To be blamed for their financial situation

[Feelingfloaty22]

Last year my relative was going on a family holiday during the summer with her dc and spouse. They live in another part of the country but booked flight tickets leaving from an airport nearish to where I live. She asked if she could drive down to my area with her family so they could stay at my place the night before her flight and leave her car on my road for the week she was away. They caught an uber to the airport the next day.

She had also earlier that year got a pet that she needed to be looked after so asked me to stay at her place for the week with my dc to look after her pet whilst she was away and then I could use her house as a base to visit places near her area (she lives within driving distance of some beautiful parts of the UK to visit in the summer).

Anyway my road has permit parking which i pay the council for and as a resident I can pay for a visitor permit for someone else's car who is visiting me using a third party parking app. This was what we agreed I would do and I did this for the first couple of days. Then I ran in to a problem on the app that would not allow me to buy another visitor permit as my parking permit had supposedly expired. When i checked the council website it had not. I eventually worked out on the second day of this happening that the app date for my resident permit was not the same as the council as it started on the day I registered on the app not the day I paid for my permit. I know this is really boring but I'm getting there.

Anyway so I went back to buying resident parking permits for my dsis car. However when she got back from her trip she found that she had 3 parking tickets on her car. She was highly annoyed and blamed this on me so asked me to pay for the fines. I explained the situation and told her I would appeal it on her behalf. I sent a letter of appeal to the council for the parking fines and explained it was a technical issue preventing me from buying the visitor permit. I did not hear back from the council and thought we had a lucky escape.

A few months down the line my bil received a letter saying he had to pay the fine otherwise he would receive a CCJ. He was the registered owner of the car but i think he sold it so it took longer to contact him. However, as my bil was away for a few months for work he did not see the letter and my dsis did not open it either. Consequently the CCJ was issued and they had to pay the fine. My bil and dsis blame me saying that I should have paid for the 3 fines initially (over £100) instead of appealing it and should have followed up when i didnt get a response from the council.

I was very apologetic and offered to pay the cost of removing the CCJ (about £375). I forwarded the forms to do this to my dsis and asked her to fill in the paperwork as i did not know their personal details needed to apply to remove it. My dsis and bil decided not to remove the CCJ and instead my dsis asked me to pay the cost of the fine £200 to her. She seems to think they cant remove it but wont explain why. I said fine.

Anyway in conversations with my dsis she brings this up occasionally and blames me for ruining her h's credit rating. I normally bite my tongue but on this occasion I could not as she started to say that i had planned it. I told her that they were likely have been contacted by the council/debt recovery company/courts several times before the CCJ and they did not open their letters and see the warnings. In the past year I received 2 fines for staying in 2 separate car parks too long that I did not pay upfront. I received several letters before it got to the point of threatening me with a CCJ which spanned over at least 2 months to 3 months. So it was partially their bad administration and communication that they didn't agree some way for my dsis to check her spouses letters whilst he was away. Also I had offered to pay to remove the CCJ which would have improved her credit score and she had just wanted the money for the fine. (My dsis hates filling in forms and her h also for some reason didn't want to remove it because he thought he work would find out about it if he appealed). So the blame is partially on the 2 of them not only me because of their decision to not remove the CCJ.

My dsis flipped out on me and told me I'm jealous of her life (I'm a single mum) and that I deliberately tried to ruin her by not paying the fine (so I had planned for her to get a CCJ from last summer). She called me toxic and said that she is going non contact with me and will not speak to me till my dad's funeral.

Was I unreasonable to not pay the full fine in the first place ( I regularly appeal parking fines for myself and only pay for them if I can't get out if it so did the same thing for her)? Am I to blame for the CCJ or does she have some responsibility for it being issued? Also am I wrong to tell her that she could have the CCJ removed and improve her partners credit score again and has chosen not to because she can't be bothered to fill in a form?

'Not speaking to you until Dad's funeral?????' What a disgusting thing to say. Over MONEY???? sisters are falling out over MONEY?
She is a ridiculous drama queen.

If your sister wanted to park on a permit parking street she should’ve made sure the permit was paid for before she left. That’s her responsibility as a car owner. She parked it there.

yes she had to ask you to help to utilise your resident perks in order to get a permit and safe parking near an airport. (Plus a nights room and board!)

but she could’ve made sure by purchasing a week long permit! She was there the day before. She could’ve made you do it. Sat with you and got it sorted out. She didn’t.

she left the responsibility of buying the daily permits on you and left without making sure her car was permitted.

it’s not your fault there was a technical error.

it’s not your fault she didn’t chase up appealing the fine. It’s her car and her responsibility as she is a named driver. I doubt they’d have talked to you about the fine anyway OP.

its not your fault they ignored the letters.

they both could’ve paid the early fine and hounded you for your share afterwards!

