Looking for Advice

[ScorchedGrass]

My life is a mess, and I'd just like to know what you would do or what would you advise a friend to do if it were you. I posted in another thread and no response so posting here for possible traffic.I'll try and keep as short as possible without a drop feed. For context, my living situation is me, my sons (1 in primary, 1 in secondary) and our dog. My youngest has some additional need and is awaiting ASD assessment, my eldest has a good friendship group and plays football with a local team. We don't have stable housing, schooling and I now don't have a stable job.

1. we lost our lovely home of 9 years as LL said she was selling. We lived walking distance to school in the countryside. We have moved to relatives home in a flat in the city, which Is wholly unsuitable, I now commute 3 hours a day to school and back. Youngest hasn't moved schools due to provisions in place for him, eldest hasn't because catchment school in the city has a waiting list. Not only that, I didn't want to add to them feeling destabilised, which they both do. Although the flat is in a good area and looks great, we're all unhappy here.


2. my youngest (8) is very unhappy, he has said several times in the last few weeks that he wants to die, he wants to change schools, he wants to live with his Dad, he hates himself, he hates the flat, he misses the old house. I don't know whether to call GP. I have assured him I am trying to make things better and that I'm always in his corner.


3. I have a masters in my career area which I have been working in junior roles in for 3 years. I started with an org last year and got promoted within 2 months to a project role which is totally different to any other way of working I've been involved in. It was a new role, and my line manager and our other team member weren't always sure what our actually tasks were. They have both worked together for years. I have been in post for 5 months and we have only just come together to figure out our roles. On Friday I was told my probation was being extended for 3 months, I assume because I have not been up to scratch.I work PT as youngest can't attend wrap around care and pick up work in the evenings. I like working with people and don't like how process dense the role is.


4. I am looking to try and buy us a new home, my budget is very tight and the area close to the schools is too expensive, so I am looking further out in less desirable areas. I have a feeling were better moving even further away into the Borders, where houses are cheaper and more value for money, but then I would need to change both schools and although I think youngest would like that, my eldest wouldn't talk to me again and I'm very worried about the effect on him.I'm so scared to make the wrong choices here, I can't sleep, I'm not eating properly, I'm angry and sad and feel like a huge failure. This has all come to a head in the last 4 months. I don't know where to start.

Sorry you are going through this, what a horrible couple of months you have had.

My advice to myself in this situation would be that feelings need to come second to practicalities.

I would say that getting a house sorted is your priority. Find something you can afford (& would still be able to afford if your mortgage rates doubled or your income dipped), wherever that may be, and then sort schools out once that is done.

Yes, it would be nice for the kids to stay in their schools, but 15 hrs of commuting a week is costly and unsustainable, especially during winter when the days are shorter, colder and wetter.

Re your youngest, yes, speak to a GP, and also to his dad. Is there anything you can do together to help your youngest with this transition?

Re your oldest, if your oldest is at secondary school s/he is old enough to understand the reality of the cost of living crisis and cutting your cloth according to your means. Yes, s/he'll be upset to move away from friends, but unfortunately, being upset is part of life and something they will have to deal with.

Do you like your job or do you want to change? Is there a different role in the company? If so, this may help with mortgage as you will have continuity of payslips for the paperwork. If not, have you started exploring other options?

Did work not tell you the reason for extending probation?

In this situation I'd potentially try and rent in the area again so that my kids could feel settled for now while I'm deciding what's next. Try and deal with 1 thing at a time rather than everyone at once because it will all be too overwhelming.

Thank you so much for replying.

Renting...this is something I think may be a better option whilst we settle down. I cannot leave where we are just now until it is sold (the flat is now also being sold and family politics around this, another story), and rentals are few and far between in our previous area. But this is something I am open to and think if we can get somewhere it may actually be better because It gives me time to settle at work, increase my hours if I'm commuting less or time to find and settle into a new job.

Work...I would prefer to stay in my current org because I agree this looks better on payslips, but I don't feel brave enough to apply for other posts given what's going on. I was promoted within the same wider team. My feeling is I would rather leave, but again, not very practical. Line manager didn't outline my exact steps needed out of probation and I don't know if anyone can actual move on from that. I will get a letter that will hopefully help.

Eldest...he is the most stable out of us and it quite settled in his school with his friends, it's sad to think he'd lose that. I am a people pleaser and the thought of upsetting anyone makes me freeze so I can't make decisions for ages.

There is a house I have viewed twice, the area isn't great but there is a garden and school commute cut by half. It is also non-standard construction. I was going to put in an offer today but something doesn't feel right and I have put it off. I don't know whether to listen to my gut or whether I'm just too scared.