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AIBU?

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Original poster

My friend is annoying me

21 replies

Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 21:40

I have a best friend whom I’ve been friends with for years and I absolutely love to bits. We have so many good memories together and she’s a genuinely nice person. But she has a habit that drives me mad and I really don’t know how to approach it.

everytime we have a conversation she turns it to her. If I’m chatting about anything she sort of half listens and doesn’t ask any questions or try to have a conversation she just goes ‘yeah’ and half laughs and then immediately tells her own story. It sounds petty but it’s really grating at times. All she does is talk about her work, her friends, her family and her life and I engage with the conversation and ask questions. It’s a bit frustrating because she just chats about very niche things that I can’t really talk about other than small talk (like very specific work things if that makes sense) so honestly the conversation gets pretty dull for me but I go with it and ask questions and we can have a conversation. But when I talk about my stuff she barely listens then immediately starts talking about her own things and her friends and it’s so draining! Sometimes we will chat about neutral things that are neither about hers or my life but then she just turns it back to her life and goes on for AGES. And half the time it’s the same story I’ve heard a million times before

does anyone have any advice? I don’t want To cause any upset but I’m fed up with us hanging out and being bored stiff spending it talking about her things.

we had a brief chat tonight about my work (for around 10 seconds) where I mentioned I was stressed and anxious about something and then she immediately turned it back to her work and telling me specific things that mean nothing to me and it’s pretty draining. It’s like that for everything.

I’ve tried dropping hints like going really quiet when she goes on and on about her things, and I’ve also tried speaking to her directly about it. Neither made any difference

does anyone have any advice or experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 22/06/2023 21:44

some people arent aware that they do it, maybe in her head this is how a back and forth should be
so if you want to keep the friendship you need to tell her the truth , point it out next time she does it

Original poster
Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 21:46

truthhurts23 · 22/06/2023 21:44

some people arent aware that they do it, maybe in her head this is how a back and forth should be
so if you want to keep the friendship you need to tell her the truth , point it out next time she does it

I already told her directly but it made no difference at all and she just keeps doing it anyway!

OP posts:
Pinkscaf · 22/06/2023 21:49

It can be anxiety. Sometimes people are so anxious they don't really listen and almost get over excited that they can relate with a similar story.

Original poster
Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 21:51

Pinkscaf · 22/06/2023 21:49

It can be anxiety. Sometimes people are so anxious they don't really listen and almost get over excited that they can relate with a similar story.

That’s what I was thinking maybe causing it too rather than bad intentions. but regardless of the cause it’s so so draining and exhausting to be friends with, speaking to her directly made no change at all so not sure where to go with it :(

OP posts:
Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 22/06/2023 21:53

It might be that she wants you to know she understands what you are going through. Can you jokingly say oi we are talking about me?

UpaladderwatchingTV · 22/06/2023 21:53

Quit honestly OP, I don't think this person is the right friend for you. A real friend gives and takes, especially in conversation. I'm afraid I would be letting this relationship drift in your shoes, she probably won't even notice, if she's that wrapped up in her own importance!

Original poster
Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 21:55

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 22/06/2023 21:53

It might be that she wants you to know she understands what you are going through. Can you jokingly say oi we are talking about me?

Yeah I tried that, and I tried subtle hints being like ‘yep, I’ve heard that a million times already tonight!’ Or ‘yep, I thought we were talking about my work/life/family’ but she just goes oops haha! Then does the exact same thing again and again and again. It sounds petty from me but it’s actually exhausting!

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 22/06/2023 21:56

It could be due to something like anxiety or adhd etc... or she could be just a self centred person. Are there any plus points to the friendship? Does she make you laugh? Is she thoughtful? If not, then I'd consider distancing yourself and focusing on friendships that are more balanced. To me a massive part of friendship is that mutual support and interest you give to each other, so I'd find this kind of friendship very unfulfilling and as I've got older, I'm less inclined to waste my time on unfulfilling relationships.

A303 · 22/06/2023 21:57

It is much deeper than you think. She wants recognition. That's all.