You should pay 1/3 of the original fine.

the rest is on them.

Overall, I voted YANBU.

Although, YABU to have not sorted out the visitor permit issue as soon as you realised that the app wasn’t allowing you to purchase additional visitor permits. It was obvious that their car would have got parking tickets sitting there for another three days without a visitor’s permit.

YABU further by not bothering to chase up the appeal to the Council. Not hearing back from the Council about the appeal you submitted does not mean it’s all over and done with.

It’s not hard to get parking fines these days, so you have to be really careful. I hate the thought of having to appeal, so I go out of my way to avoid parking fines. DP is the opposite and drives me mad with the amount of parking tickets he racks up. He seems to like wasting his time appealing them which I’ll never understand. He tends to almost always win on appeal somehow, which I guess makes him feel like he does not need to be bothered about where or how he parks. We’re currently sharing one car which is registered in my name, so he knows to be extra careful and we haven’t had any parking tickets for a while.

Anyway, YANBU overall as your Sis sounds like hard work and is taking this piss.

You offered to sort out the CCJ and Sis and BIL refused. Tough titty then. Let them continue to suffer without a preferable resolution.
I’m not sure about timelines around CCJ’s these days. I successfully challenged one many moons ago in relation to a mix up with rent charges when I was a student.

Sis asked you to stay at her house to pet sit. It was her idea! Unless having multiple day trips out close to her home was something that I had wanted to do and on my timeline, it would be extremely inconvenient for me to have to pack up myself and my DC to leave our home, work and busy lives to look after somebody else’s pet. She used you in a successful attempt to save lots of money organising alternative pet care. I don’t know how much pet care costs but I know it can run into 100’s/1000’s.

Again, she used you for free (possibly?) parking and to avoid paying for a night at a hotel near to the airport. Not a completely unreasonable request on the face of it, but she sounds like a user and a bit batshit. I imagine the visitor’s permit is relatively cheap compared to regular parking charges in the same spot for a week - Did SIL offer to pay for their week of visitor’s permits?

They should have been opening their post. If BIL is regularly working away, surely they should have an arrangement where your Sis opens BIL’s post, esp. when it’s not clear what it could be from the envelope/return address, etc.

Your Sis sounds like she’s banding around the word toxic because someone is likely to have called her that. Is your Father still alive? It was an awful thing to say that she would only see you at your Father’s funeral. I bet you’ve suffered a long history of toxic behaviour from her. It’s sad that your kids’ relationships will be affected by this. Hopefully, she’ll realise she’s being unreasonable, if not she’s a drama llama and you’re well rid. She sounds like she’ll be in contact again soon enough, as if nothing’s happened asking you for yet another favour that benefits her whilst inconveniencing you and your family.

Why do you think your Sis thinks that you’re jealous of her and intentionally trying to sabotage her and BIL?

It did make me regret helping in the first place. My parents live in the same city as me. They have off street parking but she chose to stay at mine because it would cost her less to catch an uber from my place then my parents. My parents did ask her at that time to leave her car at theirs so it wasn't like she didn't have that option.

So these people have tried to save a few pounds by imposing all sorts of obligations and conditions on you and when it goes wrong, because they take far less ownership of their own obligations than those they pass off in to you, they start demanding and accusing and guilt tripping you.

To the point that you are spending time writing long explanations of parking ticket procedures in an attempt to work out how guilty you are.

This is just awful.

They are awful.

Honestly, just have no more involvement in this transaction. You are right, they have hit on a button to push which will have you forever in hock to them. The emotional debt they want from you is enormous.

Really horrible people. Please set yourself free of them and this mind fuck they are enjoying at your expense.

Maybe you should have acted quicker and chased up the appeal.

But she wanted you to help her avoid paying for her parking and looking after her pet. She should have handled this a lot better instead of taking the nuclear option.

Tell any debt collection agencies or parking departments that are contacting you (if they are) to take it up with the vehicles owner and that you are washing your hands of involvement.

I struggle to understand why you feel responsible for their fine and subsequent CCJ: They got the fine because they used your parking, home and pet sitting service (all free presumably) going on a holiday that you have no part of. She parked her car on your street at her own risk (particularly when there's an option of parking at your parents'). It is no more your responsibility to sort her parking fine out then if you had gotten a parking ticket while staying at hers. Some people just take no responsibility to what happened to them! Separately, it seems she also has a very elevated opinion of herself (that others are jealous of her and that others should be grateful for being allowed to stay at her fine home etc). Don't let people like that walk all over you, life would only get harder if you do. Live your own life and let her do what she wants, NC if that's what she chooses.

