I desperately need to fix my life but don’t know where to start *Pic of me included*

[Itssodamnhard]

!! Shamelessly posting here because I need some thoughts desperately !!

This is me. Almost 36 years old, 5’9 and 16 stone.
I will try and keep the backstory short.

All my life I’ve been struggling with weight, never been a skinny or slim one. I always struggled with emotional eating. Around 10 years ago I finally decided that enough is enough and totally overhauled my diet, lifestyle. I was working full time and was on my legs for 8h a day. It worked and my body slowly changed and became slimmer although not quite slim I would say I was more curvy.

Fast forward 7 years ago I met my now XP and my sons dad. I continued with my routine and was actually happy for once how my body looked.

Then 2020 happened when it all started. Not Covid or lockdowns. I got pregnant. It was very much planned and loved baby from the beginning. Everything was fine in our relationship during pregnancy. It was after I have birth everything changed. Obviously it was a big change for us and I was struggling quite a bit to accept my new life. And he started to show his true colours. He was impatient, sometimes rude, he became verbally abusive ( not physically), we were arguing a lot, A LOT. I always put it down as to new parents, lack of sleep etc.

Months went on… The arguments still continued . When finally in autumn of 2021 Early Help centre got involved because he continued to be verbally and emotionally abuse to both me and our son. So with the advice from them I contacted council because we were made homeless by him. We were placed into homeless hotel for a couple of months and then given temporary house from council for year were we are still now until February.

Also… The same time I was going through my relationship breaking down, struggling with a new life with a child, I lost 2 my closest family members in 2 months. It fucking broke me…

And once again I started to turn to food to comfort me. I started to eat when I was happy, or sad, or angry or thought that I deserved it. And my weight just kept piling up without me really noticing. My mental health was bad so I took it out on my body…

And now… Now I want to change something. I hate to see myself in the mirror or any reflection. I feel fat. I am fat. I hate the way I look and I want to go back to “me” again but I don’t know where to start.

Can I do this on my own? Do I need a therapist? Psychologist? I need to change my life.

Thank you if you got this far and took time to read it…

I personally think anyone should be exactly how they want to be.. however you asked so… I don’t think you’re fat. I think your posture is bad and is making a bit of extra weight look bad. The clothes need binning and you need some lovely fitted clothes that show off your curves.. and most importantly give you confidence.

in all I would say most of the pic is just lacking confidence, you will find yourself holding yourself better and feeling 100% better just by doing a few bits!

Whilst I understand you're not happy with your weight. You do look reasonably in proportion. I understand the psychological aspect though of wanting to feel better.

I would try slimming world. I like it because you can eat on it. I'm almost never hungry. I lost 3 stone on it between January and August last year. I had a break owing to personal issues and my weight has fluctuated by 7lbs through eating badly. I've just gone back on it and I'm 3lbs down already in a week.

Seriously give it a go.

I would also look into therapy also to address some of the psychological factors of everything you've been through.

Well done though. You're amazing x

Goodness I wasn’t expecting you to be that small based upon the self hatred in your post!

op this is a massive self esteem
issue. I would start with counselling. Start there.

You really don’t look bad at all OP. You’ve still got a nice shape going on. I calculated your bmi and yes, losing weight would be a good thing at 16stone and 5foot9. But the feelings of disgust are undeserved. You’ve had a rough time lately, and you’ve coped by eating a bit more than you need. There are worse coping mechanisms. Especially since you are now planning to get your weight back to a healthier level.

Take it slow and be kind to yourself. You don’t need a crash diet. You just need a bit more time and emotional space to dedicate to looking after your body. Therapy might help you find different coping mechanisms and help you process recent events in your life. Which might help you avoid overeating and stick to a lower calorie level for a while.

You much slimmer than you seem to think you are. You carry yourself well. Nothing a new wardrobe and some counselling wouldn’t fix.

I genuinely think you look good in that photo OP. I understand you may want to lose weight but you definitely don’t have any sort of an urgent issue.

step 1 - be kind to yourself. Sounds like you have had an awful, awful few years. You still have a young child and are probably exhausted. So be kind to yourself first.

then think about the rest!

