Feel like a bad mother - shouting

[astranull]

I have an almost 3 and a half year old and a 14 month old.

My 3 and a half year old has been having tantrums and the like since she was 15-16 months perhaps. I've always followed the ' gentle ' approach. I tried to stay calm, distract, validate, remove her from the situation.

But I've reached a place where I can see that the behaviour is just not good for her well being. I've let things slide because she protests so much and I'm just so tired. My 14 month old is constantly whinging. Constantly. It's a lot. I'm not making excuses for shouting at her. I feel terrible.

It's become more and more that I end up shouting. I especially can't help it when they hurt me. Just now I was trying to brush her teeth and she kicked me really hard because she didn't want to ( she was in bed lying down ) I just wanted do give her a quick brush over.

There are things she just doesn't want to accept. I feel like I've tried so long to be patient and I just snap now and she ends up crying and she does say sorry. But I don't want to damage her. It just doesn't feel good to shout. Sometimes the little one cries too. I feel so bad.

Another example over the weekend, we were going out and I needed to brush her hair and she didn't want me to and was running away and laughing. When I caught her she started having a tantrum about it, so I shouted at her and made her cry again. She's also now got into the habit of constantly wanting to change her dresses. So she runs upstairs and chucks everything out of the cupboards. The little one follows, so I have to drag myself up there and sort it all out again.

She had already done it once the other day and she looked really nice. Then out of nowhere she starts saying she wants to get changed again and runs off. I asked her nicely to stop and let's do something else. She continues and I shout again. Again she cries.

I'm just at the end of my tether. She will not listen to me . She only sometimes stops when I shout and make her cry. It's just not right. I just feel so frustrated and like I've been dealing with it for so long and been trying for so long to get through and she just has her own mind and wants what she wants.

Any advice ? Please be gentle, I don't feel good about losing it with my DD. I get very sad about this. I'm at the end of my tether.

She listens to other people and at nursery, but not with me.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

Sounds really tough 😔

What approach do they use at nursery?

I know you've been going through this a long while with her, I hope that she'll eventually grow out of this soon.

I've seen them do a couple of things. They do the validate feelings / empathise with them when they have tantrums. But when they are clearly misbehaving they tell them off and tell them to stop doing it and remove them from the situation.

I'm also trying stuff like removing her toys and confiscating them / time out too. Doesn't really do much.

Love praise hug and kiss all ‘good’ behaviour. Even if they’re not doing anything really amazing. Watching tv next to their sibling nicely, getting their coat when asked, eating their dinner nicely, getting in the car without a fuss, giving granny a lovely smile, playing nicely, helping mummy at the shop etc.

Conversely ‘grey rock’ the bad behaviour (make sure they’re safe and pick up if necessary) but no eye contact or words. Ignore completely and use Oscar winning acting to show indifference. No anger, no time out, no naughty step, no post mortem. Just mummy goes quiet and uncommunicative (or very minimal monotone instruction).

As soon as the behaviour changes you become happy mummy and the sun shines again. There are no reprisals or judgment - life moves on as if nothing happened.

They VERY soon learn which behaviour gets them the better reaction. If you are consistent and calm with this approach it works like magic.

It's a rough time with a small age gap and shouting isn't good, but unfortunately it can become a habit. I wonder about going back to basics. So if the place she is going is somewhere she wants to go, wait until you arrive and then say she needs to brush her to get out of the car and explain why?

My current attempt at parenting is following How to Be a Calm Parent by Sarah Ockwell Smith. At the moment I am trying to only intervene with my toddler when's it a matter of safety for others or themself so not when's it's about social expectations, my desire to complete a task "now!' and general inconvenience.

Can you try and anticipate the triggers and do something in advance such as for now, put a lock on the outside of her bedroom or wardrobe so she can't create havoc? Also have a phrase you repeat to yourself whilst taking some deep breaths and temporarily walking away?

You know it's really funny because I have started trying to do this more. I don't think I'm consistent enough with the praise, but I'm doing it more and more.

Like when she's happy to get ready for school and no fuss, I praise her etc. I need to be more consistently.

The grey rock is also something I'm now doing often. Probably not enough either.

