Is it normal to be so terrified of upsetting your parents?

[Tellyaddictsleepaddict]

For context.

Imagine your parents are babysitting and you find them doing something really dangerous with your toddler. Letting them climb up the cooker where there are hot pans. Would you be so scared of confronting them that you'd pretend you didn't notice?

What if you'd booked a holiday (non refundable), then your parents asked you to attend your cousins child's christening party ho you haven't seen for 20 years. Would you cancel your holiday so that you didn't upset your parents.

What if you were about to head out for the day with your dc. Your parents unexpectedly turn up. Do you tell them your sorry but you were on your way out, or drop everything, take off your coat and entertain them instead.

You're about to answer the door to your parents when your child suddenly hurts themselves. Do you leave the door for a minute to help your child or panic, leave the child and run to the door.

No it’s not normal. Are they controlling?

I’d be happy upsetting my parents in all those situations. However I haven’t always found it so easy and I know several people who struggle holding boudaries with parents. I don’t think it healthy, but I don’t think it’s massively unusual too.

Sounds like whoever that is has abusive parents. It's really hard to learn what normal is when they've been formed so perfectly around their needs from when they were an impressionable tiny baby. That baby will have learnt to take care of their own needs and those of their parents and this horrible relationship dynamic can often continue until there is no contact.

Therapy can work really well in this circumstance to help someone understand healthy boundaries.

Unless they want their children to grow up also unable to place boundaries in for themselves, some intervention would be useful.

All of those sound massively skewed priorities (though to be fair I'm on my third child I might just fling the door open and point them at the kettle whilst grabbing wipes or plasters or scooping up child, needs a bit more context)

You've given some pretty extreme examples but bar the safety of your child the answer for me is yes, though I'm aware why and that it is not how it could be.

My Mum has bipolar disorder and dad alcoholic/depressive. I was essentially produced and raised to be her emotional care giver. I grew up on egg shells around both of them it felt like the sky would fall in or the world end if she was upset. This gradually spread to my dad as well and later partners until I was a husk of a person with no identity, wants, needs, hobbies of my own until my marriage collapsed and I came pretty close to a breakdown. I then started therapy and self learning starting with somatic experiencing (good for "getting it all out) and then a talking therapy. The book Women Who Love Too Much was also helpful.

It is still a struggle as I love and need the love of both of them and their only get worse with age, plus they had become very accustomed to me being cast on this role, but it is much better

Ime it is difficult being an adult and a dm and still being a dd /treated like a small dd. You need to assert adult behaviours with your dps op.

It took a few years of us being together for my now DH to realise that it was fine for him to say no to his mother. His brother never achieved that.

Its not right for parents to bring up their children to be unable to say no, to exercise control and establish their own boundaries ; to hold their own views which may conflict with parents.

So, if a parent were attempting to control me in such a manner, I would be seeing that as the parents failure rather than my own, abd woof, abd do, feel entirely comfortable asserting myself.

I think asking if this is normal is a bit difficult to answer.

If someone was brought up with parents who were incredibly abusive and you were programed to always please them or face punishment.... then if course it is normal to still be scared of them. Especially if they are still a risk to you.

If you are asking if this is the average experience, then no it isn't. Most parents (in the UK at least) would not expect any of the above, they would want to make you happy.

I have actually not seen my dm for best part of 20 years due to her basically bullying me as an adult.

I know someone whose relationship with her Mum sounds a bit like that. Her mum would get jealous and stroppy if she was going somewhere with a friend. She tried to stand up a few times and hell broke loose so she just started to let most things slide. The going out one for example. It's definitely not normal and extremely unhealthy. Although the middle generation may feel the victim here, he or she is putting their parents needs above their children's. Their duty IMO is to the children first parents after.

This is about my dh and his parents. These are just a few, small examples there are hundreds more.

He is completely incapable of speaking up or saying no over anything.

The week after our child was born they demanded that he drive them on a 200 mile round trip to collect something completely non essential that they could have done by themselves.

They are rude, interfering, overbearing. I've posted about them before and their behaviour.

On the face of it they seem like the perfect middle class nice family, but I've seen some very sinister behaviour over the years.

Bollocks I would. My mother would love it though if she “ruled” me like that 🤫

He needs to look into FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt. There are some very experienced people on the Relationships board who give advice on this. The relationships board is for all relationships, parental, siblings, friendship etc. But no, it isn't normal when you are a grown adult to fear your parents reaction to the above.

These are real examples??!! Oh dear!!

I do feel for your DH, but also he needs to take responsibility, with your support, I’d developing a way to deal with them that keeps the children safe and doesn’t have a negative impact on your family.

Not normal at all. Especially the hurt child and dangerous behavior examples. Therapy can work well for issues like this, I've treated many similar people over the years. Just as a heads up, this behaviour is often as the result of pretty severe abuse so prepare for quite a journey if he decides to address it with a professional.

Sorry you are dealing with that. My MIL was similar sounding. I made a point of refusing, being unavailable to her demands. She really wanted to control everything before and after our marriage. It put a real strain on our early marriage.

But we talked about it. I told him what I thought was reasonable or unreasonable and let him explain if he disagreed and then let him decide who best to piss off. It was that unsubtle.

It really was deeply unattractive to me and I had to tell him that.

She was still trying to pull the strings 20+ years on. Probably because DH was the only one of her 3 offspring who did say no to her.
We just had to keep pushing back.

A swift reminder to dh who he married. And a man who is still tied to apron strings isn't a sexy one. Or one you have any respect for.

Nope, not normal in the most simple sense of the word. Seems like something in childhood must’ve caused you to feel this way though. Worth working through in therapy/or with a counsellor

Not only not normal to be scared, but also none of the scenarios listed are things that my parents would even consider it reasonable or rational to get upset with me about.

Why would any of these upset his parents? None of the examples given are remotely upsetting to them.

I would if i’d been brought up by abusive, controlling, demanding parents who I was scared of, yes. Unless I got to the point I decided I didn’t want to live in fear of them like I did as a child. Then i’d get therapy and learn to put boundaries down up to and including cutting them off if they kept controlling me as a grown adult.

But that’s not easy for many people.

Well this exactly. There's is no need at all for any of it to cause a falling out because all can be resolved easily.

Mum and dad, I noticed when I collected dc that they were playing in the kitchen alone and right by the boiling pans, I'm know you wouldn't want an accident to happen but could you be more mindful and keep dc out of the kitchen.

Sorry mum and dad we were just on our way out. But if you pop by on Thursday we are free then,

I'd have loved to have gone to the Christening but we've already booked our holiday so won't be able to go.

I took a while to answer the door as dc had hurt themselves.

Why is it so impossible for dh?

Your DH has been groomed by them.

I try to avoid upsetting my parents but none of the examples you have given would upset them.

1. My mother would beat herself up enough if dcs climbed the cooker to hot pans in her care that I wouldn't need to say anything.

1. They would only have invited me as a courtesy and wouldn't expect me to cancel any preplanned event to be there.

1. My parents would never just turn up unless there was some sort of emergency.

1. My mum would be furious at ME if I ignored hurt child to answer the door to her. Then I really would be scared 🤣

Things I do that I hide to not upset my parents are things like, hiding having a cheeky cigarette on holiday or not telling them about a new tattoo or piercing. Which equally at 33 is probably still ridiculous!

The week after our child was born they demanded that he drive them on a 200 mile round trip to collect something completely non essential that they could have done by themselves.

No one can "demand" anything. Your husband agreed. He could have easily said no.

I could not be married to a man like your husband, and I fear your marriage won't survive it.