To wonder if this is common in teenage boys

[Puddingypops]

My son is nearly 15 at which point I basically let him watch whatever he likes, within reason, with me. I’m not talking about gore horror. But Tarantino movies, breaking bad, game of thrones etc etc

hes a little softie so no risk of becoming violent (the very idea is hilarious he is a ballet dancer) but wants to be an actor and adores great acting and story telling.

but of course a lot of these films and series contain fair amount, sometimes a lot, of violence and it doesn’t bother him.

only twice have I seen him look away (I always give him an option and warning when those kinds of scenes come up).

Last night was the third time and I realised what it was…. We were watching inglorious bastards which has loads of violence and he was enjoying it all up until a women got strangled to death, before this scene there was loads worse violence, but he looked away saying omg omg

then it dawned on me that every other scene he has turned away from were also acts of violence against women, I asked him and he said he didnt actively realise it was that but yes when he thinks about violence towards women or scenes of violence against women it gives him strange feelings in his legs and makes me feel emotional.

it made me wonder, is that a usual thing in boys, an innate caveman urge to protect women? Or just a personal thing? What do you think?

If he enjoys 'great story telling' whys he watching tarantino

I dunno Sigmama, it's easier said than done. My brother once piled in (as a passer-by) to help a policeman who was getting set upon late at night. My brother got stabbed and spent two weeks in hospital.

I think we need to really think about whether we do or do not value young men's capacity for anger and the use of physical force. Asking them to maintain those capacities but only use them in specific circumstances - and to take on the very real risks of getting beaten up or worse, plus the odium of people who think they're acting like macho thugs - is extremely unfair.

I increasingly think people posting on threads about teenage boys ought to have to declare whether they have first hand experience of bringing one up! (Not aimed at you Sigmama, just in general.)

Don't forget the need to add her son is a softie, so he's at no risk of becoming violent. What a dick.

I wish all young men did have a natural aversion to violence against women. Sometimes it seems quite the opposite.

Don't forget the need to add her son is a softie, so he's at no risk of becoming violent. What a dick.

Seriously, are you OK hun? So much anger and nastiness.

🤣🤣

You didn’t want any thing of the sort. You wanted everyone to congratulate you on how wonderful your son is.

nice flounce though, 10/10!

This is really interesting, I'm presuming he was warned of the strangulation scene, given that you'd noticed he turned away at other male on female violence, it tracks that you'd warn him. Yet that means he chose to look away at the male on male violence in the baseball bat scene but then actively chose to watch the male on female strangulation scene.

No it's learned behaviour. What you call a caveman instinct would only extend as far as protecting women that 'belonged' to the man from other men. It's not an attitude of care or sensitivity but of possession. I'd say your DS is having a response to a smaller, helpless and presumably innocent being being hurt. Same as the reaction if it were a kitten or child. We are all taught, regardless of our sex, that we shouldn't harm smaller weaker beings. I'd imagine he's taken this on board.

I understand your point OP - there is a difference in how we react to male v male violence as opposed to male v female violence.

You will always get a mixture of replies on MN and you definitely need to wear a hard hat before posting on aibu. Not that MN doesn't love a good pile on but this isn't one. At least not so far.

It's an interesting question that you are asking though so even at the risk of being called a cunt if I disagree with you (if you are coming back) I'm going to post my thoughts:

I think all humans have a nurturing instinct to protect anyone they perceive as vulnerable (probably to help your species to survive by protecting young ones). When I think about how much violence we are physically capable of it surprises me that in most situations we are actually quite peacefulhor violence and actively promotet That peace. Evolution wise it makes sense.

i think this nurturing instinct to an extent has to fight an instinct to preserve and promote the self above everything else but it looks like in most cases most of us find a good balance and society has evolved to favour less violence.

I think this is the default. I think for people to be violent it takes a particular set of circumstances to override our general nurturing instinct. I also think we are all capable of being violent in the "right circumstances" but maybe our threshold to circumstances differ and also what circumstances in particular trigger us.

Pacificstate, it doesnt have to be about the use of male anger and physical force, it can be about the calm, strong presence that protects the more vulnerable, and yes I am speaking from experience of raising sons

The film sounds fucking awful

Well said OP.
Males are viewed as the enemy on here, whatever.

Fair enough @Sigmama. I do like the kind of man who can be quietly authoritative and calm - it's very attractive. But it does rest on the common understanding that that man could, if he chose to, punch someone. That's where the authority comes from, fundamentally. It's why other, angrier men listen to him.

And I do think we ask young men to both maintain that capacity and not maintain it, and manage it as skilfully as a 40yo man might. And then we call them little shits when they get it wrong.

But how often would that 'getting it wrong' scenario happen? Not much

He's not ready to watch such films if he is reacting like that. I dont think he's too young, but maybe too immature in dome ways.

I'm not a huge fan of encouraging male protective intervention (other than as a last resort) but possibly for different reasons. I don't think my sons have been harmed by messaging. They know if the cap doesn't fit they don't need to wear it. They also know first hand (as do yours) how badly men behave or they'd not be preoccupied with women's safety, there'd be no need.
The reason I'm uncomfortable with the push for good men to physically intervene as a solution is that its just papering over the cracks and encouraging women's reliance on men's goodwill.
I don't want my DDs safety at gigs to depend on the off chance your lovely sons or mine are around to step in. I want her safety guaranteed through legislation and policing.
I tell my sons that if they want to help its with their actions not their fists. Support and empower us. Use your privilege to help us be heard and one day we may be able to keep ourselves safe.

I have deliberately never watched it. And I was 15 in 1983, don’t think that film was out then! I’ve never enjoyed extreme violence in films.

He's 15, not 18 and findng them uncomfortable and difficult to watch.

this, absolutely

"hes a little softie so no risk of becoming violent (the very idea is hilarious he is a ballet dancer)"

What a marvellous mother you sound.

Good men intervening is showing bad men how to behave, possibly something they've lacked in their upbringing. I say if you have raised a good man, spread the good men vibes around!

Yes absolutely @5128gap I agree with all of that. The patrician-ness of my sons' attitudes does make me a bit uncomfortable. And yes you're right, they have seen some of their fellow males do some shitty things.

If he wants to be an actor, there are literally millions of non-gory, non-violent films or programmes your ds could watch.

I have a very low tolerance to watching violence in movies it mostly just makes me switch it off. The biggest difference for me though is the type of violence. I can watch dramatic superhero nonsense violence, or OTT stylised fighting or whatever, but show me something realistic, like someone getting strangled or beaten to a pulp and I can't stand it.