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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The wait to try for a baby

29 replies

DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:07

I'm feeling quite down and stressed out today. Had a great job with great maternity pay, but was made redundant just as I was about to start trying for a baby. Decided against it as wouldn't be able to afford it, and now have moved to a different organisation where I have to have had 2 years service by my qualifying week to get full maternity pay. Applied for lots of other jobs with better ts and cs. This was the one I got. It's essentially put my trying for a child back by 3 years. Absolutely gutted. I can get pregnant in July 2024 to qualify for full maternity pay. How do I fill this year without going crazy? I know I'm lucky to be in a position to even get maternity pay but it has been a bit heartbreaking. Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Bixs · 21/06/2023 18:08

How old are you?

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:08

Bixs · 21/06/2023 18:08

How old are you?

33

OP posts:
flipflopfloop · 21/06/2023 18:08

Well the options are

  1. Change jobs. Most councils you’re entitled to OMP if you get pregnant 3 weeks after being in the role

  2. Rough it out

  3. Get pregnant anyway and accept it will be SMP.

flipflopfloop · 21/06/2023 18:09

I really wouldn’t wait a year at 33 by the way. Especially if you want more than one child.

Summerishereagain · 21/06/2023 18:10

At 33 I wouldn’t wait. Do you have any redundancy pay left?

Bobshhh · 21/06/2023 18:11

Having been someone who waited until I was 34 to try and now who seemingly can’t have a successful pregnancy judging by the speed they decided they don’t want to stick around, I’d recommend not
waiting

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:14

I will be a lone parent by choice. It'll be impossible. On full maternity pay I will be comfortable (100% the first 6 months, 50% the next 3 months, SMP the last 3 months), compared with 90% for 6 weeks and the rest on SMP.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 18:15

Could you use shared parental leave to have more income, if your partner would get enhanced pay? I work at a university and we get 6 months paid maternity from day 1

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:15

Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 18:15

Could you use shared parental leave to have more income, if your partner would get enhanced pay? I work at a university and we get 6 months paid maternity from day 1

I don't have a partner.

OP posts:
KinderCat · 21/06/2023 18:17

OP this is really hard I get people saying just try but financially it can be impossible. If you can wait, wait but accept it may well be harder. Only you know financially if there is any possibility of making it work. I know for my partner and I expecting our first it is going to be tight on just SMP towards the end of mine (tbf fairly average policy) and it is making me worry. And I say this as someone pregnant for the first time at 33 with 7 years of TTC behind them who was desperate to be a family.

Good luck with whatever you do

ErmentrudeTheCow · 21/06/2023 18:17

At 33 I wouldn't wait, just go for it and accept you"ll have to return to work earlier if you don't manage to get another job with maternity pay entitlement sooner.
Im sure you would much rather have your precious baby and have to come back to work early than delay and potentially face fertility issues

flipflopfloop · 21/06/2023 18:17

DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:14

I will be a lone parent by choice. It'll be impossible. On full maternity pay I will be comfortable (100% the first 6 months, 50% the next 3 months, SMP the last 3 months), compared with 90% for 6 weeks and the rest on SMP.

I would check it’s SMP for the last 3 months as usually it doesn’t cover months 9-12. Sorry to be rude but how come you’re a lone parent by choice?

ReachForTheMars · 21/06/2023 18:17

Learn how to sew or knit or get into home decor so you can fantasise about how when the time comes you'll be able to enjoy the build up of making little clothes or decorating nurseries. X

Leo227 · 21/06/2023 18:18

I'd wait, July next year will fly by really and the difference between 33 and 34 isn't going to do a whole lot (unless you've had tests which ehow you are already having issues)? the maternity pay you're going to get is way better than a lot of companies offer anyway.

ErmentrudeTheCow · 21/06/2023 18:20

DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:14

I will be a lone parent by choice. It'll be impossible. On full maternity pay I will be comfortable (100% the first 6 months, 50% the next 3 months, SMP the last 3 months), compared with 90% for 6 weeks and the rest on SMP.

Gosh 100% for 6 months is very generous

Leo227 · 21/06/2023 18:21

and in this next year id get super fit, lose any additional weight you want. eat really healthy and get all your vitamin levels right etc- so you're ready to go from July.
if you're SMBC have you already gone through the clinic for tests, chosen a donor etc? that all takes a while.

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:22

ErmentrudeTheCow · 21/06/2023 18:20

Gosh 100% for 6 months is very generous

Show quote history

It's amazing, which is why I really want to wait.

OP posts:
Creepyrosemary · 21/06/2023 18:22

Can you pay the nursery fees as a lone parent? It might be impossible but you can try to figure out if it might be possible with a shorter leave. In many countries mothers go back to work after 4 months, would that be something that you can work/ save towards?

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:22

Leo227 · 21/06/2023 18:21

and in this next year id get super fit, lose any additional weight you want. eat really healthy and get all your vitamin levels right etc- so you're ready to go from July.
if you're SMBC have you already gone through the clinic for tests, chosen a donor etc? that all takes a while.

Yes I went through it all previously and have just had to put everything on hold. Getting fit is a good idea as I do need to lose a stone!

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 18:23

Can I ask why you're going it alone? Is it because that's what you want or because you don't have a partner yet?

Either way, it doesn't sound like you have an option but to wait. If you're on your own and 100% reliant on your salary, you can't fall pregnant yet.

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:23

Creepyrosemary · 21/06/2023 18:22

Can you pay the nursery fees as a lone parent? It might be impossible but you can try to figure out if it might be possible with a shorter leave. In many countries mothers go back to work after 4 months, would that be something that you can work/ save towards?

Yes I've been doing it with my son for years so can definitely afford it.

OP posts:
BabyMomma2021 · 21/06/2023 18:23

I had to wait to try for a different reason so I understand how your are feeling somewhat. Whilst I understand others saying not to wait, having a baby is expensive as is living in general at the moment, so I think you do have the consider that. If looking for another job is a possibility then I would try that. You are in a job so earning money, and might then land something with better maternity benefits allowing to try sooner!
I found having a date to work towards helped me to mentally countdown! Xx

Original poster
DyslexiaNightmare · 21/06/2023 18:24

SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 18:23

Can I ask why you're going it alone? Is it because that's what you want or because you don't have a partner yet?

Either way, it doesn't sound like you have an option but to wait. If you're on your own and 100% reliant on your salary, you can't fall pregnant yet.

I don't want a partner. Haven't had one for years and am happy on my own. I know I can't fall pregnant now which is why I just needed some encouragement as it is getting to me a bit.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:35

Yes do get fit this year and build up your core, I wish I did before pregnancy I had such a bad back!! And still do! Get strong arms to help you carry your baby too. Do any diy or home decor you want to do and take some amazing holidays, if you can afford, or go to all the museums and theatre and concert and visit all the friends you can. And get dating! (If you want to!) who knows within a year (if you want to) you might even meet a special person to have a baby with!

For reassurance, get a fertility mot at a local clinic. You're very likely to still be fertile at 34. You can also freeze your eggs now if you haven't already or make your embryo now and freeze it (unless you were planning iui ). You'll be fine. Congratulations on your new job!

Tinkietot · 21/06/2023 18:35

Have you triple checked the policy? Ours is 1 year in role with 6 months full pay. So technically it includes the 9 months you’re pregnant. We then have to be in role 1 year when returning or have to pay it back. I know some people have bartered when kids are too close together and had a few months added to the returning number of months