Thanks for reminding me and reinforcing this. I need to stay consistent.

I feel keeping it consistent with that approach will work in your favour with time. I understand how hard it is to be consistent when you have another young child in the home. You did mention that you can let things slide, which we all do, i definitely pick my battles.

From your post it does sound like she's genuinely misbehaving sometimes. It seems like she does listen with a firmer approach, obviously she doesn't like the shouting. She may be looking for a reaction from you, try to keep any reaction as minimal as possible, if you can.

Please don't feel like a bad mother, you're doing a great job.

Thank you.

I let things slide because she protests so much sometimes, so I just let her get her own way.

I was proud tonight, I stood firm.

Often she'll say she wants milk at random times or a snack, instead of dinner. I explain we need to have a meal first and then we can have a snack or milk. She throws a massive tantrum and often I give in and give her milk. So she doesn't end up eating properly after that. But today I held firm. I said, no milk until you've had your dinner. She was really upset and crying. I just stayed firm ( no shouting ). Just grey rocked. Eventually she ate her dinner. I was so happy.

By the time she finished, she had forgotten anyway about the milk and snack.

I'm not sure there's a mother who hasn't shouted now and again. Or if there is, they're probably a passive aggressive wreck, which is worse!

She's 3.5. She's showing defiance because she wants to be more independent and she's interested in your reaction. You need to choose your battles from now on. What do you let her 'win' on, where do you put your foot down, where do you give her a few options to choose from.

A few of the examples you give are about appearance - hair and dress. Appearance isn't as important as learning about kind/considerate behaviour. If she wants to try on dresses, who cares - she can put them back in the drawer after.

If she won't brush her hair (her not you) then say ok, but you'll need to brush it extra tomorrow and if you never brush it, we'll have to cut it short.

When she plays up, deep breath and decide if it's a battle that's worth it. Notice the signs in yourself that you're about to snap, then step out or breathe deeply etc to take a step back and keep your temper. It's not easy but she's a 3yo doing what 3yos do. This is all part of normal development, you're not doing it wrong.

I have similar age DC and it feels bloody impossible sometimes. 3 years with a smaller sidekick in tow seem to be able to cause utter chaos in seconds. I just wanted to say that a bit of shouting isn’t going to damage her OP. You obviously care and so she will get attention and love from you the rest of the time and feel loved. Everybody reaches their limit at some point, you aren’t damaging her.

Thank you. It just does not feel right when I make her cry.

The little one sometimes cries too.

@Namechangedagain20 also you're so right. Little one is like a little side kick. He already has his own tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He copies his sister so much.

He keeps saying ' mine ' ' mine ' at stuff he wants. 🤦‍♀️ then has meltdowns when he can't have the knife of scissors he wants 🤦‍♀️

3 year olds are really difficult. I know - I have one. He was mostly compliant at 2 but a real feisty, oppositional streak emerged on approach to his 3rd birthday. He also won’t give up on an idea anymore, where as distraction and redirection used to work a treat. I’m certainly no expert but I second both the ‘chose your battles’ approach to most behaviour, and the grey rock approach to truly bad behaviour. Keep your own emotions completely in check and try not to lose your cool, just stay completely flat and don’t give any response beyond the option to do the right thing. I only say this because I can say with experience, the times I have shouted it has only served to make the situation worse, not better. OTOH praise praise praise the good behaviour and ‘gossip’ loudly with your other half in ear shot of your child when they have done something well. DS seems to respond to that anyway. This too will pass!

No judgement for me, I can be a shouty mum at times. It's usually when I feel out of control of the situation, and am not looking after myself properly. It's a sign that I need to take better care of myself, to refill my parenting reserves, and tackle a problem area, like sleep or food, which is becoming a drain on those parenting reserves, usually both are true.
It's a bit like the spoon theory for poor health, I only have a certain amount of parenting energy and when it's run out I'll resort to parenting methods I would rather avoid, like shouting and sanctions.

Oh yes, she won't give up on an idea either.

She even says ' I have an idea ' and that's it. Not much I can do then.. I definitely pick my battles already. But if you never have any battles, you just let everything go and before you know it, she's having milk and chocolate ice cream for dinner every night.