AIBU to think DP should have waited?

[Marthadartha]

DC have different activities after school, but both in the same venue. These have always been at the same time but today DD (9) has moved up a stage and her class is at a later time. DP and I agreed that I would pick up DS however I was running late (due to health issue). DP often picks up DS if I am running late (and we have this agreed due to work/health) so this isn't a problem.

The issue is that I asked him to bring DS out to the car once DD had gone into her activity. He said it starts in five minutes and I said ok it'll take me that long to get there so I'll leave now. I get there and dp is out waiting with DS. He goes to chemist briefly and then back in and finds DD still waiting to go into activity, she's missed two thirds of it. She was waiting because she didn't know what to do- first class at new time and probably a new teacher.

So DP didn't wait for her to go in because he thought me coming now meant I wanted DS outside ready to be picked and not only that he didn't tell DD he was coming outside so she had no idea where he was. AIBU to think he should have waited for DD to go in even though I said I'm coming now?

It sounds like nothing more than a case of crossed wires

That’s all very confusing; sounds like a lot of miscommunication that could be avoided if you were on time tbh

YANBU. Did he think you were teleporting? Of course he should have seen to his daughter and ensured age was ok.

Sorry, gave up on trying to understand
I'm sure you'll get it sorted for next time.

I have no idea what I just read.

But you clearly want to blame your DP.

This is definitely miscommunication and/or fault on both parties. Don't play the blame game - learn from it. It's happened once no big deal

I am sad that DD was left and I am trying to understand why DP thought he couldn't wait for he to go in. I guess I need to ask him though, but they aren't back yet and I needed somewhere to vent, which is probably why my op doesn't make sense and why wires were crossed in the first place if what I'd said wasn't clear. Part of me thinks I've made him think he had to get DS out to me quickly but then part of me thinks he should have know not to leave her.

Why didn’t your daughter go in if she’d done it before when the other kids did instead of waiting around outside?

Well, in hindsight he should have either waited for her to go in or told her to go in by herself, but what is done is done.

It seems like a simple miscommunication/misunderstanding. No-one to "blame" as such.

I think she didn't go in because it was a different class time/teacher so she probably wouldn't have known where to go. There are several classes running at the same time. I guess she could have asked someone where she should go but she also probably didn't know whether it was her class starting at that time or if hers was later. Her Dad hadn't told her he was leaving and he would normally be with her for the start of the class, even when it was at the earlier time, so would have told her when to go in.

I think that you did make it sound that you didn't want to hang around and to have DS waiting. This isn't worth an argument, or accusation. Just reiterate that she needs taking in first. For the class to be two thirds over, it must have taken you a lot longer to get there. It's six of one, half dozen of another.

You both definitely have an opportunity to encourage DD to use her words and not stand and wait to be fetched.

I would have done as you expected him to do, but have you preciously had it out with him about not being ready on time?

I don't recall his timing being a problem for me. DD will talk to adults fairly readily- for example asking for the price of things in a shop or taking books out at the library. She is taken to many after school clubs too, so this isn't unfamiliar territory. I still wouldn't have left a building without telling her where I was going, and I suppose this is what I am blaming him for. Because even if I'd said I was coming now and he thought he had to bring DS out before DD went in, I think he should have told her where he was going. She still may not have got to her class on time if she didn't know what to do but she wouldn't have felt scared about where her Dad had gone.

It doesn't really matter does it?

Well it matters to me because DD was probably feeling sad and scared.

If you only wanted people to agree with you, why didn't you state that in your OP?

So stop playing the blame game and have a proper conversation about what will prevent it happening in future. Including making sure your on time so the lateness doesn’t impact the handover.

I suppose in the past when he's picked up DS it hasn't impacted DD because her activity is finished by the time DS finishes and I pick them all up. Yes there will be a conversation. What do you suggest would prevent it happening? Aside from me always being there to pick up DS because some weeks that can't happen so DP will need to get DS and there will need to be a handover.

Miscommunication. Silly of DP not to check she got in her new class safely but that’s all it was, thoughtless not deliberate. DD will survive… character building!

Well you already understand surely? You said your DP thought you'd want DS to be outside waiting when you arrived, and obviously he can't be in two places at once.
Tbh given you were ill I'd probably have done the same so you weren't waiting too long. I don't think it would have occurred to me DD wouldn't have just gone in when it was time.