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Original poster

Stepdaughters birthday present

19 replies

Meandalltheboys · 23/06/2023 14:23

So myself and my partner have been together for coming up to 5 years now. We have 4 children between us. He has 1 DD, I have 2 DS and we share a DS.

My SD turned 15 last week. She had asked for merchandise from a Harry Styles concert her dad took her to the month before as her birthday present. Absolutely fine. A couple of weeks after this he asked me what I was getting for her birthday. I said I assumed the merchandise was from both of us as that is what we do for the other children and applies to them all at Christmas. Conversation over. In the meantime I bought her pls card and present from the other kids etc and made sure they gave them to her the weekend before her birthday. (She has other plans so we didn't see her as we would usually). We FaceTimed on her birthday etc and then saw her briefly last weekend as again she had other plans (a lot harder to keep to the usual arrangement as she is getting older and seeing her friends etc). During the week I asked her dad if he had gotten her a card, which he hadnt, so I prompted him to buy one.

Anyway, she was a bit quiet with me at the weekend whilst she was here and seemed a bit off. I asked DP if she was ok and he said she was fine. I've just gone into the room she stays in when she is here and her dad has given her the card but not bothered to include my name in it.

I feel really annoyed and am now questioning whether she knows her present is from both of us or is thinking it's just from him and I've done literally nothing for her birthday.

I don't know whether im overreacting here or whether I need to say something to DP about this as feel it's pretty unfair or whether to message SD directly and tell her im mortified incase she thinks I've ignored her birthday. Or something entirely different.

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher23 · 23/06/2023 14:28

You are not overreacting, definitely talk to DP and it should be him apologising to his DD and explaining all gifts are always from you both, the effort you went to on behalf of her siblings and his reasons for not adding your name. If he refuses then I think you have quite a serious issue/ discussion to be had.
He has undermined you.

lilaclilly91 · 23/06/2023 14:33

being a parent of a blended family i know how difficult things can be but your partner is well out of order and no you are not over reacting. I would definitely call him out on this and i would also sit down your step daughter and explain you had no idea her dad had done this. She's 15 and old enough to know her dad was out of order. At the end of the day you are a partnership and things like this should be done together and from both of you shame on your partner for not doing this.

Homemadearmy · 23/06/2023 14:36

If you usually do join presents why does yiur partner think this year should be different?

Swishytwip · 23/06/2023 14:37

Do both. Speak to her independently of her dad, he sounds like a prick.

Mariposista · 23/06/2023 15:01

this is a horrible thing for your husband to do (even if it was careless rather than deliberate). It's hard enough being a stepmom to a teenage girl, he needs to sort this out.

Holly60 · 23/06/2023 15:09

Poor girl. Definitely get your DP to apologise to her but you could also speak to her and explain

ManateeFair · 23/06/2023 15:11

This is really shitty of your partner. First of all, if you always get the children presents jointly, and have done that in previous years for your SD, then why would he suddenly ask this year if you were getting her something separately? Secondly, of course he should have put your name on the card, especially as you were the one who bloody bought it because he hadn't bothered!

BillyNoM8s · 23/06/2023 15:17

I find it weird that he was asking you what you would be buying her. My stepkids gets presents from us. We just buy gifts.

Birthdays do get more and more underwhelming as teens age. Was she perhaps expecting more than just the merch? Did he spend as much as you usually would on presents? Do you reckon he told her that you'd be getting her something separate, if you weren't at the concert?

Petty and odd of him to not put your name on the card.

Original poster
Meandalltheboys · 23/06/2023 15:23

BillyNoM8s · 23/06/2023 15:17

I find it weird that he was asking you what you would be buying her. My stepkids gets presents from us. We just buy gifts.

Birthdays do get more and more underwhelming as teens age. Was she perhaps expecting more than just the merch? Did he spend as much as you usually would on presents? Do you reckon he told her that you'd be getting her something separate, if you weren't at the concert?

Petty and odd of him to not put your name on the card.

I'm not sure it was an intentional expectation I would be getting her something else or just a comment without thinking as there was no confusion on his part when I said I assumed it would be joint.