This is great advice. I've recently lost 2 stones because I had very few clothes that fitted! I can be very focussed if I really want. Friends have had great success with slimming world and I've used some of their recipes as they are large enough to satisfy, but much better than the cheap I ate before.

Also just slowly reduce your portion sizes...cut out that extra spud, a few chips, have 3 sausages not 4...you will quite quickly get used to it

Im so sorry to hear about all the trauma you have been through OP. You need to give yourself time to heal from that first of all.
On a practical level, check out Dr Chatterjee’s book on weight loss. I think it’s called Feel Great Lose Weight and is for people who use food as comfort and backed by science (he is a GP and a very clever guy!)

But most of all, be KIND to yourself!! The negative self talk in your post is probably (I am guessing) only the tip of the iceberg. If you talk to yourself like that, you will believe it.

Good luck

You're a lot slimmer than you think you are but I know that's unhelpful as it's about whether you are happy with your body.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time- I did too - and I'm quite a similar shape but only 5ft 4- you don't look bad at all to be honest- like me it's a bit all over rather than a massive belly or legs- I would be kind to yourself, start with a few things that make you feel better at minimal effort- hair do or make up or a few new outfits- I've lost 2 stone (another 3 to go ideally) by massively cutting booze and carbs

A quick way to change your mood is to spend a few quid on clothes that aren't so 'meh'. It's summer.

Twenty quid on a dress from Amazon in a print or colour that you actually like could give you a little nudge into 'oh, I like this'. It would be easy - no tight waistband, no seeing the full outline you don't like, just seeing the colour and print (is you get a patterned one) could give you a little bit of a lift.

Then there's treating yourself. Would a punnet of strawberries and plain yoghurt, some nuts and a little bit of honey feel like a treat? Would a bright, fresh salad with the protein of your choice - fish, chicken, cheese, egg, whatever - look better than a beige thing?

Would you feel better to treat yourself with swimming, a trip out with a packed lunch, to get daylight and fresh air? How about a refreshing shower, nice smelling shower gel and body lotion?

These all sound trite, but the combination of doing things that look good and feel nice could ease you into making choices that help your health.

OP I can really relate to this, and it’s HARD, but don’t be hard on yourself. You have shown incredible strength of character already, just by getting to where you are. You’ve taken some really positive steps, which haven’t been easy at all, so give yourself credit for that.
In terms of style, have a look at Style Me Happy on Facebook. It’s a lovely community of women building each other up and helping find themselves through choosing clothes which make them feel good.
Its not full of skinny Minnie’s - in fact the stylist who runs is is a size 18 apple shape, and if budget is an issue there are loads of great tips for a budget, like how to make the best of Vinted.
Have a look - it sounds like you just need an injection of positivity to find you again 🌈

rwl are doing their fitness program for a £1 for 30 days trial. I signed up and have been following the workouts at home. They also have an Instagram that have live videos in the mornings to do workouts. I've cut the crap out, and am trying to drink more water instead of constant coffees with two sugars.

It's alright for everyone to say, "oh you look fine" my sister does this to me all the time. But when you really don't feel you look fine, then it's a big deal and can get you down.

Oh OP, sounds like you’ve had a tough few years.
Whilst I agree with others that you shouldn’t feel so bad about yourself etc, I do appreciate that sometimes when you feel bad when you look in the mirror, the best thing is to make some changes to make yourself feel better.
I did wonder whether one thing that you could look at changing is the emotional eating? So perhaps instead of doing that, you do something else. When you’re sad, pop on a face mask, run a bubble bath and read a book or watch a comedy film/tv show. When you’re angry, go for a brisk walk or do something physical to release that energy. Couple those changes with eating better, healthier meals and snacks and getting more exercise and you’ll likely see the weight come off quite easily! Good luck!

OP, you’ve been through so much and I understand the self-loathing. I’ve had counselling on and off for years. The NHS provision near me is woeful but I’ve managed to find subsided provision through a charity.

