Sports and DCD DC

[freespirit333]

This is a WWYD rather than AIBU.

DS7 recently diagnosed with DCD (also suspected ADHD, not yet medicated).

DS does a lot of activities which help his behaviour overall and to keep him regulated. These include football and rugby (it’s still tag at his age).

At these sessions he never seems to put much effort in. I know he’s probably scared of missing a kick/catch, also possibly scared of getting hurt. He scored on the 7th centile for his motor and his ball skills are pretty bad.

He’s adamant he “loves” these sports though and doesn’t want to quit. I suspect he likes them for the social side as his friends go too.

WWYD? He’s never going to be star player, or even close, bless him, but it’s more about what looks to me the sheer lack of effort that make me really begrudge wasting money and time on these clubs, especially as both are popular and have waiting lists. I have chatted with him about trying his best, and he claims he is, but it really doesn’t look like that to me. I have seen him try his best at sports on occasion, for example running in sports day, so I do think he’s capable. Football in particular, he stands still a lot of the time, doesn’t even move!

I feel sure he would prefer other clubs like athletics for example, where there’s more variety and no ball coordination needed. But he doesn’t have the time to try anything new because amongst the other activities he does (swimming, Beavers), the football and rugby take up his free time.

You are soon going to get to the age where kids, their parents and coaches start taking it a whole lot more seriously and it aint always pretty. I wouold very strongly to advise you to keep well away from teamsports!

Exactly as previous poster said
team sports can get nasty as they get older and kids will resent someone who just stands there.
If he was trying his heart out then he deserves to be there no matter his ability but if he’s not then let someone else have the space and save the money
If he likes being around other kids and feeling he has friends then maybe see if there’s something else he can do where other kids are around but don’t rely on him eg athletics club, swimming etc or even something like Cubs, Lego club etc

Sorry… just seen he already does beavers and swimming. Martial arts is another possibility and so is horse riding or Boxing (I have an autistic child too)

Mine was originally believed to have dyspraxia but turned out to have hyper mobility and autism. Team sports went badly but individual sports, especially when she was still around other kids, were really successful
Badminton and tennis were good for her too and helped her muscles and coordination improve

Thanks, yes it’s the apparent lack of effort that I have to admit irritates me, rather than if he was just completely hopeless but gave it his all. He tries harder in rugby because there’s the tag element too and he’s quite fit so will run after them and try and tag etc. But football is sheer ball skills isn’t it, and he has none sadly.

He tried tennis a year ago, he was hopeless but also didn’t enjoy it so that was an easy one to quit. He did have friends there too but it wasn’t enough to keep him going which I was grateful for!

I don’t quite know how to tackle it. I’ve had a chat with him about both and said if we don’t see him trying harder, we’ll stop. But then I worry that it’s too harsh to really see it through if he claims he enjoys them, and has SEN. And is only 7.

So you'd rather he run pointlessly around the field and look like he's trying even if he's shit? And then you'll carry on paying?

Has it occurred to you that perhaps he's hoping his friends don't notice how crap he is?

Posted too soon

He's only 7, don't worry, everyone will realise how shit he is soon enough and he won't get onto any teams and his friends will fall away because he's so crap.

Perhaps you can support him with his self confidence for this small window where he's still having fun.

I don’t think your post is warranted @Clymene. Yes, if DS was trying his best, regardless of his skills, we would be happy to continue, as with any activity. Are you suggesting we should only continue if he tries his best AND is genuinely skilled? There’s plenty of children in his clubs who aren’t hugely skilled but are clearly trying, not standing still.

Yes it has occurred to me that he’s appearing lazy to mask that he has no confidence. Which is why we have emphasised and emphasised to him that it’s fine for him to quit the activities if he doesn’t want to do them.

I’m not going to engage with you further if you’re going to carry on being unpleasant.

@LittleMousewithcloggson he tried Karate but really wasn’t keen.

It’s his friends from school who go to rugby and football, so it’s genuinely a social part of his weekend.

Yep this - and even some solo activities are likely to be marked out to him very rapidly how shit he is. We got hounded out of a dance class because the other dance mums decided that they didn't want DD2 in the class anymore in case it took a second away from their own kids' teacher time in between pulling their leotards out of their arsecracks. Swimming has been a slog getting started with it - took us an incredibly long time to get out of the beginner non-swimmer class - not helped by the lockdowns just as she did that, but she's determined to get her strokes better now so she can move up groups.

DD2 can look to an outsider like she might not be "trying" - but she also has incredibly low muscle tone so everything she does requires so much more effort than for a typical child and she's actually giving it some absolute welly at her own level of "normal" - we've found team sports were not the greatest option, but she's got on really well with kickboxing of all things - she still struggles to maintain focus for an entire class - but DH holds pads for her to do the drills and she's generally really on it for 30 minutes of the class, then gets a bit drifty off for a while and then joins in with as much grumbling and moaning as everyone else does for the fitness element of it - she's got a fair way up the belts with them giving us some advice in the background about when they think she's got a fair shot at passing a grading and not putting her through them too fast - and it's been better than most stuff for her. The other thing she did well at in terms of enjoying it was a low-key dance class from a teacher who'd got off the whole exams and festivals bandwagon and was just teaching for the joy of it - but unfortunately covid was the end of that class running as the teacher retired.

