To think this is a bit tasteless… (lighthearted…ish)

[OrangesAndLemming]

Context: Mil has form for being a little overbearing (she is quite self aware of this and catches herself sometimes ) but we have overall a very good relationship, I like her a lot and I know she has very good intentions for everyone, myself included and feel so welcome in the family.

So cut to this week. It’s my birthday and also my partners within days so receive gifts together. We have 1 dc, nearly 6monthd old. Amongst our gifts is a parenting book, which she said she bought specifically for me. It’s ‘The book you wish your parents had read’ (link at the end). I don’t quite know how to take it. I have a strained / low contact relationship with my parents family but she doesn’t know the full extent of the trauma etc so I’m not sure quite why this book was aimed at me. Did she just Google the best current parenting books and think it would be helpful? And why was it not for her son to read too?

I just feel a bit odd/ put it by it! She doesn’t know this but for several years prior to having our dd I did a lot of work on / reading around generational trauma, cycle breaking etc and it just feels a bit like she saying ‘your family is a bit messed up so you had better read this so you don’t eff up your kids too’!

Also we have never talked about parenting books before nor has she recommended any in conversation as well. But she did similar at Xmas with a big book on child development also for me not her son. I think my issue is twofold - why shouldn’t the bloke take on the mental load of parenting research too? And why specifically this book?!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0241251028?maas=maas_adg_A6292DC0E968A0542E0B021085848850_afap_abs&ref_=aa_maas&tag=maas&gclid=Cj0KCQjw4s-kBhDqARIsAN-ipH2KEk35fPI7eyGwkn48viBuqkICsRxgps_qWfCY5Qqwzm-HC9pCU6saArd7EALw_wcB

yabu - she’s trying to do a nice thing, maybe didn’t realise what the book was about. Don’t overthink it!

yanbu - it’s an odd gift and a bit rude

Very old fashioned that it’s specifically for you not the both of you

It's an interesting book and if she usually has good intentions I don't think she meant any harm. She may have asked around about parenting books and someone suggested this over a day 'how to' book.

It's a good book but yeah - he could do with reading it!

I think in your circumstances the title is unfortunate but she doesn't sound malicious. For what it's worth it's likely she read about the book somewhere and thought it sounded good because it is! It's an incredibly popular and well regarded book and everyone I know waxes lyrical about it.

It would irk me that it's "for me" slightly so I get it but I'd just let this one go.

I'm reading this book and personally think it's amazing! So. Hopefully good intentions rusher than bad.

It's a highly rated book so she probably saw it promoted and recommended.
If it was a nod to your history with your own parents I think it's a gentle way to give a meaningful gift showing solidarity with your trauma and pain.
I don't see it as criticism, I see it as a sweet gift to acknowledge your difficult relationship with them. When parents have had terrible parents yes it can teach they what not to do but it doesn't necessarily give an example of what to do or how to be a good parent.. it's not enough to just not harm or abuse there is a lot more to it and parenting can be very triggering to a parent with childhood wounds. I think it was a thoughtful gift. Maybe she knew her son wouldn't read it or maybe she thought her son is ok or just not as hands on as you are with the children to need it.

I wouldn't overthink this. You haven't told her too much about your parents so it's probably not aimed at you but kind of aimed at herself. It's like she's saying her son doesn't need to read it because his parents (her) were great. Depending on how it was said she might have been joking.

I got bought this too by in laws. Although they have form (I got ‘what not to wear’ another year) I didn’t think it was actually a slight. Both were very popular books. In my case I think they just picked up the first vaguely appropriate thing as you enter Waterstones (or more likely tesco offers shelf) I do think in this case your mil was probably trying to do a nice thing as it is a very highly acclaimed book and I just don’t think she will have thought along the line of where your brain has gone.

I do think it’s a weird birthday present choice and also outrageous it was ‘for you’, but she definitely won’t have been thinking about that in any depth (and to be fair if anyone has bought similar for my husband, it would have been handed straight over to me anyway 🙄. He just wouldn’t read it)

It is a bit of a celebrity book isn't it and is in an attractive cover with what looks like handwritten bits on the front. Unless she is usually spiteful and unhelpful I think she meant it as something interesting or helpful for you to read for you not because she wants to influence your parenting. From the title does she even think it is going to be humorous? If she us usually loving and tries to fet it right I think try not to be annoyed. But you could ask her if she realised what the book is?

I would give it back to her and simply say you don’t need it. Telling you it’s specifically for you is a bitch move. She can give it to her son.

My MIL bought me this book too! I think there was a bit of a buzz about it, celebrity endorsed type thing. I don't think she meant any harm.

im inclined to agree with the general consensus here - I know (hope) there wasn’t anything more to it! But still can’t help but feel a bit out of joint by it ha!! Ironically I checked my kindle and apparently I’m already 15% through the book… I obviously didn’t care much for it then either - Perhaps it’s the universe telling me to give the book a second chance!

I wouldn't be too offended personally. It's quite a high profile book, it's not really a parenting book per se, I'd put it more in the "popular science" category. Is often doscussed on podcasts etc.
I think I'd be more offended if someone got me the contented little baby book or something like that.

My mum bought it for me.
I thought it would be worth reading - I would ask her 'why did you make a point of this book being for me, rather than your Son or both of us?'

I do think it’s a bit of an odd present especially with the comments but in the context of an otherwise good relationship I’d let it go and assume it is well intended.

Its a really interesting book. Don't be too put off.

Definitely worth asking if she's read it, at some point, as it's not really a parenting book, more a self help/ therapy/psychology book that it makes sense to read if you have kids of any age!

I have such a similar mil. I'm really trying to learn not to take these things personally. And to be curious as to why my fil can say the same things but it just doesn't push my buttons. Mostly I'm trying to recognise the genuinely good intentions and be grateful for the love and being made welcome.

It's a sobering thought to imagine yourself as a mil to a woman in the future.

My MIL would always gift fancy cookery books to my DP, thinking hat he cooks in our family. He makes beans on toast once a week for us and a roast in Christmas, which is when they see him cook and make assumptions about the rest of the year. I have never burst their fantasy. So, your MIL may be well meaning, just a little out of touch.

It’s thoughtless in terms of the relationship you have with your family and sexist in just giving it to you but i suspect it was well intentioned and she wouldn’t have meant to cause any harm. I think I’d be tempted to say when you’re with both of them that it’s your DHs turn to read a parenting book

If your relationship with your MIL is otherwise mostly fine, I think it’s probably just that she’s missed the mark a bit with the book.

Annoying that she’s given it to just you rather than both of you, but most parents can’t really imagine that their own offspring need parenting advice.

I don’t think I would give a self help book of any kind to an in-law. There’s just too much potential to cause (even minor) offence. But it sounds like your MIL is a bit thoughtless rather than actually toxic. Maybe ask your DH to read it and tell you about the interesting bits!

She's wagging a finger at you and telling you that you need parenting advice.

social gaff also included targetting you - her blue-eyed boy is obviously off the hook and doesn't need to read it or take any advice, because he's already perfect, it's just you who's in need. Urgh.

The road to perdition is paved with "good intentions".