I would definitely try and get counselling, lots of places are self referral now. You’re so brave and you deserve to love yourself. The food bit isn’t really the problem it’s the self-esteem.

I reckon if you lost just half a stone it would make a big difference.

Also I wouldn’t have thought you needed to join a gym or anything to help lose the weight, just build walking into your day. I know it’s hard with a little one but maybe getting out and about as much as possible will help and it improves your mood too.

I think you are very brave to post this and it seems like it is the right time for you to do something about the things that have been frustrating you.

You're taking out the frustrations of your horrible husband's behaviour on yourself, on your body and your self esteem.

I read your situation quite differently. I see someone strong enough to overhaul their lifestyle and get fit once before. I see someone who has interrupted the cycle of abuse and kept herself and her DC safe.

I also see someone ready to take good care of herself again, after having to focus on basic survival for a while.

There's a thread I'll try and link where you'll get helpful support.

Make positive changes- decide one thing you want to do- increase activity, eat more fruit and veg- make a measurable target and do it for a week or two. Then add a second goal.

Just small things- get yr 5 a day every day, or increase it to 7 a day.
Add an exercise video in twice a week.

You've done amazingly well. You are doing fab. Just a little more to do!

Here we go...

A revelation- I think I've found what works long term http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weightlosss_chat/4830695-a-revelation-i-think-ive-found-what-works-long-term

Ah OP, have an unMumsnetty hug. I've put on a lot of weight after having two DC and two C-sections, and I kept buying cheap and dowdy clothes that were stop-gap clothes 'just till I lose weight' and that I could hide in and all I ended up feeling like was that I looked crap and felt crap. So my new philosophy is to say fuck it, yes I'm overweight, and who cares? I see plenty of people who are overweight and look lovely, with nice outfits and well put together, so why am I trying to hide away in joggers and hoodies? I've bought myself some bright new dresses in the size that I can finally admit to myself that I am, some funky tights and some ankle boots, and they make me happy to wear, and I've had so many nice remarks on them too.

That's not to say that you can't or shouldn't lose weight if that's what you want, but I've learned to try and not put my life on hold for that to happen and to dress for the body I have, not hide it away. Your body has created new life, it has supported you to get where you are in life, it's working hard for you every day. Maybe you'll lose weight quickly, maybe it'll take a while, but you can do something nice for yourself now and treat yourself to some clothes that fit you well and make you happy.

I've used Lookiero before and they sent some really nice stuff I never would have picked for myself, so that's worth a shot too!

Thank you everyone!
I hope I don’t come across as someone who’s fishing for sympathy. I genuinely needed to get this out, almost scream from the rooftops.
Maybe the picture is a bit deceiving because I have quite a big belly which makes me look pregnant and it’s overhang. That’s my biggest concern, most of my weight concentrate on my middle and tights. That’s why I like to wear dark clothes which I think and hope makes me slimmer. I don’t like to wear shorts or dresses because of me legs, they jiggle and are just… fat. I really don’t have any confidence in my body. And summer makes it even more harder.

@Itssodamnhard mines all middle too . I've got decent legs and you have too!!

Seriously I've found weight comes off tummy last -

Like you my wardrobe is an awful lot of black and navy but bought a few brighter things recently and I don't look fatter and I've found tighter things but with a nice sheer shirt over (I bought 2 black ones from Shein) and a nice white one from M&S actually make me look slimmer than baggy tops.

I would suspect some counselling would not be a bad idea. You’ve had a tough time.
For a more immediate fix -
get some proper, fitting underwear - shapewear if it makes you feel better, you can try it on in M&S to see if you like it.
Get some more flattering clothes. You have a good figure under there, find it!
Choose one or two small things you can change about the way you eat that will start to make you feel healthier. One less snack, swap a treat for some fruit once a day, one glass less wine??? Less mayo. Whatever is your weakness.
Try and find one thing to do in the week that is more active- yoga, walking, Zumba …..
How’s your hair? It always makes me feel better when it looks nice!

and black and navy is fine, just find a better fit!