Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wrong reason to keep baby

42 replies

Starjay7 · 19/06/2023 21:33

Quick back story. I have 2 boys one 17, one 6. Eldest has adhd and no time or tolerance for his younger brother who craves relationship.
just found out I am pg unplanned at 43 and I don’t think it’s right to continue for many reasons to include my age and poor unstable Mh. My driving factor for sitting on the fence is the fact my son will have a sibling that may want to spend time with them form a bond.
Am I wrong to keep baby just to please my son mainly ? I would love it dearly but not sure I could cope

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/06/2023 21:36

Do not keep the baby for your child. It must be your choice.

nailsonthebus · 19/06/2023 21:36

That is a ridiculous reason. It's not a toy it's a human.

ProfessorXtra · 19/06/2023 21:38

Keeping a child that you can’t cope with will negatively impact the child you are thinking of having the baby for.

what happens if you really can’t cope? Would you be happy with both kids being removed?

I don’t mean to sounds pessimistic. But that’s huge risk to the 6 year old.

L3ThirtySeven · 19/06/2023 21:39

An 11yr age gap is quite big and it’s normal for there to not be the usual sibling relationship of playing together or rivalry. But, they will almost certainly develop one when older as adults.

I don’t think there is any wrong reason to keep a baby so long as you think it would be a good home environment for the baby and the DC you have already? I don’t think you should feel guilty or like you have to so your 6yr old can have a sibling relationship- he will get that anyway as an adult and it will be for most of his life.

Infusionist · 19/06/2023 21:39

Keep the baby if you want.

But don’t do it for your youngest. It would always be a terrible idea to have a baby for a sibling, but the age gap makes this even riskier. You won’t be giving him a playmate, you might well make things worse by giving him a rival for your time or making him feel pushed out.

MollysBrolly · 19/06/2023 21:40

You can't make your siblings get on either as kids or as adults what will be will be. You have to decide if you want a 3rd child , if you want a plaything for your now youngest get a train set

HirplesWithHaggis · 19/06/2023 21:41

There's six and a half years between dh and his younger brother. They were not close growing up, and now approaching retirement do not speak at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/06/2023 21:43

No, it's not a good enough reason.

I also don't think you should excuse your eldest disdain for his brother because of his adhd. He lives in the house, he treats everyone with respect in it.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/06/2023 21:46

You posted about this the other day and I’ll say the same to you now. Do you want to raise another child to adulthood? Because it’s not your 6 year old who will be bringing it up.

if the answers no, then don’t have it. If you think that you could do it without regretting your decision then go for it. Obvs higher maternal age can bring its own risks, but you know that already.

with their age gap they won’t be play mates but could still be close. I’m very close to one of my sisters who’s 7 years younger than me. But she was more my pet as a child than my playmate.

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:49

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/06/2023 21:46

You posted about this the other day and I’ll say the same to you now. Do you want to raise another child to adulthood? Because it’s not your 6 year old who will be bringing it up.

if the answers no, then don’t have it. If you think that you could do it without regretting your decision then go for it. Obvs higher maternal age can bring its own risks, but you know that already.

with their age gap they won’t be play mates but could still be close. I’m very close to one of my sisters who’s 7 years younger than me. But she was more my pet as a child than my playmate.

Did you have to call her out though? It doesn’t matter, it’s a different question.

OP, yes it would be wrong to do it just for that. Though are you just trying to find a reason to justify to yourself it’s okay to continue with the pregnancy? If you want to, you can, you don’t need a reason - wanting to is enough. It might be more useful speaking to a BPAS counsellor about this though rather than a bunch of strangers on here as you will just get people wrongly advanced searching you. Sending you all the hugs and strength, whatever decision you choose will be the right one x

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/06/2023 21:52

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:49

Did you have to call her out though? It doesn’t matter, it’s a different question.

OP, yes it would be wrong to do it just for that. Though are you just trying to find a reason to justify to yourself it’s okay to continue with the pregnancy? If you want to, you can, you don’t need a reason - wanting to is enough. It might be more useful speaking to a BPAS counsellor about this though rather than a bunch of strangers on here as you will just get people wrongly advanced searching you. Sending you all the hugs and strength, whatever decision you choose will be the right one x

Show quote history

Over reacting a bit there aren’t we?

