Was colleague rude/insensitive?

[tiredmama23]

I may be feeling a little emotionally fragile here because I've been through something very stressful this past week. Long story short, I had some time off last minute at the start of the week due to my husband being really quite unwell - he was hospitalised suddenly and needed to have essentially life saving treatment. He was in bad shape at one point over the weekend and I genuinely wasn't sure if he would make it. Thankfully he is recovering slowly and is far better than he was now. The prognosis is good and he is in a better place now. I went back to work this morning.

Most people were lovely in the office and instantly asked after my husband, and how I was doing etc. A particularly lovely colleague gave me a hug and said she had been thinking of me, etc.

Another colleague who came in a bit later - in fact the one who I called originally when he got rushed to hospital on Friday - came over to me to ask a work related question, instantly. There was no "hello, how are you? How's DH?", just a work related question instantly. It threw me, I just answered that I needed a second to think as I've only just come back this morning. It was the insensitivity of it, she knew full well the situation my husband had been in and how stressful it has been for me since she took my call on the Friday.

AIBU that this was insensitive of her? Or is this my issue and am I overly sensitive? I can't work out which one it is, but given everyone else's asked how my husband was doing, I just noticed the stark contrast in this colleague's approach to me.

Maybe she thought you'd welcome the distraction?

Some people who go to work during hard times like this prefer to concentrate on work to take their mind off it and not think about the other things going on in their life.

If she's like that she may have assumed that you are also like that and then thought that she was actually sensitive and doing the best thing for you by not asking you about something that might be distressing

I wouldn't say she was rude necessarily. You're both at work, I take it you're not mates. Some people like a clear demarcation, work/not work. And are you even interested in what she might say, generic nicities?

We are not mates, no. Just colleagues.

I'm not sure about keeping home and work life separate to be honest. She is getting married this year and has had some stress related to that etc, she made sure we were all aware of this in the office and told us all the story. We were all very supportive. I just cannot imagine knowing a colleague has gone through something as huge as their husband being seriously unwell and hospitalised, and not even asking them about it when they come back to work. I just wouldn't. Maybe I'm just different in my approach.

Sorry to hear that OP, glad he is on the mend.
I wouldn't say colleague was rude really. Maybe she/he felt it wasn't their place to ask not being a friend. Might have thought it would come across as nosy if you don't usually chat.

Collegue may have forgotten or just perhaps thought that you wouldn't want to talk about your personal life at work. I wouldn't give it any more thought than that.

Bizarre though it sounds, I think that I might inadvertently do something like this. I am terrible at keeping track of what’s going on in other people’s lives, and even my own, especially if I’m stressed myself. If she came in late and was flustered, it might honestly have slipped her mind. I sometimes feel terrible when I’ve done something hugely socially inappropriate because I’ve forgotten some important event that’s happened to them, but it still happens. How did she react when you responded as you did?

I’m afraid I’m like your colleague.
It’s not that I don’t care, I’m just incredibly awkward in knowing what to say.
I work hard to try to be sensitive, but I would not be surprised if people have thought the same about be in the past.
That being said, she may also be completely self centred!

YABU

It's a work place, it's not about people's private life.

Maybe she forgot, maybe she didn't want to assume you wanted to be put on the spot about your private life, maybe she is dealing with a lot and hasn't got the energy to deal with other people's life.

Some people will find it completely inappropriate to be asked about their husband health at work, she's not rude. At worst, she's careful, and rightly so.

How does everyone in the office know? I would be more annoyed that people had been gossiping about my personal life.

Some people are just shit at this - often because they've never been through something similar and have no idea how to handle it.

A colleague's dad died suddenly, we'd all worked together for years, we all knew how close he was to his dad, everyone was gutted for him. But when he came back so many people didn't want to intrude, or say the wrong thing to distress him. It was so awkward. He was clearly grateful to those of us who did acknowledge it (most of whom had been through something similar).

They were all there when I got the call that he had been rushed to hospital (apart from colleague who the thread is about). I burst into tears as I was in a state of total shock and they all supported me. I called the other colleague on my way to the hospital because she is the person who needed to know I was leaving suddenly (she's the person we report absences to).

Maybe she thought as she'd come in a bit later you would already have been asked loads

You are being oversensitive im afraid OP. Not everyone likes gushing over people at work, I’d hate everyone asking if it was me, especially after the initial start to the day. She probably thought you’d want to crack on and be distracted from home life.

If she had witnessed all the questions/answers and well wishes etc she may have thought that changing the subject was kinder to you than keep going over it? That her input wouldn't really be that important to you (especially if you're not particularly close) and that you had already been through it a few times?

Or she just felt plain awkward having been the person you spoke to when it was at it's worst and likely and totally understandably upset and didn't know what to say.

As someone who's just had some bad news and that has affected work, I would actually prefer this approach to the constant troop of people saying the same thing and hearing the same answer. But that's just me personally.

I think you’re being a little sensitive but that it is totally understandable that you feel that way. You are probably feeling quite vulnerable after what you and your poor DH have been through. Try not to let it get to you if you can help it - I’m sure she didn’t mean any malice

YABU. Some people find talking about things like that awkward and uncomfortable, and she may be worried about making you upset by mentioning it.

I wouldn’t mention something so personal because I would be worried about upsetting you by reminding you of it.

You may not have wanted to a deer the same questions 30 times that morning. Or welcome the distraction. She may have had a tough morning herself, and it slipped her mind.
i am sorry you had to go through that, and I hope your husband is better, but in the nicest possible way… you are at work and everyone got their own stuff on, so I would just move on