AIBU to expect husband to put his tax refund into joint account?

[Scarlet5]

My family (husband, myself and two kids) have moved to a new city last October. For the first six months, I was the only one working, whilst my husband was staying at home overlooking home improvements, helping kids settle and looking for a job in a meantime. I worked hard all winter, traveling 150 miles round trips daily, 4 to 5 days a week, and working 13 hours shifts. My husband now has a job, but it's not a well paid job, he barely earns enough to cover our monthly mortgage payment.

I have asked him to look for a better paid job (he is qualified and experienced enough to be able to get one), but he is not interested, as that would mean more stress and more responsibilities (in his words). I, on the other hand, work in a highly stressful job, travel miles each day, work shifts, long days and nights, to be able to cover the mortgage and ever rising bills. I am currently an agency worker as this pays a higher rate for my profession, but would like to get a permanent job and settle in our new city.

My husband has recently received a refund from the tax office on overpaid tax, due to him not working for 6 months of the previous financial year. We have bough an old house, and urgently need to replace all the radiators and some of the double glazing window glass pannels, which will cost us over 2.5K. Only a day before my husband found out about his tax return, I have paid a deposit for the required work on my credit card. I have asked my husband to pay for the rest of the work with the tax return money, but he got really grumpy and said that it was his money that he will keep in his account and I have no claim to it. His reasoning is that he has put a deposit down on a house (his inheritance from his late Mum), and I have so far contributed minimally financially, so it is my responsibility to pay for the work!

I feel so deflated and disrespected, and unappreciated! AIBU to expect him to pay for some of the work, especially since the tax money he got back was due to him not working all winter, whilst I was killing myself and working 60 hours weeks??? We are married and should be working toward the common goal, yet he seems to want a comfortable life for himself, at my expense. Just to add, I also run the household, I'm a default parent to our two kids, do most of the household chores and work 40+ hours per week.

Apologies for rumbling, I had zero sleep last night worrying and pondering over things.

Thank you for reading and for your responses x

oh god really? Another one of these? He's not a partner. This is a not a partnership. Presumably you do earn well for 40+ hours a week and a job that's worth a 150 mile commute, so why not go your separate ways. he doesn't parent, run the house and wants to operate as a single man. I'd let him.

He’s a selfish twat. Of course he should have put it in the kitty.

This is no partnership, run now before it's too late.

What is this other house that he has paid a deposit on. Is this an investment? What does he want to use his tax return for? Is it a joint financial goal? Maybe he has different priorities. Are you in debt (apart from mortgage)?

Well, you’re not a team, are you?

Tell him you want to quit the agency work and get something lower stress.

Why are you the default parent doing most of the housework if he was off work for 6 months to oversee household and parenting matters?

Hoe much personal spending money do you each have each month?

Oh OP, you’ve not contributed to the Reno works, how tight fisted of you. Agree to pay for the work, but explain to do so you’ll have to start paying bills 50-50 so your both contributing the same. Check. Mate.

This. All of this.

Don't settle. You're the default parent. You're the breadwinner. You're the whole package.

We are married and should be working toward the common goal, yet he seems to want a comfortable life for himself, at my expense.

Is it a common goal, or is it your goal? Has he bought into it? Why did you move to a new city?

This is not going to go well.
I agree he has decided to get a low paid, low stress job & expects you to pay for everything. I'd tell him you are taking 6 months off & will paint skirting boards.. See what he says

I would be fuming. Everything goes into 1 pot here. Dh just got a bonus at work - it's gone into our savings. If he wanted to buy something special with some of it then of course that would be fine but otherwise its family money. BTW I paid the deposit on our first house - doesn't mean he owes me for the rest of his life!

How have you contributed minimally financially if you were the only one bringing money in for six months and remain the higher earner?

Money from an inheritance is a stroke of luck (often in sad circumstances) not a reason to stop pulling your weight in a relationship.

You need to sit down and make a plan together that takes both of your needs into account.

If you're not able to do this, then it's not a partnership you're in.

I don’t think the issue is the tax return- as far as that I think everyone should keep their own- but there’s a bigger picture where he’s not on the same team and you’re resentful.
So he thinks his inheritance buys him out of having to help/ contribute?

So, you're the default parent, the main breadwinner, AND paying for all of the repairs on the house and outturn yourself in debt to do so?

What does he actually do, again?

Putting, not outturn 🙄

I'm on the fence here. Just because you earn high doesn't mean he needs to. If this was a man saying a woman needs to earn like her I think people would respond differently. He has already put presumably a lot of money onto a house as the deposit, so I see his point there. If this was my DH with a tax refund I'd be encouraging him to spend it on something for himself as its bonus money he didn't know about. But in fairness to my DH I know he would insist on spending it on what's needed in the house, just like I would too. But I wouldn't begrudge someone wanting to keep it aside for something else given that he's put a lot of money in from inheritance.

My earning potential is larger than that of my DH. He earns more as I work less hours due to disability and as part of this I do more of the home stuff too.

There has to be balance. Her DH doesn’t have to earn more but he should be putting more in at home and putting his money in the shared pot for the family as OP does.

So another pointless, selfish man then? You’re the breadwinner, house keeping, childcare and bank. Tell him if that’s how he wants things, everything is 50/50 from now on.

If OP was a man bringing in most of the money, traveling that far AND doing all the cleaning and childcare, people would think he was a fucking god.

I'm not talking about the cleaning, I'm talking about the tax refund which is what this post was about.

And I’m responding to your irrelevant “if this was the other way around” nonsense (which is also not what the post was about).

I got a tax refund yesterday, it was £60! I still put it in the joint account, but only on the understanding that we did something fun with it and didn't spend it on petrol or similar.

He should have put it in the pot.

I would look very carefully at what you are contributing to the overall ppt and what he is doing. In terms of divorce if his inheritance is being kept specifically OUT of the family pot it will likely be kept out of any divorce asset split. Whereas every penny you put into joint asset renovations will be considered 'family money' so he is getting both the joint asset and his own, and working low income low stress while you do it all.

I would tell him he needs to start contributing equally to the joint asset/General costs and if this means he cannot afford his vanity project and working low wage then that's his problem but that you will no longer prop him up. If he won't agree then get to the solicitors before he gets embedded in this cocklodging tripe!

Get a spreadsheet and get organised. That will tell you if he's being ridiculous. Your heart will tell you if he's in this partnership or not.

I too would come home and announce I had quit.
then I would clarify. The marriage, I was quitting the marriage.