My dsis flipped out on me and told me I'm jealous of her life (I'm a single mum) and that I deliberately tried to ruin her by not paying the fine (so I had planned for her to get a CCJ from last summer). She called me toxic and said that she is going non contact with me and will not speak to me till my dad's funeral.

What a nasty piece of work. I would be furious.

Putting all the onus on you about parking their car in your street and then blaming you when it goes wrong. You tried to be helpful. They could have just parked the car at the airport.

Nasty dig about you being a single mum too. (I'm one myself). What, she thinks she's superior having some dick in her life who can't even park a fucking car properly.?!

You have my sympathies. Oh, and next time stop pandering to their selfishness and incompetence.

Sorry but I don’t think any of this is your fault. She’s too tight to pay for airport parking and this is the result. No one in their right mind would leave their car in a residential street where you need a parking permit for a week or so. She was just relying on you doing it all for her. Bit different had she parked on a drive, but this is exactly the sort of thing that I would think would happen.

Not to mention the sheer entitlement of using a residential street that's crowded enough by resident's needs to warrant a permit scheme as a cheap alternative to airport parking.

Everything revolves around those two and what they want.

Get out of their orbit. They are life sucking.

You were doing your sister a massive favour - giving her somewhere to stay the night before her flight and somewhere to leave her car, so she didn't have to pay for an airport hotel and airport parking fees. Then you were expected to drive to hers and look after her house and pet for free.

I'd be telling her that you're the one who is cutting contact with her.

You sound like a great person. I feel your sister should apologize to you, she’s treated you abominably.

I can’t lie, your posts are too long and it’s too late for me to usefully comprehend them. But it comes across from reading your OP that they have a convenience relationship with you - they only like you when you can do something for them, they don’t seem to actually value your presence? They obviously think you’re not worth having a relationship with and are happy to throw it away over parking. It also sounds like they pity you and are judgemental of your lifestyle choices. You also come across as passive. I mean, I live in a desirable area too and would have refused this kind of set up. I’m definitely not staying at someone’s house to babysit their pet. You just saved them a fortune in expenses.

I didn’t see the post where she said you’re jealous of her and accusing you of doing it on purpose, and threatened to go no contact after everything you’ve done for her and all the hassles she’s put you through. Treated you like a lowly servant who should be grateful for slaving away for her mistress. It makes me angry on your behalf. She is unhinged and demented. You are a much better person than she is, that is very evident. She’s jealous of you if anything because you are kind and she’s a b.

I don’t understand why you were paying for someone else to park on your road.
You did her a favour by allowing her to stay at yours the night before her flight hence saving her money on a hotel AND you paid for her to park her car whilst she was on holiday!! AND you had to go to all the hassle of organising that AND you stay at her place whilst she’s away and look after her pet

Am I missing something here?
Do most people do all this?!

WHY. WHY WHY.

Thanks for the responses. It's interesting to read because when I speak to my own family they are much more ambivalent about it though they do think what my sister said was outrageous.

To give context in our family there is a sense of duty that was instilled towards helping eachother especially on the eldest (my sis and me). My sis because she is on the surface in a better financial situation feels it the most so she tends to over stretch herself then gets angry. So for example she lent my brother her h car for a few months and when my brother returned it there was some damage to the side mirrors. She flipped out at my brother and said he was trying to ruin her relationship with her husband, because he damaged their car and didn't admit it. She also went non contact with him. Dbro paid for the damage (about £250) but bil refused to take the money (even though he complained about db to my sis) and instead of returning it to my db she kept it. She has also given money to my younger sis to help with her wedding, first baby then regretted it when she doesnt give her the respect and adulation she feels she deserves. So she has developed this opinion that our family suck her dry, negatively impact her life etc. She can be generous but tends to be impulsive with it and then regrets it afterwards.

She is resentful of me because i am one of the eldest but many moons ago I broke out of this toxic dynamic and only help when I am able to and it doesn't negatively impact me. So I won't help unless I definitely won't feel any expectation of reciprocation because I know it won't come back. My younger sis and bro feel little to no sense of duty towards anyone but my parents so i tend to do nothing for them unless i feel like it (e.g. buying something for my nephews) or a gift for an occassion.

My sis expects some glory or honour and she doesn't receive it so she is bitter. I used to be like that when I overhelped I'm my 20s and so I stopped doing it which made me unpopular with my mum (the original people pleaser) and my older sister (the next in line) who think I am selfish because I do nice things for myself and kids. I recently went abroad on holiday on my own as dcs dad had them which is one of the perks of being a single mum. I know both my sis and mum were bothered by it. I am taking away my kids over the summer after not taking them abroad since 2019 and my sis said it was rude of me to talk about family holidays when she had a ccj because of me. (That's partially how this confrontation started).

