Why can't I make any 'mum' friends?

[storypushers]

My aibu is more of what am I doing that is so unreasonable. I just can't seem to make any friends at the school gates or parties or even the bloody peanut app. Why don't I click with people? I'm on 'saying hello' terms with quite a few mums but that's about it. If I try to make small talk they'll stand for a few minutes responding then they'll go and stand with their actual friends. Please through some tips at me.

I’m the same op. For the amount of baby/ toddler classes I did with my dc, i have no mum friends! I could strike up the chat in the classes and be on friendly terms but then, like you say, it would always be “well we are going to meet my friend for lunch etc” and off they’d go to meet their actual group of friends. I find it impossible, here to see what others say!x

I have felt like this. I think everyone does, to an extent.
The only advice I have is just to fake it til you make it. Don't take anything personally. Lots of other school run parents probably feel exactly the same as you. Honestly it's not just you feeling awkward.
Smile. Say hello to everyone. Join in on the class WhatsApp. Volunteer to be a class rep. Join the PTA. Go to parents' socials even just for one drink. Volunteer at an event. Ask your kids who they play with and invite those kids round for play dates. Suggest a runaround in the park after school (if you can)...
Good luck, I'm sure you're not the only one who is feeling like you do.

I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong. It's a bit of a mystery why some people make friends and others don't and it has nothing to do with whether you're interesting and friendly or not. I was in much the same position as you. My DCs are grown up now, but I remember feeling the same way as you at the school gates. However I absolutely refused to let it bother me. We go to the school to deliver and collect our DCs, not to socialise. In fact towards the end of DCs' time in primary school I had a friend for a year, and as such gained some insight into what was going on in those 'friendships'. I'm sure a few made real friends, but there was a lot of politics and back stabbing. A lot of behaving like 12 yr olds. Have you read Jane Green's 'Queen Bee'? Quite a good book. It's quite insightful about how mums act when they come together through their children. Anyway, this glimpse of school gate friendships made me glad to have 'missed out' ie escaped, for so long. I wish I could be of more help. I wish you luck and hope you get some friends, which I'm sure you deserve, but try not to care, and certainly don't think there's anything wrong with you.

Are there any Mum’s that you feel you would naturally gravitate towards? Similar interests etc?
Others are probably feeling the same, be the person to make the first move and suggest a play date etc.

I think making friends is a bit of a numbers game. You have to meet lots of people until you’re in the right place at the right time to meet someone who a) you click with and b) also happens to be in the market for new friends.

Do you actually ask them “would you like to get a coffee some time?” Or something like that, which lets them know you’d like to actually be friends? Having spent years struggling, I’ve built myself more of a social circle recently and along with the numbers game, I’ve found I’ve had to be (what feels to me!) pushy. Not be afraid to be the one who suggests meeting up, arranges the next meeting and the next etc. until you reach a natural pattern. I think this massively depends on your nature - I’m naturally quiet, introvert, etc, so I guess what feels “friendly” to an extrovert feels pushy to me!

Read all your replies. You all seem so nice, as does OP. If I'd had young children now and at the same school, I'd want to be friends with all of you.

Not be afraid to be the one who suggests meeting up, arranges the next meeting and the next etc. until you reach a natural pattern. I think this massively depends on your nature - I’m naturally quiet, introvert, etc, so I guess what feels “friendly” to an extrovert feels pushy to me!

I definitely echo this. Just ask:

"who wants to hang out at the park?". Worst case scenario is no-one does. That particular time. But next time they might. And I promise you no-one will be going home thinking "God I can't believe another mum asked me if we wanted to join her at the park".

Don't overthink it - I know that's easier said than done.

I struggled to make "mum friends" but the first one I made is now a beloved friend and even though she's moved abroad now we still text and hang out when she's back and I'm so glad I kept trying.

I found l made friends when l just gave up. I feel l must have shown a bit of desperation as when l consciously decided not to care others started to talk to me. I am at a stage now..post schools ..and l really don't mind if l never make a friend again and suddenly everyone is talking to me.

Schools can be very clique places.
I have a son who’s 26 and I would count 3 of my friends of 24 years that I met when he started pre prep at age 2 amongst my very best friends. On the other hand with the others, I either made no friends or friendships that dwindled!

Sometimes you just can’t force it! Perhaps you’ll make friends at football or dance or whatever hobby your DC choose, I did when I hadn’t made any via those children at school.

Strike up a convo with one of the mums who is also standing on their own. If your at a group/class and someone new comes in smile and say hi and then try chatting to them. You've got to create your own group from scratch it's hard to try and join an already made group unless the main mum in that one starts up a convo with you

Do you want "mum" friends? You could do hobbies (you AND the kids) and make friends that way instead?

All you will get on here is that "people don't have to be friends with you" because most MNers clearly fit right into the schoolgate cliques. I didn't, mainly for having the temerity to work for a living, but made my friends via my running club instead.

I love in a small town where most of the mums and grans at the playgroups and nursery have known each other forever. They grew up together or know the same people. As a relaticely new 'incomer' I feel I always have that extra hurdle when trying to make friendships. I've had to go out my comfort zone and be more reactive about inviting families round to play or to go to the local cafe.So far I have made 1 good friend and a couple of nice mums that we sometimes spend time with. Turns out we are all the 'incomers' 😂 so maybe it's about finding your niche.

Actually, OP, Raggeo's talk of incomers have reminded me of something. Do most of the mums with a child in your child's class have older children in the school? If so they may be already ensconced in friendship groups. Can you try to find out who else has a first child in school? Or wait until a fresh year group arrives? Also, if your child does activities outside school, you may get to meet some of the mums there. I made a friend that way when my son was in scouts. She moved a few years ago but we still keep in touch.

Arrgh, I remember those 'main mums'. Intimidating.

Do you have a class WhatsApp where you can suggest a coffee meet up after drop off or pub one evening and see who goes along that you can chat to?

Start talking to the Dads that start the ball rolling.

I’ve never made any mum friends at my kids school. Maybe invite others over for a play date? That’s all I can think of, is put yourself out there more?