I think my loneliness has physically deteriorated my brain.

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

Is that possible?

Very shortly background.
I’m almost 40, never dated, never been lived, been in a relationship, nothing.
Not by choice, I’m just not what anyone wants.

Not only do I feel horrible about this, but I really think it has altered my brain function, made me numb or something.

I don’t know how to explain, to be clear: I do not wish anything bad for anyone!
But when I see couples, here or read about dating, relationships, kids… I just feel, I don’t even know what and it changes often, but maybe repulsion, not really anger - but something milder, I donmt care and don’t want to hear about it, I’ve started to avoid people so I don’t have to deal with it/them.
I don’t believe in live anymore, I think it’s mostly about people using each other…..

I don’t really know why I’m writing this even, I doubt anyone can relate, I guess I just wanted to get this out, not like I could ever say this to anyone.
All I know I wasn’t always like this. I actually was very naive when younger, believe it or not.

I am so sorry you feel this way. Yes, it may have affected your brain but not necessarily permanently. Brains are very flexible and adaptable.

Have you ever had therapy to challenge the "I'm not what anyone wants" belief? I know someone who believed this, had zero experience romantically, then had extensive therapy, fell in love, (reciprocated) and when that didn't work out long term, has gone on to have a few shorter term relationships very happily. Their confidence is transformed, as is their happiness. Is this something you could consider?

It sounds like you’re feeling low at the moment. I hope you do some good things for yourself. Make sure you get enough nutrition and exercise.

Social isolation can affect how a person thinks. I read somewhere once that the more isolated we get, the less we feel like mixing with others and that this may be an evolutionary response. I don’t quite understand it.

I recommend getting a check up at the doctor and explaining how you feel. Even if you have to wait six weeks for an appointment, it could help. The doctor may be able to suggest some activities that you haven’t thought of.

Oh dear I feel bad for u but I'm sure u are loveable

Are you avoiding anything else that you used to enjoy? You may benefit from talking therapy for low mood. Have a look at iapt services near you. I can't recommend it highly enough.
💐

Sending you love op. Do you have friends, someone you could talk to in real life? I have felt like this before, deathly lonely, and it’s truly awful. I had a period during my late 20s where I never thought I’d find anyone to share my life with. And then he came along. Sometimes these things happen when you least expect it.

But you do need to start valuing yourself. Everyone is worthy of someone else’s love, everyone has something special to offer, and is innately loveable. I think you may be depressed which is making you feel this way. Try to do things that get you out and about and lift your mood - a walk or a drink with a friend or colleague, a new hobby, an exercise class (this really helps my brain drain and low feelings, probably saved me from years of meds). You need to learn to love yourself first, before asking someone else to do the same.

Wishing you happiness op.

Do you identify as neurodivergent/autistic? Might be worth thinking about because a lot of people find that once they understand themselves and realise there are lots of people similar to them, they find their "tribe" and aren't so lonely and self critical any more. You haven't damaged your brain but it may be that your brain works differently to some other people, and that you feel traumatised by being invalidated for so long

People may not suit you but what about a pet?

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. There was a time in my life when I loved being around people but trauma and bullying have made me become very inward and withdrawn, I have ADHD and my brain works differently to other people. It could be similar for you but please know that nothing is permanent. Did you perhaps go through something like trauma or bullying in your life? Sometimes that can have a deep impact

Have you tried counselling? What you’re describing could be your way of closing yourself off to any more feelings that hurt you.. like a defence mechanism. Counselling my help you.
I'm so sorry you feel like this about yourself.

You're definitely not abnormal for having this feeling, but it's definitely a sign of depression. I also think lockdowns changed the way lonely/isolated people see the world massively.

I'm so sorry OP. Loneliness is awful & it can make you feel low/numb. I think you should make an appointment with your GP and/or a social prescriber. It's hard to take that first step but it's worth it. I got a dog & found friends through dog walking and an evening class. I hope you are OK xxx

Any situation in life can alter your thoughts and perspective but as a previous poster said, the brain is very adaptable.

Being alone for a long time will make your perspective more insular. But the main issue is this thought you have that you aren't what anyone wants. The human brain thrives on proving it's own theories. If that is what you believe then your behaviours and actions will act in ways that ultimately support that theory. You will have confirmation bias to anything that even merely hints at the theory being correct.

It takes courage and strength to hear that voice and then act against it. But it is possible and it is necessary. Do consider speaking to a counsellor. You don't seem happy with aspects of your life currently, but this is not how it always has to be or how it always will be.

Not read the whole thread (and this is my first post on mumsnet!) but I actually read a recent study which said that depression can shrink the hippocampus (I think it was) and actually make you duller. Not usually permanent but I think it had the potential to be.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with the way your life is now. I do think feeling lonely and isolated can have an effect on the way your brain functions. It sounds like you are under a silent consistent and toxic stress which can result in a sort of dissociative or numb state.

I do believe in love but yes I’d also say that a lot of people if not the majority are more about using the other person. you say you haven’t been loved romantically but sadly many people in relationships haven’t either.

