To ask what gives you a bad feeling you can’t explain about someone?

[Justalittlebitweird]

Is there anything specific or any particular ‘red flags’ that give you a bad feeling you can’t explain about someone ?

Throughout my life this has happened to me - I’ve had multiple people tell me and I’m quiet sore there are many more who haven’t told me (and there have been a couple who felt this way and I found out via a third party)

At school I struggled to make friends and was not liked and called weird etc. when very young other children would say they were scared of me and just wouldn’t play with me ?

I do have autism and I’m wondering if the fact I didn’t follow normal social rules as a child meant other children didn’t like me ? But as an adult I’m struggling as I make an effort and try to fit In but people say I give off ‘bad energy’ or there is something they ‘can’t put their finger on’
Ive had concern from professionals as my actions have been misinterpreted and innocent things seen as safeguarding issues and I just don’t know what to do ?

I just want to identify what behaviours / signs that would make people wary to make sure o don’t do any of them

Its hard to describe but it's very difficult to overcome, it's like an invisible wall between you and them and a feeling of unease.

I’ve had comments like ‘bad energy’ , ‘scary’ , ‘weird’ , ‘creepy’ , ‘unusual’

As an adult I’ve had things said such as ‘unusual presentation’, ‘controlling’ , ‘can’t put my finger on it but something is wrong’ , ‘sinister’ , concerns about my motivations due to the way I present and that I try to exert power over others (which isn’t true I think I’m assertive and it’s misinterpreted)

It’s at the point I’m struggling in simple conversations as while I’m trying to have a conversation with someone I have in my mind at the same time ‘have good eye contact’ ‘Smile so you don’t look creepy but not so much that it becomes creepy’ ‘say as many kind things as possible ‘ etc etc so I can’t even concentrate as I’m worrying so much am I coming across badly

You don't sound creepy to me but if you are trying that hard I think it will show and look like you're full attention isn't on what I'm saying. Sorry that's a clumsy sentence could you relax and turn off the inner voice.

The inner voice is so bad now I don’t think I can it’s at the point I’m avoiding people more and more as each time I’ve had a negative reaction from someone I’ve tried harder and now I’m literally analysing myself at the same time as any interaction as I’m trying to avoid being perceived incorrectly.

I think I’m just generally awkward. As a child I do see why others were scared of me I used to spend a lot of time observing them all playing trying to work out how to join a group - I think my expression of concentration probably looked like a scary face to other children ! I thought it would be better as an adult but once my dc went to school it started again

What were the 'innocent things' that were raised as safeguarding issues?

Do you mask heavily in public, as people can sometimes just sense incongruity?

I'm ND and this year have made a really effort to stop masking and be more 'me' and I think being more authentic as a ND woman has really helped more people warm to me.

I'm very suspicious of people who are "always" nice and smiley and also people who "everyone" likes.

I could name several very popular people I wouldn't trust at all and don't really want much to do with.

I was quiet as a child/young adult and didn't really "find my tribe" friend wise until my 40s. I think this may be (in part) because people understood I could see through any fakeness

I'm autistic and have received the same comments, although mainly when I was younger (I'm 53 now). I even had hospital staff take ds away to check him over for what I don't know, but I got the vibes they weren't happy with something about me. Even the midwives when he was born would remove him periodically, but never did this with the other mothers on the ward. I used to have to go looking for him. I didn't know I was autistic then, but knew that people reacted badly to me for some reason. I was scared they would take my dcs from me so did everything very carefully to ensure they had no reason to criticise my parenting.

I've had people tell me I'm "weird" and "scary". I'm not, it's just anxiety. The other autistic people I know also come across as perhaps a bit odd, but nothing malicious or bad. I've had far worse vibes off mean girl/mean male types who are neurotypical. I can spot them a mile off.

I now make sure I don't offend anyone by being very pleasant and trying to smile and look warm. It's exhausting having to play act all the time.

One of my dc went through a really bad phase of being unwell almost constantly so each time I took him to the gp or hospital when necessary and when I wasn’t happy being fobbed off that he was fine I went privately for a second opinion and I was accused of making up illnesses for attention, I had to have a social services investigation.
School and GPsaid he wasn’t presenting in the same way I said and they didn’t see what I saw . It got sorted out when he got a diagnosis but in a lot of the meetings it kept being said how I was exaggerating, ‘doctor shopping by seeing different doctors (one day we saw the gp who dismissed us then we went to a and e the same day as I wasn’t happy with how unwell he was) , that I was using illness as a way to stop him accessing the same opportunities socially as other children (he was too tired and sick) and that I was seeking a diagnosis so that he would get special treatment which was for my own gratification supposedly it was horrible (he actually was really unwell and had coeliacs)

It’s instinct. Autistic people have been said to pick up on nuances in others behaviour more due to being naturally more observational

Not that you should feel you have to but would it be worth letting people know that you are neurodiverse earlier in the conversation? It might take the pressure of you and you could phrase it so that people understand why they may find aspects of the conversation different (a bit like someone who grew up with a different first language)

Eye contact is a really difficult thing to get right if you over think it, too little or too much can be quite disturbing !

I do think that could be the reason and maybe if I say then any ‘weirdness’ they’ll put down to that instead of what’s currently happening when they are picking up on something and it’s a concern ? I’m honestly exhausted

People who linger. I have a few colleagues who will come up to you and be friendly, but then have said what needs to be said and literally just hover...

I'm like... "OK, we're done now... shoo!"

It's because we don't/can't come across as 'natural' OP, people can sense that what we present isn't authentic (because we're masking) and it makes them suspicious of us. But we're between a rock and a hard place, if we mask we're seen as fake, if we don't were seen as weird and/or socially inept and rude.