With DD it's a combination of dyspraxia, low muscle tone, plus ADHD limiting her focus span.

I won't repeat what @CoffeeWithCheese's excellent post but looking like you're trying shouldn't be your criteria for continuing to support your child doing sport. Any engagement should be celebrated and encouraged.

In a couple of years, he may well not engage with anything at all. Don't make it hard for him now.

Yes it has occurred to me that he’s appearing lazy to mask that he has no confidence. Which is why we have emphasised and emphasised to him that it’s fine for him to quit the activities if he doesn’t want to do them.

But he does want to do them. He just doesn't want anyone to know how terrible he is at them. Can you not see that?

He's only 7

Even if he’s not interested in the sport (though agree with previous poster that he may well be but lacks confidence) and really goes for the social side, that’s still important. Social networks can be hard for ND kids and fitting in, having something he shares with his peers, is not a waste.

I have a DS who plays rugby and runs for an athletics club. In my experience, once they start full contact, many boys who aren’t natural rugby players tend to fall away, as they get hurt. Athletics also has a social side to it as whilst you run as an individual, you go to meets as part of a club and try to get maximum points for the club. There are also so many different events across sprints, middle distance, jumps and throws most people can find one they are decent at.

My friends ds who has ADD does climbing and loves it.

I would try and find something to replace football in the next few months.

What does the coach say? If the coach is kind (a rarity in youth football) then carry on for a bit. He'll lose confidence very quickly with one session with a tough coach.

2 DDs with dyspraxia here. ( I see your 7th centile and raise you 1st centile )

I agree with others that continuing with football is liable to lead to upset and despair.

I'd look at things like drama or ice skating, or climbing.

I’d say that there isn’t enough time to continue with both football and rugby, and then gently persuade your child that football is the one to drop. Ime rugby tends to be more inclusive at tag level, and then when you get to the age where you are allowed to tackle, the less keen / able ones always drop off.

I feel your pain, there’s nothing worse than standing on the sidelines of rugby practice in the freezing cold early on a Sunday morning whilst your child daydreams away instead of running / watching the ball / whatever. Yes I’m looking at you ds2!

Thanks all. Yes climbing and athletics I’d love him to try, he’s a decent runner despite probably not quite the right technique. I was hopeless at sports (possibly also have DCD to be honest!) and once I was in top secondary and running track was a thing, I was picked for 800m, 1500m etc. DS definitely has this in him. And the range of other things too, long jump, relay, the variety will keep his ADHD happy too!

And climbing, he has good upper body strength thanks to months of crawling and climbing before he walked, he can do monkey bars and would be good at going at his own pace, trying to reach the top.

The coaches are all nice, they’re inclusive clubs. But if I was a coach, I’d be frustrated with the lack of effort for sure.

@Fishlegs absolutely! I want him to spend his time doing something he loves. I just don’t feel he loves either. I certainly take PPs points about the social side as he doesn’t have loads of friends although he has a few close ones who’ve stood the test of time. I think he’s more likely to meet a new, like minded friend at a club he has passion for though.

@TeenDivided ah 1st centile! How have your DDs found childhood with DCD? Have they received any extra support with things like exams? I feel like I don’t know a huge amount about DCD compared with ADHD as that was always at the forefront so I’ve read everything I could on the latter. Hadn’t realised how much they overlap either!

And I was quite surprised at how low DS scored to be honest, I think because of the stereotypes I thought about like dressing, bike riding, Lego, he is good at all of these and actually rode a bike first time age 4, I wasn’t surprised at him having DCD but hadn’t expected him to score so low. But his ball skills are really nonexistent, he can’t cut his food, and to be honest the dressing aspect is probably because his clothes are fairly easy to throw on, he only has maximum two buttons on school polo shirts and has never had to wear a tie. We lace his football boots for him!

My autistic DD can not do team sports (she's not dyspraxia but does have hypermobility and some elements of dyspraxia) as she just can't track the ball and where everyone else is. Fortunately she hates them and doesn't want to. She choses to do swimming and gymnastics, which I'm happy with as the OT recommended them as the most helpful.

Mine are now adults. Some major differences.

Laces were a no for both until y10, and DD2 now 18 gets me to tie her work boots on college practical days as it takes ages for her to get them tight enough. Otherwise velcro or elastic laces are your friend.

DD1 typed some exams, DD2 never got on with typing. Both have extra time though for processing issues.

DD1 has issues with proproception, knowing where her limbs are. Used to walk into doorways a lot. Not very safe in the kitchen. DD2 struggles with going down stairs, but is safe in kitchen, and much less accident prone.

Both rubbish at sports (but we never practiced as no one cared) but competent swimmers. Both can ice skate. DD1 drives an automatic DD2 not yet learning.

DD had to miss his presentation with the football team last week as he wasn’t very well and we collected his little trophy and certificate today. The certificates are personalised and DS’ says “well done for growing in confidence this term and developing your passing and tackling skills”. It’s made me well up a bit! He has improved since this time last year because he used to just stand in a total daydream, now he does look like he’s paying attention most of the time, if unenthusiastically.

I'm going to slightly change my answer.

All the time he is enjoying football, whether for physical or social reasons, that is a 'good enough' reason to continue.

However I would also try to introduce some more individual activities that can then be continued with when football is dropped either when he realises he is poor compared with others, or the age group mean he is 'dropped' as he isn't good enough.