How to deal with this kid

[sallysaysrelax23]

Might be a long one! Ds is 11 and in year 6. There's a boy in his class let's call him Harry who is giving him a hard time. Harry is very sporty and has very driven, competitive parents who want him to be the best at all costs. He's been on the school football team since the beginning on juniors and is well regarded as the best sportsman and footballer in the school. Ds joined the team a year or so ago and has shown a real talent for it. This has got Harry's back up and ever since then he's been awful to ds.

If ds does well or gets an achievement (a goal, man of the match, an award whatever) Harry will mock him or bring him down somehow. If ds makes a mistake Harry will point it out and show him up. If Harry gets a recognition he will brag and rub it in ds face. Now I understand a lot of this is probably just tween boy rivalry but it's now getting to the stage where he's saying other cruel things to ds like he won't have any friends when they go up to secondary in September. He never had an issue with ds before, only since he's shown he's a threat in terms of sporting ability.

We had school sports day last week and it was horrendous. Ds beat Harry in one race and he (and his parents!) were visibly livid. Then Harry beat ds and was up in his face mocking him. It ruins any achievement for ds and he's even spoken about quitting the team.

I know his parents won't be interested, in their eyes he does no wrong and it's all just healthy rivalry. With just a few weeks left at primary I don't think the school can do much either. I guess I just need tips on how to get ds to deal with it. I've said to ignore him but sometimes it's hard and I just feel thoroughly pissed off that one kid is sucking the joy and confidence out of something ds enjoys. Any ideas?

Stand up close and tell him he is obnoxious... Then smile.

With people like that it says more about them and how they feel about themselves than it does about your DS. Teach him to ignore what Harry says and look to stable people (family, actual friends, trusted adults) to hold a mirror up to him (praise when merited, correction when merited).

It's a valuable life lesson for your DS to learn as unfortunately Harry isn't the first and he'll likely not be the last.

Are they going to the same high school?

I'd explain to DS that Harry is obviously under a lot of pressure from his super-competitive parents and the only emotion he should feel towards Harry is pity. Bullies have often been bullied, in this situation quite possibly by his own parents. Imagine feeling so insecure that you need to behave like this. Poor Harry.
DS has no need to listen to anything Harry says, he's in the position of power here, not Harry.

"Ok!" And smile.

Every single time.

Harry will either get bored or confused.

You need to explain to your DS that jealousy is ugly and that Harry is just jealous because he has had to work really hard to get good at sport and has been pushed by his parents and he is clearly finding it difficult to see someone doing well who hasn't had to try so hard.

Your son might want to imagine how awful it is for Harry to have such pushy parents who clearly criticise him if he doesn't win.

I'd then ask your son to forgive Harry when he is being silly and just ignore him and not react to his tantrum. I'd also ask your son not to respond to the bragging either other than saying "well done, good race".

I've had similar at primary school where my DS was just a good runner and ended up winning the 100m against a child who had 3 older brothers who had won every school running race ever! It was the first time a child from this family had ever not come first.

I wonder if it would help or make it worse for your DS to try some comebacks, for example just to coolly ask ‘why do you care so much’?

This!!! Say something extremely cutting and teach him that two can play at his game!

They are going to the same high school and this is what worries me. I can only see it getting worse as testosterone starts raging and I don't want ds to go into a new school already being picked on. Ds can hold his own but at times I've seen him mirroring Harry's behaviour and becoming gloaty when he wins and incredibly sore when he loses. It's not him and I need to try and make him see that other peoples behaviour shouldn't change him.

I always tell him to be the bigger man and congratulate Harry on his achievements but it's getting increasingly harder to encourage that when you see how awful the kid is!

I wouldn't do this, tempting though it is (and I would really have to restrain myself). Escalating it will just play into his jealousy and sense of superiority and give him an excuse for a comeback. It will probably also antagonise his awful parents.

Rise above it. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know it's bothered you. If it becomes really unbearable raise it with the school.

Complain to the school.

Ask the High school to place in different classes and preferably different halves of the year. It will be a lot more competitive at high school and this will probably fade but it can't hurt to be proactive.

All the other strategies mentioned above about handling the moment look good.

Harry is the big fish in a small pond of a primary school
when Harry gets to secondary school he will be a big fish, but maybe not the big fish. He’ll also have a LOT Of biggish fish like your son outcompeting him in all sorts of things.
unless Harry’s achievements are so fantastic and exceptional that he remains THE big fish at secondary, he’ll soon have to take his entire focus off your son. If Harry stays THE big fish at secondary, then yes he’ll be popular and accolades but then they’ll be more kids at the receiving end of his bratish and bullying behaviour that your son can join in with to take shelter and support from

simply, leave it for now. Give your son the tools to help develop resilience for this sort of shit for rest of his life. Itlll not be the only big fish with a nasty bite he comes across. Wait to see what happens at secondary - but it will change both your son and Harry’s dynamic

if Harry continues to pick on your son specifically once at secondary then don’t piss around- go straight to the school. Not sure if you can , these days, mention to secondary school that there’s bullying and if possible they’re put in different form groups?

obviously if Harry’s behaviour escalates and starts to affect him deeply, fr remainder of the primary, don’t wait- deal with it with primary school.