My 'solution' is to surround myself with people who know I'm autistic and don't judge or get offended by me in my 'unmasked' state, doesn't help me in situations where that's not possible but I'm 48 and care less and less what people think of me tbh so if I ruffle the odd feather or offend the odd stranger well so be it.

I can apparently give off this energy as well. Also autism. Over the years I've had people say they don't like me because I'm "false". I'm not, obviously, but I mask so I think it's that. Or people that just seem to have an immediate negative reaction to me, or come across as really awkward talking to me like I've put them on edge.
It's not everyone though fortunately. Others seem to see a different aspect of me and like that. But enough over the years that I'm pretty reclusive now.

Unpredictable behaviour makes me uneasy. People who behave unusually or slightly differently in a given situation to what would normally be expected. Because it’s tricky to establish whether they’re just a little bit eccentric or, as the case may be, autistic, and mostly harmless; or whether the unpredictability / unusual responses or mannerisms are the result of a behavioural issue, mental health problem or a substance and it’s best to give them a wide berth in case they aren’t harmless. I suspect the same is true of many people: self-protection is a basic instinct.

“Making an effort to try to fit in”, particularly if you are autistic and trying to copy what you see others around you doing when that behaviour doesn’t come naturally to you is likely going to come across as unpredictable rather than reassuring. Do you explain to people when you meet them that you are autistic and sometimes find social situations awkward to navigate?

I think this is exactly right: I very much doubt you come across as "creepy", that sounds much too sinister.

But people can usually read when someone is uncomfortable and it makes them feel uncomfortable back, if that makes sense. It's a lack of warmth and relaxation and it can come across as rudeness or coldness. And trying too hard to be warm and relaxed will come off even weirder than just being cold.

It is probably, as as PP has said, because you are "masking" and people can sense a lack of authenticity which makes them feel uncomfortable. I know it's tricky because there's no way to fake feeling natural and comfortable which won't in itself look odd.

I wonder if you could explain to people when you start to get to know them: that would just enable you to get the autism elephant out of the room (so to speak) so people know that you may not present as others do?

Sensitive and intelligent people will probably clock that you are either uncomfortable or possibly ND and will cut you a bit of slack.

I find it really hard to tell people as growing up my DM told me not to tell anyone (she was so ashamed) that I tried to hide it and hence where I am now so I have a real block of actually saying in rl that I’m autistic . But I’m getting labelled anyway

It's much more common now for people to come out and say they are autistic. An Australian woman Grace Tame who is a public figure has written a book about it that is doing really well; she is very open about her autism and I think while I don't really understand autism because it seems to be different for different people, good on her for writing a book and being open about her neurodivergency.

I know what you mean about worrying about how you're presenting as you are talking, that can be exhausting and I do that too, I think that's not uncommon.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/

The researchers in this 2017 study found that pretty much no matter how pleasant, "appropriate" or friendly the autistic person was, their NT peers instantly disliked them. They showed transcripts of what autistic people had said and the NT people reacted positively to what had been said, but negatively as soon as there was a visual of the autistic person.

In very general terms, we give NT people Uncanny Valley (definition here). People have told me my entire life that they thought I was weird/odd/rude/aloof/stuck-up when they first met me and it takes a long time to warm to me. For me, I mask very heavily, which involves rehearsing conversations and practicing facial expressions in private. My husband has told me that my face often doesn't match my tone of voice, so I'm probably difficult to gel with because I look/sound stilted or false.

But I’m getting labelled anyway

Yes, exactly this.

I went through a period of job hunting and had 20+ unsuccessful interviews. In between, I was diagnosed as autistic but I didn't want to disclose that in case it put off employers.

I discussed it with a close friend who (as diplomatically as possible!) said "but you're already putting off employers. If you don't tell them, interviewers will keep sensing something 'off' about you. If you disclose upfront, they'll understand better. And if they're bothered by the fact you're autistic, you don't want to work there anyway".

My friend was right. I was being negatively labelled anyway so I disclosed, got my current job and now work in the most accepting, inclusive place

@amusedbush that's so interesting, thanks for the link. It certainly tallies with my personal experience. I wonder if that's why there's probably a high proportion of autistics that do better participating online than in person?

When I was job hunting a friend was horrified that I planned to declare my diagnosis in case the company then didn't want me, but I reckoned that at least having an explanation for why I was coming across as a raging weirdo (stressful situation so all the quirks more apparent) was the least worst option.

That would make sense! I have one real life friend but many years-long, message-based online friendships that mean just as much to me. Also, when I started WFH during the pandemic, seeing myself in the little box on Zoom meant I could manually arrange my face during meetings instead of just letting my expressions run wild 😅

I totally relate about being a raging weirdo in stressful situations, too; I turn into Mr Bean whenever I leave my house 😂 when I emailed the hiring manager to disclose, I also asked if I could have a printed copy of the interview questions on the day. Usually I forget the question and start ad-libbing complete shite but I was able to rein in my focus by referring to the print out.

Unfortunately there's that 'uncanny valley' humans are very instinctive really and if something doesn't fit the 'right' pattern it puts people on guard. I'm asd and spend a lot of effort trying to make the 'right' faces and gestures but only around adults. Kids are usually OK with me these days but adults are definitely more closed to anyone ND.

I think this is why some asd people claim a sort of autdar as well.

Pattern recognition is a bitch!
Try wearing a lanyard? It seems to put some NT at ease as they can then 'override' their somethings off reaction.

Exactly that. I'm NT and so much of how we communicate with people and read situations is in body language and non verbal expressions. Many NT people can walk in to a room and tell if there has been an argument or disagreement long after any verbal row has finished.

It is very instinctive and for women relating to men probably a key survival instinct. Many people will get a very off vibe if body language does not match what people are saying.