You need to tell her how you feel and tell her to take deeper breaths and calm down. Tell her it is not all about her.

Original poster
Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 22:09

A303 · 22/06/2023 21:57

It is much deeper than you think. She wants recognition. That's all.

You need to tell her how you feel and tell her to take deeper breaths and calm down. Tell her it is not all about her.

I’ve done that! Made no difference at all to it unfortunately

OP posts:
ymemanresu · 22/06/2023 22:10

This is my mum. Drains me to hell. Tried to tell her but she doesn't get it. My mum is a lovely, kind, empthatic person, she just doesn't show it in conversation Suffers bad anxiety and possibly autistic 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 22:10

@UpaladderwatchingTV and @Aria2015 honestly you both hit the nail on the head- I absolutely love her and she’ll always be one of my best friends but this makes it so hard for us to be friends :(

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 22/06/2023 22:11

oops haha! Then does the exact same thing again and again and again.

And that's when you say, no, actually I need to talk about my things for a change, as I have explained before.

Original poster
Mintyicecream3 · 22/06/2023 22:13

Atethehalloweenchocs · 22/06/2023 22:11

oops haha! Then does the exact same thing again and again and again.

And that's when you say, no, actually I need to talk about my things for a change, as I have explained before.

I did, I’ve mentioned it directly after subtle and in a lighthearted way didn’t work. No difference at all

OP posts:
Punf · 22/06/2023 22:13

I do this. I have anxiety and ADHD.

I guess in the moment it feels like I'm showing you I relate and I find it hard to do the sympathetic ear thing, even though I do care very much I find it hard showing emotion outwardly and fell like. I'm 'acting'. So I try and show that I've been in a similar situation.

From here and other places I've learned it s problematic and I'm trying to do it less but I have a real hard time with social conversation and in the moment and panic of the situation I can't think of anything else to say apart from trying to relate my own experiences.

neilyoungismyhero · 22/06/2023 22:14

My dad was exactly the same and I realised one day I had married my dad- my husband is the same. I don't think it's anxiety I think it's self centred, rude and disrespectful and no, they won't ever change. I rarely bother to talk to my husband anymore.

Anothercrappyusername · 22/06/2023 22:14

Does she have other friends and family to chat with, just wondering if you’re her only outlet.

Grumpusaurus · 22/06/2023 22:16

I think you need to be a lot more direct and tel her how rude she is. I would get up and leave, while telling her that you just cannot deal with her constant monologues. She is a rude and self absorbed brat.

MammaWeasel · 22/06/2023 22:17

My best friend is very much like this. I usually let it wash over me, but when I need to talk I've started to interrupt her and say, " hang on, back to me". It usually stops her in her tracks - for a few minutes at least!

Libraryloiterer · 22/06/2023 22:22

Punf · 22/06/2023 22:13

I do this. I have anxiety and ADHD.

I guess in the moment it feels like I'm showing you I relate and I find it hard to do the sympathetic ear thing, even though I do care very much I find it hard showing emotion outwardly and fell like. I'm 'acting'. So I try and show that I've been in a similar situation.

From here and other places I've learned it s problematic and I'm trying to do it less but I have a real hard time with social conversation and in the moment and panic of the situation I can't think of anything else to say apart from trying to relate my own experiences.

Lots of people do it to be fair, the fact you have the self awareness to at least try a different approach is really positive.

Rather than trying to force a display of emotion, or turning it back to yourself a better way to relate might be to have a few stock questions up your sleeve (ideally open questions to keep the conversation going) "how did that feel?", "tell me more about.." etc. I would feel really heard if my friends asked those types of questions.

Unfortunately I have and have had a few friends like OP's and they were beyond help. One I'm now estranged from and the other I'm slowly trying to distance myself from as they are such unfulfilling relationships.

IncognitoMam · 22/06/2023 22:22

I have a friend like this. I go a bit quiet then say "and as I was saying"...and I carry on my conversation.
But I just don't have as much to do with her now. I go to gigs etc but wouldn't sit ages having a conversation.

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