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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex never takes daughter on holiday

17 replies

Byebyemmissamericanpie · 19/06/2023 13:42

Hi! My ex and I split years ago and have both moved on with new partners. Since our split things have been a little rocky but at the moment all is very civil. My ex and I share a DD7, we used to share her 60/40 but since he has moved in with his new partner he sees her usually 1 day a week, sometimes overnight sometimes for a few hours, sometimes he misses weekends - whatever fits his busy schedule. I have had issues with this as DD has struggled a great deal with the change in how often she sees her dad and there have been a fair few arguments over it, eventually I decided that I could no longer argue my case that he needs to see her more and left him to
it and just supported my daughter when needed. Anyway back to it, Ex has never taken
our daughter on holiday, not even with me, not
for a weekend/overnight stay, not abroad, not over here, nothing. I used to beg, literally beg, for a family holiday and he was never interested so every year I have taken her away with my friends or family. Since my Ex moved in with his new partner (January) he has been on holiday 3 times with new partner, all of these were in school holidays (she is a school teacher and doesn’t have children), by the time the 3rd holiday came around DD was staying with them at their home and seemed to have formed a good relationship, so I was a little surprised when she wasn’t asked if she’d like to go, didn’t say anything about it but didn’t lie to her when she asked why her dad wouldn’t be seeing her that week (he hadn’t told her and I wasn’t aware of this) DD was naturally upset so I was positive and explained she can’t always go. Summer holidays are coming up and I believe another holiday is on the cards that doesn’t involve my DD. Partner and I are taking her away twice but only for 1 weekend break and 1 overnight stay near the beach, as to be honest, that’s all we can afford and all the time my partner can get off work (I’m on mat leave). Even before new baby we have never been away without her, Ex would never have her for a week while we went away and I just wouldn’t want to go without her. This isn’t just holidays, his new partner seem very sociable and he is doing a lot with her that doesn’t include DD whereas my partner and I are very sociable too and DD comes everywhere with us, friends BBQs, family get togethers (thankfully friends and in-laws love her and she is always welcome). Yesterday he picked her up for Father’s Day and they had breakfast, she was back hours later because he had to rush back to spend the day with his new FIL.

AITA for being really annoyed about this and wanting to mention that this isn’t fair? I know he would be so defensive and say he is doing everything he possibly can, which I feel isn’t true. Also feel like the AH for being so annoyed that her dad is pretty rubbish and DD adores him and she doesn’t see any wrong from
him, just feel like I can’t go another day pretending to be so enthusiastic that her dad has taken her for a few hours and bought her a toy or something and that makes him the best thing since sliced bread.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 13:46

YANBU at all - he sounds really rubbish- but I’m not sure how you can make him do this

littleripper · 19/06/2023 13:49

This is how some men are. He has a new family and if he has children with the new partner I imagine all visits will stop for you DD as they have for so many children I teach.
I would work on increasing your daughters resilience so she can process all this when it hits her - sometimes not until they are much older or have their own children. I am sorry she has such a lazy selfish father, it is not your fault or hers.

GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 13:52

All very familiar, the short answer is that you can't make him do it. He's being shit, and you've got to let him be shit. Yes it's heartbreaking, and unfair and you're left to answer the difficult questions about why daddy is on holiday swimming in the sea with his girlfriend and why don't they want me to go with them? Does daddy love girlfriend more than me? Don't they like me? It's shit. Wait til they start showing her the holiday photos, and describing the hotel with three pools and the swim up bar. It's vile.

Just keep being an excellent mum, work on building her self esteem as much as you can to counteract it, that's all you can do. I hear you.

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 13:58

It’s a shame and out of order if he’s messing around regarding the contact arrangements (which you would be justified in talking to him about). However whether he takes your daughter on holiday and what he does during his time he doesn’t have her is not really anything to do with you and you’ll just be causing conflict bringing it up. Focus on being the best parent you can to your daughter, it’s great that you’re doing holidays with her and try not to make her feel like she’s being hard done by her dad. When she grows up she’ll appreciate all the effort you put in.

Original poster
Byebyemmissamericanpie · 19/06/2023 14:05

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 13:58

It’s a shame and out of order if he’s messing around regarding the contact arrangements (which you would be justified in talking to him about). However whether he takes your daughter on holiday and what he does during his time he doesn’t have her is not really anything to do with you and you’ll just be causing conflict bringing it up. Focus on being the best parent you can to your daughter, it’s great that you’re doing holidays with her and try not to make her feel like she’s being hard done by her dad. When she grows up she’ll appreciate all the effort you put in.

There isn’t really a consistent arrangement anymore, when he moved he said he would see her as and when he could, usually let’s me know a few days before the weekend when he will be seeing her, I reluctantly agreed to this arrangement so I guess I can’t really moan about it. So I suppose his own time is always as he doesn’t have a set day for her, he just sees her when he isn’t busy.

OP posts:
Pkhsvd · 19/06/2023 14:10

That’s really sad and I think I’d probably say to him that it upsets her and leave it there. I think in your position I’d probably be a bit vague the next time they go on holiday just to protect her; I know it’s not on you to do that but that would be my instinct.