I would hope she wasn't expecting more than that as it was very expensive and probably more than what would be spent on the others. Having said that we have had conversations in the past about her expectations from him/us as he doesn't like to say no to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meandalltheboys · 23/06/2023 15:24

Homemadearmy · 23/06/2023 14:36

If you usually do join presents why does yiur partner think this year should be different?

Not sure if intentional or just not thinking

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher23 · 23/06/2023 15:38

I'd say just be cautious speaking to her directly as she might interpret it as you bad mouthing her Dad and could snowball into something that makes you look like the baddie. Ideally you and your DP address it with her directly.

curtaintwitcher23 · 23/06/2023 15:46

*sorry I meant on your own and with DP together.

Gymnopedie · 23/06/2023 16:28

Meandalltheboys · 23/06/2023 15:24

Not sure if intentional or just not thinking

Show quote history

I'm going to make some assumptions here...

Because you are the mother of the other three children, I suspect that you have bought their presents and cards, but given them as being from both you and DH. Because that's how you see them. He's just happy that he doesn't have to bother, but happily accepts any thanks that come his way. Have you also, in the past, done the presents and card for his DD?

But now that he has had to cough up for the present (no difficulty choosing, she said what she wanted and they were right there to buy it) suddenly you should be making a separate effort, presumably to prove that you think of her as a daughter and important too.

When you think about it, have you always been the one to think of all four children, while he puts much more effort into his DD alone?

darkmodeon · 23/06/2023 16:31

Does your DP want you to seperate or something? He's being a right dick.

Sarah180818 · 23/06/2023 19:38

I have a 12 year old DD from a previous marriage and all presents and cards from myself and DH are from both of us and both of our names go in the card.

SaladBarNanny · 23/06/2023 20:44

I think what you've done for her birthday is more than ok, contributing to her chosen present and making sure other children got cards for her.

The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have expected to sign the card from you and your husband myself. And if not available to sign, I would have mentioned to DH - oh please add my name and message for me. So there would never even be a possibility of the card being given with only one signature. But that's my norm and perhaps not yours. Your DH has behaved oddly in all of this.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 23/06/2023 20:59

Has she not had a birthday before in the 5 years of the relationship? Why has this become an issue this birthday?

Original poster
Meandalltheboys · 24/06/2023 11:54

Meandalltheboys · 23/06/2023 14:23

So myself and my partner have been together for coming up to 5 years now. We have 4 children between us. He has 1 DD, I have 2 DS and we share a DS.

My SD turned 15 last week. She had asked for merchandise from a Harry Styles concert her dad took her to the month before as her birthday present. Absolutely fine. A couple of weeks after this he asked me what I was getting for her birthday. I said I assumed the merchandise was from both of us as that is what we do for the other children and applies to them all at Christmas. Conversation over. In the meantime I bought her pls card and present from the other kids etc and made sure they gave them to her the weekend before her birthday. (She has other plans so we didn't see her as we would usually). We FaceTimed on her birthday etc and then saw her briefly last weekend as again she had other plans (a lot harder to keep to the usual arrangement as she is getting older and seeing her friends etc). During the week I asked her dad if he had gotten her a card, which he hadnt, so I prompted him to buy one.

Anyway, she was a bit quiet with me at the weekend whilst she was here and seemed a bit off. I asked DP if she was ok and he said she was fine. I've just gone into the room she stays in when she is here and her dad has given her the card but not bothered to include my name in it.

I feel really annoyed and am now questioning whether she knows her present is from both of us or is thinking it's just from him and I've done literally nothing for her birthday.

I don't know whether im overreacting here or whether I need to say something to DP about this as feel it's pretty unfair or whether to message SD directly and tell her im mortified incase she thinks I've ignored her birthday. Or something entirely different.

Update:

So had conversation both with partner and with SD... she said she knew the present etc was from both of us and assured me not to worry (I'm very lucky she's a lovely girl)

DP thought I had bought her a card separately. Stemming from him not paying attention when I was showing him what I had bought her from the other children. He was sorry for upsetting me but just didn't think rather than there being any intent behind it. He also took the opportunity to remind me he isn't bothered about cards and doesn't get the big deal. And tbf I have been aware of this but he does also know that I think the thought behind a card is important so understands why I'm annoyed. I don't know if he's weird or if all men just don't really care about cards. Who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 24/06/2023 23:10

Again..man being thoughtless prick

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