I’d be inclined to tell my DS to act like Harry’s “in his face” behaviour doesn’t bother him and get him to say well done or fair play or something. Harry must think everyone is ultra-competitive like him and his parents. It’s a shame really.

i would have been inclined to involve the school with lessons on being a gracious winner and a good loser.

As it is you will have to teach your DS to do this, and anything Harry does is to be ignored.

Harry is used to being a big fish in a small pond. Secondary school is going to come as a big shock.

It's very very hard for your son but if he can learn to smile and say "yep well done" whenever Billy brags to him, it will very likely take all the wind out of Billy's sails. It's a great way to make people feel stupid whilst being nice yourself.
Ignoring Billy's nastiness when your son achieves something will have the same effect.
Your son probably is old enough to understand that this is actually really sad that a 10/11 year old and his parents care so much about this - and that maybe this is the only way Billy gets positive attention from his parents.
In terms of high school, I personally would contact and ask them to be in different classes. It just gives your son a better start. In my personal experience with my son, year 7 did start with a lot of testosterone-induced jostling for position among the boys - but it did settle down, particularly when the girls made it clear how immature they viewed the boys as.
Your son sounds a little like mine in some ways. Secondary school was great for him. The PE staff made it clear that they didn't reward idiots but those who put in lots of effort - they came down hard on anyone who ridiculed others in the team or bragged. Popularity in the school ended up largely being related to "niceness" and the year 7 braggers did not end up top dogs at all...
Good luck.

I think you should speak to team coach. Coach should be developing team spirit. Once they get working well as team will filter out.
Having two good players on the team should be a good thing. Can see why this is bothering your son also think sounds like other boy is getting this behaviour from home his parents as bad.
Would expect other team players don't like being with other boy either.

I agree with this, definitely tell the high school - I did this and they took it on board. You don’t have to go into details, I just said I’d prefer that my child wasn’t placed in the same form / timetabled lessons as another child they’d had ‘difficulties’ with them at primary school.

The high school were really accommodating- it’s in their interests to split up any children which may cause them issues and the year groups are big enough for this not be a problem to manage.

I imagine (like another pp pointed out) that once they get to high school there will be lots of bigger, faster, better fish and Harry might just be in for a shock.
Someone is likely to knock him off his pedestal 😉

We had a Harry. He made DS's life a misery at primary. When they moved to secondary, we asked that DS be put in a different form, which really helped. 'Harry' and his friends had one go at DS while walking home after school. Another parent saw it, brought DS home and backed me up when I contacted the school the next day. Harry & co. were hauled out of first lesson and DS heard the head of year absolutely wiping the floor with them in the classroom next door. Never had a peep out of Harry again! As others have said, I reckon your Harry will have a shock when he moves up and is no longer a big fish. Keep focusing on good sportsmanship with your DS and encourage him not to stoop to Harry's level.

I would raise this with school. Although sports rivalry seems to have been the trigger this seems like bullying behaviour to me.

That's the approach I'd take.

Any person who has to feel good about themselves by stepping down others will have a hard life. He's NOT CAPABLE to be comfortable with himself and how much he's achieved. Harry will spend his life in constant jealous and anger, as there will ALWAYS be someone who's done better than him.

So try to educate your DC rise above and see the bigger perspective.

This. Harry can’t react if your son doesn’t care.

I'd be talking to your son. I saw a video once which talked about how everyone's spirit is a candle, and good friends want to encourage your candle to shine brightly. Your candle shining does nothing to take away from how brightly someone else's is shining. Harry is trying to blow out your son's candle. He's not a good friend and his opinion is worthless since he's only trying to bring you down.

It may well be that Harry is apprehensive about moving up to high school himself, whether he admits it to himself or not, which is part of the reason that he is treating him as a threat. How sad that his parents are fostering this attitude. Sooner or later in our school career, we come up against somebody who is better at something than we are, and he should see having another talented team member on his side as an asset.
I agree that alerting the high school to the situation will help; being in different forms will help ease the tension, and I would be surprised if they did not see this sort of jostling for position with each new intake.

DS1 came across a Harry at an inter school athletic competition. He let everyone know he was brilliant at everything within minutes 🤔DS1 took an instant dislike to Harry.

DS1 and Harry were in the 800m. DS1 went like a rocket sprinting full pelt and finished over 60 m in front of Harry. Harry threw a monumental tantrum and threw his spikes in the nearest bin. DS1 had broken his trainers, so he had run barefoot.

Harry was knocked off his perch.

DS walked past him, shaking his head in pity.
The OPs Harry may well find he is nothing special at senior school. Her son just needs to keep his head up and not let Harry get under his skin.