a bit knackered last year so how about [insert suggestion]

But yes, I get that it feels lonely when no one offfers. I have 2 very inconsiderate siblings and 1 very considerate one. I’d feel very lonely without the latter

Get in 1st with a text with regards to what and who you will be hosting this year. If that means only you and your DC, that's allowed. It's June, you're giving them plenty of notice. Kindness is quickly taken advantage of, so do what you want this year and break the routine.

You need to divvy up jobs next year.
you can’t blame people for not helping when you haven’t asked them.

No one will say you’re being unreasonable to not want this to continue. But it’s all about how you approach them going forward which will indicate if you’re unreasonable or not.

When my ex-boss asked who was looking after me at a particularly difficult time in my life, I just cried all over her. So I totally understand where you're coming from.

You sound like Superwoman, but the thing about Superwoman is, she's not real. Is your mum too frail to help, is your boyfriend not keen to support you? Sometimes you have to verbalise your anger and disappointment to shame people into realising that you are actually real and not a support human.

Why didn't your mum and boyfriend do their fair share and why didn't you give jobs to the others? It's not OK that everything was left to you but I'm surprised you didn't just ask everyone to chip in and that you now expect your siblings to host - why not your mum or your boyfriend?

Just practice saying No! It sounds like torture.
Step back.
Be honest with the crowd now in plenty of time for Christmas and say you won’t be doing it all again this year.
Keep quiet and see what happens. You’ll only be a doormat as long as you allow others to treat you like one.
Big girl pants time and put a stop to it.

Don't be a martyr.
Group message, who is hosting Xmas this year, I'm not, I did it last year.

Totally, totally relate. I think sometimes you give a lot and then it just becomes expected. Without even gratitude in the end, because 'that's just the way it is'.

My mum slaved away for my shithead brothers for decades. Doing their laundry, years and years after they had flown the nest.

I challenged my elest brother once and said "Aren't you ashamed of making your elderly mother do your laundry when you're a grown man?" and he was offended and incredulous and replied "She loves doing it! Why should I do it if she is happy to do it?"

My poor mother never spoke out. Of course she hated doing it. She used to complain of exhaustion all the time. Alas she just felt obliged to do it.

So there you have it. YOU have to speak up and say "I do not like doing this. I expect everyone to bare the load or it isn't going to get done at all".

Exactly. I have no sympathies for martyrs who do everything for selfish people then complain about it. Just stop doing it.

The males in your family are shit for not stepping up - especially your BF who clearly does not respect you and is happy to sit by and let you run yourself ragged. He is a very poor role model for his kids and your sons. The entire family sound like they need a kick up the arse.

I dont understand how this happens. We host because we enjoy it and we invite people. If we didn't ask them they wouldn't come. Just invite them for one day and ask them if they fancy doing boxing / new years etc at theirs or out somewhere. Or say you want just your household this year.