Is it that the men you are attracting aren’t what you’d like or have you never been approached /asked out by a guy? I do believe there’s someone for everyone or at least most people.

I relate to some extent having been single for most of my life. I go out on dates sometimes but not found what I’m looking for yet! I have a friends milestone birthday celebration coming up in 2 weeks and I’m already worrying about turning up single yet again! A Lot of couples/families with kids tend to gravitate towards other couples/families with kids as well in these sorts of situations so I’m hoping I won’t be hanging about myself lol I am grateful for a lot in life but I do agree it’s not always easy being long term single.

Society is set up for couples /families with kids and you’re made to feel a bit weird if you don’t have that.

Thank you for all the comments.

Have you ever had therapy to challenge the "I'm not what anyone wants" belief?
I had some theraphy couple of years ago, it wasn’t really helpful, I don’t think she really listened/understood.

I just have to correct here and say it’s not ’a belief’. It’s just a fact.
I’m not what people look for.

This was something my therapist kept insisting, that I don’t know, just get out there, meet people. It just made me frustrated to not be heard. And paying for that!

But your therapist was right to challenge you on it. That is what you paid them for. You absolutely have the right to be heard. But your therapist's job is to say: I hear that you are desperately lonely, that you have never had a relationship and that this unusual circumstance has led you to a firm belief that no one can ever want you. That belief is picked up by others and they reject you or pass you over because of it, so for now, you are right. It is a fact. ButI'm here to work with you to explore the possibility that it may not be a permanent fact. If you build a sandcastle, it is a fact that it is a sandcastle but that doesn't mean it will always be a sandcastle. When the tide comes it changes shape. And you can create a sea-change in your own life too. If you are committed to doing so and want and choose to.

Because that is just a belief. It's only a fact if you have asked every single person in the world if they would date you and they have all said no. I don't want to out the person I know who totally believed the same. With all their heart. They have two very prominent physical disabilities which make them conventionally unattractive to the opposite sex. They had some extremely cruel knockbacks when they were young and vulnerable which made them feel as you do. Therapy made them confident and confidence is attractive. They told me recently that they have been on a number of OLD and every single date wanted to see them again. Three of these turned into romances.

But that couldn't have happened while they were still carrying the energy: no one wants me. They needed to shift that energy from: 'I am unlovable, there is something fundamentally wrong with me that makes no one want me' to 'I am a kind, interesting, loving, funny person who has a passion for life and you'll have fun if you hang out with me.'

Honestly, whether or not you believe this is a fact, you can develop self-appreciation, self-acceptance, love and care. You can build up your life so it fascinates you, so you enjoy it hugely and get your zest back. That is a massively attractive quality and you might start to rethink your belief. Only if you want to. i'm not saying you should. If you want to believe that your unlovability is a fact that is permanent, you have that right. But I don't think it is making you happy. And I know it is only true for as long as you continue to decide it's true. It's a fact right now but there could be a different fact about your loveablility tomorrow.

Early dementia has been connected to people that have little or no communication.

Apparently the act of speaking to another person stimulates parts of the brain and if you stop then those parts of the brain may deteriorate over time.

Speak out aloud as often as you can when you're at awhile and in the garden.

Talking to yourself or even replying to yourself as if it's a pet or inanimate object talking back to you is hugely beneficial in keeping your brain active.

Puzzles such as Sudoku and Suguru as well as the obvious word searches and crossword a are hugely beneficial.

Learn new things or relearn things you have forgotten. A simple one is a tree identifier book. Pocket sized they are easy to carry around and you can make it a goal to identity and remember the names of the most common trees of which there are many.

Or learn the flags of the world.

You knew to get the brain cells used and having a mine work out is as essential as keeping your body active and fit.

How do you spend your time otherwise? Your work or hobbies. Do you feel fulfilled in that area?

Yes and yes.
Not really feeling fulfilled, I workout like a maniac, clears my head a bit. And I live a super healthy life.
But it all just seems totally pointless, because at the end of the day - I’m alone.
Like what is my purpose even here? Just to watch other people move on / get what I want?
Feels like torture.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I felt really lonely when I lived by myself in London, I’d go days without seeing anyone. I think it was the worse experience of my life and I have had some bad things happen to me health wise. But like a poster said above, nothing lasts forever. I now live in the suburbs in the midlands near to where I grew up and live in a cul de sac with lots of lovely people. I work in a job with a nice team. I go to exercise classes and do cross stitch when by myself and read books and get involved in stuff in my community. All these things help me to meet people, get energy from them and has the potential to meet new partners too. We have walking groups around her and volunteering roles, just be brave and go for it. Sending love xx

It’s a defence mechanism your brain has created. You don’t need a relationship to not be lonely. There’s lots of other things you can do but I would definitely try and get some social interaction as much as possible x

Completely understandable

It is shown to be a factor in some conditions as @EllaRaines says

I’m sorry though you are dealing with it, it sounds really tough