AnxiousShep · 19/06/2023 14:13

I think it would be fair to your daughter to tell him this ad hoc system is not working. She needs a stable arrangement.

underneaththeash · 19/06/2023 14:14

AnxiousShep · 19/06/2023 14:13

I think it would be fair to your daughter to tell him this ad hoc system is not working. She needs a stable arrangement.

Yes, this.

yut · 19/06/2023 14:17

What I never understand about men like this, is the new women that can see it but seemingly don't have a problem with it? Surely if you want to get a good measure of a man you see what he is like with his kids, and yet these tossers always seem to find another victim, and worst still, have more children!

P1ckledonionz · 19/06/2023 14:23

YABU to put an overly positive spin on things and make excuses for your daughter's father - a dad who doesn't want to have holidays with his own daughter and doesn't want to see her much by the sounds of it. How confusing for your dd.

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 14:26

Byebyemmissamericanpie · 19/06/2023 14:05

There isn’t really a consistent arrangement anymore, when he moved he said he would see her as and when he could, usually let’s me know a few days before the weekend when he will be seeing her, I reluctantly agreed to this arrangement so I guess I can’t really moan about it. So I suppose his own time is always as he doesn’t have a set day for her, he just sees her when he isn’t busy.

Show quote history

Sounds like you need to have a chat with him about setting up a consistent arrangement as that really isn’t fair on you or you DD. I take it his maintenance is based on 60/40 too? So if he’s not doing this then hopefully you’ll be entitled to some extra to be able to afford to take her away a bit more. Sounds like the new GF has bought out his more sociable side but can understand why they’re not rushing to do holidays with kids when they’re new into relationships and holidays with kids not everyone’s idea of holiday! It’s great that your DD has a good relationship with your dad and be glad of that and avoid making any big deal of the holiday thing. Advice from having been there and done that… if you’re expecting your ex to be the same as you as a parent then you’re just going to feel constantly frustrated which will probably spill out into conflict causing more harm for your DD than if your expectations were a bit more realistic. Just try to remain calm, keep a civil relationship with ex (through gritted teeth) and effect change where you can, e.g. saying to ex how DD was saying how she’d love it if daddy could take her to x for the day (nothing too ambitious) or where possible encourage her in a positive way to discuss any questions she has with daddy direct

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 14:26

her dad

Tryagainplease · 19/06/2023 14:30

Jesus, do men really do this?? (Rhetorical)
He used to do 40% of the parenting until he met someone new and then just opted out?? That is so low. Poor you and your poor DD.
No real advice I just wanted to say YANBU. Does he at least pay you what he should?

Original poster
Byebyemmissamericanpie · 19/06/2023 14:31

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 14:26

Sounds like you need to have a chat with him about setting up a consistent arrangement as that really isn’t fair on you or you DD. I take it his maintenance is based on 60/40 too? So if he’s not doing this then hopefully you’ll be entitled to some extra to be able to afford to take her away a bit more. Sounds like the new GF has bought out his more sociable side but can understand why they’re not rushing to do holidays with kids when they’re new into relationships and holidays with kids not everyone’s idea of holiday! It’s great that your DD has a good relationship with your dad and be glad of that and avoid making any big deal of the holiday thing. Advice from having been there and done that… if you’re expecting your ex to be the same as you as a parent then you’re just going to feel constantly frustrated which will probably spill out into conflict causing more harm for your DD than if your expectations were a bit more realistic. Just try to remain calm, keep a civil relationship with ex (through gritted teeth) and effect change where you can, e.g. saying to ex how DD was saying how she’d love it if daddy could take her to x for the day (nothing too ambitious) or where possible encourage her in a positive way to discuss any questions she has with daddy direct

Show quote history

Thank you for your advice, it’s good to hear from people who have been in this situation. He does pay maintenance now after making the ‘as and when’ arrangement, he didn’t when it was 60/40, he refused as he had her 2 days a week so said he didn’t need to.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 19/06/2023 14:41

It's rubbish he is like that. You cannot change things though. All you can do is teach her she is wonderful and make her robust enough not to feel she is less important.

girlfriend44 · 19/06/2023 14:47

A woman whos partner doesnt bother with the kids would think you are doing Ok. She did get to see him on Fathers day. Its hard for some people to please everyone on the actual day. Alot of people have to split the day.

Its his loss if he dosent see her more anyway, you cant force people. Things dont always stay the same either.

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 15:13

Byebyemmissamericanpie · 19/06/2023 14:31

Thank you for your advice, it’s good to hear from people who have been in this situation. He does pay maintenance now after making the ‘as and when’ arrangement, he didn’t when it was 60/40, he refused as he had her 2 days a week so said he didn’t need to.

Show quote history

Hope things get better in time and hopefully his new GF is the sort who will gradually encourage him in that 🙏 (and not the toxic sort). It is super hard when you’ve been left to take the bulk of the responsibility and even harder when you feel your DC are not getting what they deserve. Once you’ve sorted out consistent contact (and hopefully have CMS arrangement in place) then is just easier to consider anything else he does as a bonus. As long as your DD doesn’t feel obviously rejected/unloved by him and has you and your family there to be great parents then she will be ok (and nothing you can do to radically change him anyway) Just a warning, if she gets to teenage years and suddenly starts acting like he’s the bees knees and your a waste of space, honestly don’t panic and despair, is just a phase and she will super appreciate you when she grow up. Best of luck with everything

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