Badly brought up?

[Summereveningssummermornings]

There was a conversation at work and a colleague I'll call her Hannah, was telling us that she has to go to her mums for dinner. Hannah was saying how she will have to have a certain food, let's say spaghetti Bolognese. Her mum always makes this spaghetti Bolognese and she really dislikes it. She was quite cutting about how much she hates always having to eat this meal she has to force it down.

I responded by saying that she could ask her mum to make something different and just be honest and say that she's not keen on the meal.

Hannah looked horrified and said that she couldn't say that it would be really rude and hurt her mums feelings. I just said that I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to keep forcing yourself to eat something you dislike.

The other colleague then said to me how I've been brought up like that but Hannah hasn't. She i implied that Hannah has been raised to have manners and I don't.

I don't think I have bad manners in this scenario but I'm now doubting.

I think it’s much worse that Hannah is slagging off her mum to her colleagues tbh

I Know what my kids like and dislike - the eldest hates Spag bol, the younger wouldn’t eat cheese - I wouldn’t force it down them anymore than I would a friend.

Id much rather they were honest and just speak up - I didn’t raise wallflowers

So Hannah who is speaking so badly about her mum is the one who has manners?

Ffa, really? You not overthinking at all? Just because someone says two people were brought up differently, it doesn't mean they're implying you were brought up wrongly or badly, just that you were brought up differently

“The other colleague then said to me how I've been brought up like that but Hannah hasn't.

She i implied that Hannah has been raised to have manners and I don't.”

You have taken an implied meaning but you could be wrong.

What if Hannah was raised to put her feelings and tastes secondary to those of her parents? Meaning Hannah had to force down food she dislikes regularly because her feelings / tastes don’t matter?

Can you imagine such formality and politeness with your own mother? She came out of her vagina for Christ's sake!
How awful that her own daughter has been raised to not feel comfortable enough to let her own mum know something as simple and non-offensive as the fact that she doesn't like Spaghetti bolognese.

I find this with middle class people (I’m WC) - they would set themselves on fire rather than seem ‘impolite’ - I’m more of a ‘life’s too short to put up with shit’ sort of person. I think honesty and integrity is more important than fake politeness but I do recognise that charm does oil wheels in certain circumstances. But I truly believe you can be truthful and do it kindly.

Yanbu op - it’s just a difference of perspective. You did nothing wrong - she should tell her mother. But she won’t. So she’s the idiot who ends up suffering food she hates. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hannah was brought up to be a doormat and is probably too scared of the fall out to say anything. You were brought up to have healthy boundaries and to feel confident that you could express issues to your parents.
I know which I think was the better upbringing (clue: Not Hannah's).

I can't remember the exact words but it was definitely along the lines of Hannah having manners and me not being polite to say such a thing to my mother.

I would say the issue in their relationship is that she can’t be honest with her mum and tell her how she actually feels. I don’t have a perfect relationship with my mum but id certainly ask her for something else in that scenario

If you were that offended, you'd remember exactly what was said. I think you've taken it all out of context, blown it out of proportion and even if, say, she did say it like that, surely she was only joking

Well plenty of people have bizarre relationships with their parents. I can't imagine a set up where you just wouldn't think twice about saying "Mum, can we have something else tomorrow ?" To me it seems a simple conversation and you'd both just come up with some suggestions. Clearly though in some families this would be seen as offensive, confrontational, aggressive or just downright rude. Some people seem to exist just to take offence at everything that's ever said to them.

A lot of us (me included) weren't raised to have a high level of social quickness.

It would never occur to them to, say, use a white lie ("Since I had an awful virus some things taste really odd to me now, could we have otherthing instead of Spag Bol tomorrow please Mum?") or shameless flattery ("Those cutlets you did were fabulous and I've been thinking about them, could you do that tomorrow PLLEEEEEZZ").

It's even harder to phrase things carefully enough to explain that while you can see objectively her Spag Bol is great, you don't love it as much as it deserves.

It's tricky!