Harassment? Stalking? Smear campaign? What do I do?

[user1488481370]

Posted before about my in-laws (BIL & SIL)
we used to live next door to them and they made our lives a misery to the point where we had to up sticks and move. Police were involved and they were both cautioned. BIL also has a criminal record for beating OH up.

I thought that a lot of the abuse and bad feeling would stop there but in the last year SIL has confronted my friends and been incredibly aggressive and threatening with them when they’ve stood up for me. This has happened with 2 different friends on 2 occasions.

They have ordered a taxi with my uncle’s taxi firm several times so that they could slander me to him (he managed to catch the conversation on his dash cam although he’s never let me listen to or see the footage but said he’d keep it just in case I needed it in future)

She has contacted my daughter’s primary school saying that my children are neglected because I once let my 1 year old outside in our garden in the evening with no top on (absolutely lathered I’m suncream might I add) she also stated that I left the same child unattended in the garden for 30 minutes which is absolute rubbish!

She has befriended my mum’s old colleagues and slandered me to them also.

Her most recent attempt at completely ruining my reputation has been to go to the local pub and loudly and drunkenly tear me to shreds. To the point the owner filmed her and she was eventually asked to leave.

Now I can deal with this, it doesn’t bother me because none of what she’s saying is true and she’s just showing people how unhinged she really is, however, we had to go back to our old house earlier this week (OH’s business is still there) I had my toddler (2.5) with me and was stood in the yard as SIL pulled into the yard. She then proceeded to accelerate towards us before abruptly stopping, less than 2m away from us. Luckily, because I’m so terrified and anxious about going back there, I had my phone on video the whole time and managed to record what she did. I’ve informed the police, they’ve seen the video and should’ve been round to ask her for an interview today.

I'm just wondering if I mention everything else as well? I don’t think the police have any comprehension of how much this has affected me and my family over the years. I’m getting better now we’ve moved but have been a complete anxious wreck. I had a panic attack after the car incident on Tuesday which was my first one in months. My eldest children have been really affected by it all too, I feel guilty for us sticking it out in that environment for so long thinking that we were doing the right thing

It sounds like you’ve had an awful time. Yes, do tell the police everything. It might be that today’s incident in isolation wouldn’t be enough for the police to act, but today’s incident plus the history might be sufficient for the police to act. Tell them everything.

Of course you tell them everything, why wouldn't you? You say you don't think the police know how bad its been for you, but how can they if you don't tell them.
Of course, remind them about past call outs and their cautions and convictions too and don't take for granted they'll look up the history for themselves

Log everything with the police.

Well we’ve had police involvement for a long time now. But only ever reported the threatening behaviours/incidents. We were told not to report ‘every little thing.’

Yikes OP they sound unhinged!

Yes you must tell the police everything. Get a crime number and anything you have to report in future make sure its logged under that master crime reference, that way police will see the whole picture. Only report whats criminal and make sure the police know she is involving others. Horrible for you and I hope the police do their job and put a stop to her behaviour.

@MrsHound thank you. We actually have a number already and we quote it every time we ring. I’ll definitely be informing them of the other incidents now. I worry about overreacting and then thinking that im being petty

You need to report every incident and get a reference number for each report. This will show it is a course of conduct which amounts to stalking. If you don't report every incident, the police won't see the big picture. You can probably report online which is much easier.

I'd also suggest you call the Suzy Lamplugh trust for advocacy support https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

You are def not petty. She sounds unhinged. Great advice there from Chop Suey 2.

At this point, any unwanted contact, turning up where you are (without a reason, with the intention of you knowing), false allegations etc are all harassment. Think less about whether the act is a crime in itself (e.g. assault) and more whether it's part of a pattern of stalking. Sometimes you hear things like "standing on the street isn't illegal". It's not as a rule, but it is when it's harassment.

Report every single thing. Every time. Without fail.

@ChopSuey2 thank you for the advice and particularly the link.

The police have been in touch this morning, they had to arrest her as she wouldn’t go down to the station voluntarily for an interview. They’ve said anymore reports and both her and BIL could be looking at ‘cooling off time.’ Have explained all of the other incidents too and am currently in the process of getting appropriate footage sent to them.

Really shocking behaviour from a specialist NHS nurse (who we believe has also tampered with the address on correspondence about my DD)

I hope this is the first step to this ending.

You could mention to the police that you'd like a Stalking Protection Order. This is similar to a restraining order but doesn't need a conviction (it's on the civil balance of probabilities, not criminal beyond reasonable doubt). It's a civil order but breaching it is a criminal offence. Police apply for this. It's not something all police forces are great at doing, so they may not have considered it.

Am I right in understanding you're saying she's an nurse? If so, are the police aware as the NMC will need to be informed.

Really shocking behaviour from a specialist NHS nurse (who we believe has also tampered with the address on correspondence about my DD)

Was this health related correspondence in which she used her position to gain access to a database for the purposes of tampering with the address?

If so you need to raise this concern with her employer so they can undertake an investigation. You could also possibly report to the NMC, I usually have a very high threshold for suggesting that but I think her behaviour meets that threshold. It's totally unacceptable for any HCP to behave in that way and it will almost certainly breach her employers data protection policies as well as her code of professional conduct.

I second contacting the national stalking helpline, linked above, to get advice on how to move forward and also how to protect yourself. At a bare minimum you need to keep a record of all incidents.

@FOJN yes, it was correspondence relating to my DD. Unfortunately it was the department in which SIL specialises in. We had a letter with DD’s name on it and BIL & SIL’s address. I put in an official complaint around a year ago but am still waiting on a satisfactory explanation. I did post on MN at the time and got some brilliant advice. I thought I was being overly suspicious as they’ve messed with my head so much over the years with their games and threats.

I’ve toyed with the idea of contacting the NMC. I have the evidence I need but I know that it will escalate things at home. I’m not sure whether she’s made them aware of her police caution, would they automatically be made aware or would she have to make them aware?

I think a nurse has to report any charges or cautions themselves to both their employer and the NMC. I don't know whether police would inform the NMC automatically for this offence.

@ChopSuey2 oh really? Well given how arrogant she is I could bet my house that she hasn’t informed them.

Your SIL is responsible for telling the NMC about her caution. If she hasn’t done that and they find out then she could be in very serious trouble with them.