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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A question for sober people...

41 replies

iamatoythatpeopleenjoy · 23/06/2023 17:13

What was your 'I need to stop drinking moment' ? Whether big or small.

I'm on day two and just feel so sad and lonely and tired and lost.

OP posts:
goingslightlyinsane · 23/06/2023 17:21

I'm still waiting for mine to happen. I haven't quite got there yet but I know it's coming (and it needs to)

Why do you feel like you do? Is it that you feel life is boring without alcohol?

Really well done on your day two- keep going, you will soon start benefiting from amazing sleep and better skin and all the positives that will come.

Keep going Flowers

Clarich007 · 23/06/2023 17:22

I read your other thread OP think it was, yesterday. Lots of sympathy, it can't be easy giving up. Takes a lot of will power.
My X fiance was, I think an alcoholic, hid it very well at work, but my god when we went out it was awful. Cost us a fortune in taxis and the cleaning of them.!!
In the thick of a hangover, he confided to me that he was gay, so that was the end of the engagement. His drinking was a way of coping. This was back in 1968.
Keep going you can do it 👍💐

MintJulia · 23/06/2023 17:24

I grew up in a pub. As a child I watched endless people get drunk & stupid, and wreck friendships and marriages, and lose licences and jobs.

At 10 everything is black & white 😀But I've never drunk much as a result.

Don't feel sad. Calculate how much you are going to save and plan what you will do with the money. At 3 months or six months, plan a treat that you have earned.

And enjoy the calories that you can now have because you aren't drinking. 😊

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/06/2023 17:27

I assume this question is primarily aimed at problem drinkers (which I'm not really). But speaking as a former moderate to heavy social drinker who is now virtually teetotal: once you get used to not having alcohol in your system most of the time you start to realise how much it drags you down in so many ways physically (I can exercise without getting wiped out), emotionally (I don't feel paranoid or insecure any more and no longer suffer from social anxiety, I no longer start fights because I feel angry) and financially (it's just such a waste of money) and professionally (I am much much better at my job). Oh, and I'm present for my child in a way I wasn't when I had hangovers twice a week.

I just got to a point where I realised the downsides outweigh the upsides.

But it sounds as if this may be more complicated for you. Do you have a problem with alcohol OP? Do you have support with this? If not, you should have some in place. It seems anecdotally that it's very hard without that support.

bonzaitree · 23/06/2023 17:50

I wasn’t a problem drinker but got into bad habits over lockdown.

I did dry jan with my fella and felt so much better at the end of that, so decided to continue with low alcohol. Haven’t looked back!

Sapphire387 · 23/06/2023 17:51

Honestly? My DSD's mum had an alcohol problem and didn't stop, despite doctors saying she'd only have a year to live if she didn't. I've never particularly had a problem with alcohol but it's enough to put anyone off. She died in her early forties from liver failure and internal hemorrhaging. Don't be like her, please. Stopping is 100% worth it, every day you stop is a day towards better health. Yes you feel crap now, but the alternative is worse, and you WILL feel better. Keep going. You can do this.

iamatoythatpeopleenjoy · 23/06/2023 17:58

Thank you! Yes I have a problem with alcohol. Not in that I drink every day but at least 3 times a month (it's been more recently) I binge drink 2 bottles of wine until I pass out. On the odd occasion I will take cocaine, this is not something I would ever do sober.

I black out each time, send highly inappropriate and sexual messages to people that I really shouldn't be messaging. Sleep with random men and often can't remember, send nudes to people that don't even ask for them. It's all very highly sexualised behaviour for some reason and it's impacting myself and others. I feel like I must be the laughing stock of the town.

The shame/depression/helplessness that I feel the following days are almost unbearable. I could seriously kill myself with the way I feel. And because my behaviour is so strange (ie sexual) I feel I can't really discuss it with anyone. I am just desperate for validation and attention from men when I'm drunk. No idea why.

I'm thinking of going to an AA meeting.

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 23/06/2023 17:59

Mostly the way it effected me mentally and no longer enjoying the way it made me feel. Feeling rough afterwards for longer and longer. Almost 20 years dry. I just don't miss it. There's never ever a moment that I think I'd like a drink.

iamatoythatpeopleenjoy · 23/06/2023 18:00

I drink because I am bored and it is literally the only way I can turn my brain off. It feels like I rest my brain when I drink but obviously 100 times worse the next day.

OP posts:
Bilingualspingual · 23/06/2023 18:03

Go to an AA meeting. I don’t, but it’s invaluable for millions and won’t do you any harm and may do a lot of good.
There was no sudden lightbulb moment that I can remember, just getting my mornings/days back and knowing that I don’t need to be ashamed. And wondering why so many of us imbibe a toxin on a regular basis to the extent that we’re weird if we don’t!
Just keep going a day at a time, but it sounds like aa could be helpful right now. X

Pipperleen · 23/06/2023 18:06

It was the anxiety the next day that eventually got me - as I’ve gotten older, it got to almost panic attack stage and I’d just had enough of feeling so worried and on edge.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 23/06/2023 18:06

Find the root cause. Hypersexuality for me was an undiagnosed ND. I wasn't even me when drunk! It was horrific. Black out drunk, taken advantage of more times than I care to remember. Now I understand myself I wouldn't touch alcohol with anyone's lips.