She has stayed at my house before when she visits my parents and complained that I didn't have enough food for her And dcs. The next time she came I stocked up so she wouldn't complain but ran out of eggs and she complained that I knew she was coming and hadn't 'prepared' for her by buying eggs for breakfast. I made French toast for her and her kids. I mainly indulge this nonsense because our dcs are best of friends. I have also stayed at hers when I have visited but do tend to pay my way otherwise she gets resentful. So even though I am a single parent I try to pay like on like with her if we go on a day out because she complains. Which is fine but she tends to be extravagant in some things especially eating out and I prefer to spend it on kids activities and bring my own food.

So for me yes when she goes non contact with me it is like having a mini break from the madness but my kids do miss out and I feel like I am modelling bad sibling relationships.

She sounds hard work. They are not being truthful about credit file impact / CCJ. There is more going on with them financially and they are using this as an excuse.

They sound like they have inflated egos. You are better off without them.

She can't really blame you for ruining her credit score when your offered to repair it for her and she turned you down and wanted the money for herself? If she was that bothered about her credit score she would have filled in the paperwork and had the ccj removed from her file 🤷‍♀️ Sounds like she's doing you a favour going NC tbh. Couldn't be dealing with that drama. Let's not mention thier lack of opening mail which would have put a stop to the process before a ccj anyway 🤦‍♀️

OP--I certainly hope that you never, ever, agree to let her stay in your house before a flight, park on your road for their holiday or pet-sit their dog while they go off on a merry time.

They can get a hotel the night before, pay for their own parking and either board their dog or hire a pet-sitter. At that point, perhaps they will realize just how much you saved them, money and convenience-wise.
Yes, you should have stayed on top of the council and perhaps paid 1/2 of the fine in the beginning. Your sister and her NSDH seem like they don't mind putting people out for their gain but have no capabilities of dealing with a problem that cropped up.

Tl;dr

It's her fine. She should have been the one to appeal it.

Your sister sounds like a control freak and drama llama plus a user. Who throws around NC when she doesn’t get her way.

I’ve got a younger hair sister about 7 years younger from my dad’s third marriage and she’s similar to yours but not the NC. All her life she’s been known as bossy and she’s regularly had fights with people including having goes at people (me included). As she was my sister I always took this as I’ve got a younger half brother and sister from this marriage. A few years ago she used me again and I flipped and lost/reduced contact with her but my DB got in touch with her a few years later and saw her and then we spoke and possibly could’ve built up a relationship. Turns out she’s one of those who finds it very easy to dish out her own bad behaviour or excuse others but then if I do something (lesser usually) she blames me more. My DM said as she’s had children she’s probably matured which is wrong!

Anyway I went NC with her about 10 years ago now and don’t regret it one bit. The only thing I do regret is we all did have really great times growing up, staying over, family parties, holidays etc. Basically until our dad died things were good and even after that. Maybe the huge age gap meant she/me were immature when younger. The other thing I didn’t like was when my step-mum started a new relationship her new SO was incredibly rude to me by phone when they were together when I used to ring up and in person on another occasion cession before and after and just after my dad died, for no reason because he probably hated my dad. I don’t mind not seeing him either or my step mum because I can’t be dealing with that bitterness and rudeness directed to me as an adult but also the total disrespect as the stepdaughter of my stepmum (we had a really good relationship, no arguments ever and me and my mum were very sympathetic when her marriage to my dad broke down).

The whole situation with my half sister has meant going NC with my other half brother and half sister which is a shame but the brother does have big mental health issues. I’d go NC here.

“I regularly appeal parking fines for myself”

You both sound like an administrative shitshow with too much drama.

Life admin doesn't sound like a strong point in your family. You need to know this about yourselves and keep your lives simple. I.e carparks, not asking too much of each other. I'm like this and I wouldn't offer anything to my sister that relies on me doing life admin but equally she knows me and would prefer to sort herself out.

You did apologise and offer to pay. You can't do anymore now. If they keep bringing it up I suggest you say something like, I have apologised and I am very sorry for the part i played in this. It was a genuine mistake and i should have paid the fine.

Is there anything I can do to help now' if it goes on I'd either ignore it or say the same but also say the constant remarks don't change anything and are really upsetting.

There are 2 types of fines private ones worth appealing - and I do,

council ones which are much more regulated and it isn’t worth appealing unless there are mitigating circumstances AND proof. In this case I would pay and dispute after to avoid it getting to ccj.

I think you were a bit at fault in not sorting the parking at the time (ringing the council and telling them the app wasn’t working) not chasing up after your letter. But also they were at fault for not acting on whatever court letters they received.

It sounds like a stressful situation.