I mean the OP no ill will, but it was a very similar question and she’ll get very similar answers. I haven’t advanced searched her. Have you?

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:54

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname no I haven’t advanced searched her, like you I recognised the content of the post. I just don’t understand the benefit of referencing the previous post. It doesn’t change her situation.

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:55

And, might make her feel silly about posting, when it’s already clearly a difficult time. Just scroll on!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/06/2023 22:04

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:55

And, might make her feel silly about posting, when it’s already clearly a difficult time. Just scroll on!

She can post as many times as she likes. I appreciate she’s got a tough decision to make, but asking strangers on the internet isn’t going to help really. She’s going to get a range of other peoples personal options, just as she did on her last post.

the only opinion that matters is hers, no one else is going to raise the child for her. She just needs to go away and really think whether or not she is in a place where she can start all over again.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 19/06/2023 22:09

You keep it for yourself. Not your child.

Original poster
Starjay7 · 19/06/2023 22:20

I have no other posts only this exact one in pregnancy choices?
some of the comments here seem harsh we are all entitled to opinions but maybe expressing them more constructively would have been received better.
comments like buying my son a train set and “it’s not a toy” etc
Thank you to those that have been supportive.
I have reached out for counselling but there is a wait and I don’t have time to wait. I just wanted to see what people thought and I can see my gut is right! Don’t do it for my son. I think my mind is made up to have a termination def because the gap is larger than ideal and I don’t think my Mh is strong enough.
Not really sure why I even posted this really. Guess I don’t have a lot of people around me to talk to. It’s just torture.
Thanks again for the kind people here ☺️ for those that have been unkind please think before you type.

OP posts:
MCOut · 19/06/2023 22:33

My half sister and her brother are 10/11 years apart, and they are super close so all the negatives aren’t a given. Maybe take some time to think about it.

Original poster
Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 09:55

Yes I have decided to take some time to think it over. It’s a huge decision x

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/06/2023 10:01

I think a termination is sensible.

Horizabel · 20/06/2023 10:07

I'd terminate without thinking twice. Only have a baby if you want to raise another child to adulthood. Having a child to 'give' an existing child a sibling is a potential disaster all round. Be kind to yourself while you decide.

Original poster
Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 10:12

Yes this is also what I believe. The hard part which scares me is I have started getting images of what this baby would look like and it’s torturing my mind so bad. Last night I could see it so clearly and feel like I’m going insane. I know it’s not real just my thoughts but it’s making this even harder.

OP posts:
TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 20/06/2023 10:13

takeawayschmakeaway · 19/06/2023 21:55

And, might make her feel silly about posting, when it’s already clearly a difficult time. Just scroll on!

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” That witticism—I'll call it “Einstein Insanity”—is usually attributed to Albert Einstein.

Insanity is a bit harsh, but if the question is the same, the same answers will be given

@Starjay7 do YOU want another baby - take everything out of the equation, what do YOU want

Not for your existing son, but for you

If you want to have another child, then have one
If you don't want to have another child, then don't

TequilaQueen · 20/06/2023 10:16

OP, if you want to keep the baby, do that. You don't need to find an external reason like pleasing your son- after all, there's no guarantee they would get on. Your body, your decision.

Original poster
Starjay7 · 20/06/2023 10:58

The problem lies with my mental health.
Taking my son from the equation. I suffer with depression and anxiety. Can I go back to newborn where I have no time, structure routine etc ,? This scared me. The thought of my mum leaving to go home would cause me sheer panic. I don’t want to go back to those days. I need to feel in control of my life and a baby will just send me spiralling as it’s new and unpredictable.
it’s just this image of a sweet face that is killing me. It’s like it’s asking me note to do to do. It doesn’t help. I know this sounds crazy. I don’t suffer with hallucinations in real life any other time. Feels spiritual not that I’m even religious.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 20/06/2023 11:23

You're already struggling with the children you have, and by your own admission struggling with your own mental health. Having a baby on the off chance that it will be some kind of consolation prize for your youngest is a really bad idea. And what happens if your baby has adhd too? I would terminate without hesitation in your situation.