Some people can drink with enjoyment but for many with deep unresolved issues, first you take the drink, then the drink takes you.

Good luck OP.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 23/06/2023 18:06

It was gradual for me. I’m nearly 2 years sober now and given I was a daily drinker and couldn’t manage 2 days (could manage one occasionally but had withdrawal symptoms) I am amazed at myself.

Connection is key however AA would not have been for me.

it gets easier. Find other things to do that don’t involve drinking. I used to do jigsaw puzzles, puzzle books. Walking. Reading

wetpebbles · 23/06/2023 18:16

Hi, I had a course of tablets from docs as alcohol had taken over my life, I am now 10years sober and have never missed it,
I don't like being around drinkers now and hate when my adult children drink too much

BigPeople · 23/06/2023 18:19

I just got sick of feeling like shit, physically and mentally. Realised I was drinking way too much and it was only heading in one direction.

Been sober several years now and it was honestly one of the best decisions I could ever have made. Life is technicolour again. I’m free.

Sweetladyjane · 23/06/2023 18:23

I’m a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 20 years now and still remember how it was at the beginning vividly. I didn’t have a lightbulb moment - I had one last night where I couldn’t mentally get drunk, physically I was drunk and was falling over but nothing changed in my head - I was still me and I was disgusted by it. I knew when I woke up the next day that it was over for me and tipped all my vodka away.

I went to the GP which is a good thing as blood tests showed that my liver was beginning to be damaged and also went to AA every day for support (and still go every now and then).

It’s tough at the beginning but take it day by day and it’s gets better.

Candleabra · 23/06/2023 18:28

Gradual, but realised that the fun from drinking was no longer worth it and starting to have such a bad impact on my health.
I also realised that whenever I imagined the fantasy me (slim gorgeous, holding down a high powered job whilst being amazing at music and sport) she was always sober. Isn’t that weird. So I might not do any of the other fantasy things but I don’t drink. Life is much better.

Pleasemrstweedie · 23/06/2023 18:29

I just reached a point where I had to acknowledge that drinking was taking precedence over other things in my life, I was hiding my drinking from my partner, who still has no idea, and it had to stop.

Fourteen months on, it's still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

FusionChefGeoff · 23/06/2023 18:31

No major drama for me but I was slowly coming to the realisation that actually, I couldn't stop when I wanted to and that I had lost control of my drinking. And if I didn't sort it out id lose control over everything else.

I went to an AA meeting the next day and met such wonderful people who were just like me. They hardly mentioned drinking - just talked a lot about their thoughts / feelings / stresses / anger but mainly about how they'd turned their life and their attitude around completely.

I was hooked and started going to 5-6 meetings a week and am 9 years sober now. Still go twice a week and have some incredible friendships in the fellowship

FriendsDrinkBook · 23/06/2023 18:35

My dad is an alcoholic and so is my exh. I had had a bad relationship with alcohol for years and done dangerous things as a result. When I was in my 30s I took a sip of wine in a restaurant and just decided that I didn't want to drink any more. It's been 4 years now.

theemmadilemma · 23/06/2023 18:40

I was so ill. So, so ill. Getting myself in the shower in the morning involved a long grind of getting enough alcohol in me to stop withdrawal enough to barely stand long enough to shower. Throwing back up the first drinks until eventually I'd topped up enough to appear like a normal human.

I watched people coming out of Costa so happy with their fancy drinks and I wanted that life instead.

GarlicGrace · 23/06/2023 18:44

Being sober does feel sort of flat and empty at first. I'm not sure why - I could explain it for myself, but everyone has a different reason for using so you'd expect people to feel differently about being clean. It wears off: that is, you get used to having all those extra 'empty' hours and finally figure out that you can do stuff in that time without being drunk 😄

I went to rehab - long story, but it was an incredibly helpful experience. I followed up with 8 months of meetings, then relapsed for a while, then achieved my goal of only drinking a bit, sometimes, without needing to cane it. I'm not particularly recommending this; it's actually easier to not drink alcohol at all.

Meetings are worth doing, imo. The Steps are a decent life model and, though I no longer go to meetings, often review where I'm at with them. The vast majority of English meetings make the god part completely optional, there's no pressure to say stuff you don't believe in.

I was in London, where there's a huge number of meetings so I could choose the ones I liked best. If there's a choice where you live, try a few out. DON'T write it off as not for you after your first one or two! It obviously feels weird at first. It's interesting to hear other people's stories of how they're coping (or not) and some members are fantastic speakers. Once you get the hang of them, it's really great to be able to tell the truth and chew over your worries with others who get why it's difficult. Good meetings will provide plenty of tips, tricks & tools to get you through tough times - and will celebrate every wine with you, however small.

Congrats on Day Two! StarStar Just one more day ... Smile

theemmadilemma · 23/06/2023 18:46

I would recommend counselling op. Look at the underlying issues.

I'd have said sober life looked boring. Now I think drunk life does. I do and achieve so much more with my time!

GarlicGrace · 23/06/2023 18:47

celebrate every win with you !! Freudian slip, or what?! 😂

texy · 23/06/2023 18:49

I can highly recommend the Alcohol support board on here too. There are some really great supportive communities over on those boards.

Best of luck ☀️

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