Tricky situation with MIL

[TattieSconeAllGone]

I'll preface this by saying that I like my mother in law! She's a good person and is kind and helpful. Not out to bash her at all!

My MIL has been through a difficult few years. She cared for her mum who was in assisted living accommodation for several years until she died in 2019. They had a difficult relationship and she found her very trying to deal with, being constantly given unasked for advice and instructions as if she had no idea how to do anything. Through all this, MIL's brother was little help, though always feted by their mum when he turned up once in a while.

MIL's brother died unexpectedly in 2021 of covid. She didn't know that he was ill, and was told he'd died 4 days after the fact. She doesn't have any other siblings and her dad is already dead, so she only has my DH (and me and our two kids) left.

I said to my DH that she would benefit from grief counselling, but when he suggested it some time later, she wouldn't have it, said it wouldn't help, and what will be will be.

This is obviously very difficult for her, but now she has basically turned into her own mother, constantly giving us advice about the best thing to do for the children, and being angry with us when we do the "wrong" thing. My husband is continually getting pissed off at her and (in my opinion) making things worse by responding to her in a reactive way.

I've told my husband that you cannot change anyone else's behaviour, only your own, so he has to change the way he responds, but he finds it really hard.

SO! AIBU to think that he can only change himself? Are there any books anyone could recommend on the topic?

Thanks very much for reading!

Would he read a book on how to change himself?

I'm not sure how I'd feel if my husband bought me one 😂

It does sound stressful though for all of you.

How about both you you simply respond "Gosh you remind me of your mother" every time she says something demanding/derogatory.

Literally EVERY time, but then just carry on doing what you're doing, the way you want to do it.

Hopefully it'll get your point across without having to having a big argument about it.

she has basically turned into her own mother, constantly giving us advice about the best thing to do for the children, and being angry with us when we do the "wrong" thing.

Is there any chance you can have a gentle conversation with her next time she gives you unwanted advice and gets angry when you don't take it? Your DH obviously can't manage it, but if you could gently say "MIL, do you remember how you told us your mum really damaged your relationship by telling you what to do and how to do it? I'd hate that to happen to us, as we've always got on well, you're a good person, and I'm very fond of you" do you think she'd take it in?

@WonderfulUsername Yes I think he would! But I'd suggest it to him rather than just buying it And in a "this could help you respond more effectively" kind of way, rather than "you need to change yourself"!

'Sailing the Worldly Winds' is a good book. It's a Buddhist book, Buddhists are big on responding 'skillfully', but it is suitable for anyone who has ups and downs (I.e everyone), and is interested in working on their responses. There's quite a nice reflective exercise or 2 throughout each chapter, which could be nice to do together if you get into it too. Also on the kindle 🙃

The converse is also true though? If your MIL doesn't like being snapped at she can change her behaviour...

I've told my husband that you cannot change anyone else's behaviour, only your own, so he has to change the way he respond

This is absolutely true. Also it’s much less stressful to step back rather than fight against someone with really set annoying behaviour.

I actually also like the suggestion to mention to MIL how alike her mother she sounds. Maybe ask her to recall how she felt with the unwanted advice and if she can maybe appreciate that your DH is feeling similar.

I don’t Know of any books really.

@StopMindlesslyScrolling @saraclara @Weal

I'd find that a really awkward conversation to have with her as I kind of feel like it's "none of my business". I didn't meet DH's grandmother very often and I definitely never witnessed any situations where MIL was pissed off with her, though I am told there were many!

I'm also not sure she'd accept that she IS behaving like her mum. Her mum was unreasonable, but her advice is genuine and warranted (apparently).

When she gives advice, you both have to say 'ok, thanks for the advice'. If she challenges you about not taking it, you say 'oh, we decided to go another way'. If she gets really angry tell her - I know you want to increase your feelings of control after a few crappy years, but telling us what to do constantly is not the way to do it.

Just this. Thank her for her advice, do what you want. If necessary Dh explains that you don’t want history repeating itself.

We're not in charge of her behaviour though, and I think she believes my DH is the unreasonable "sensitive" one and she thinks if anyone's behaviour needs changing, it's HIS not hers.

What a lovely person you are for recognising her situation and being compassionate and wanting to help ease the situation for all of you.

I would give her opportunities to respond to your asking for advice when you don't really need it so that she feels useful and needed.

That way it looks like you are taking up some of her advice and it's not so bad when you don't.

I had a similar relative who was bit like the Harry Enfield character 'You don't want to do it like that, you want to do it like this...!'

We understood that she was insecure and gave her things to do and asked her opinion on trivial things.

It made for a much more relaxing time as she would be pleased as punch that we had planted such and such a plant in the place she suggested when we asked for 'help' that we didn't actually need.

@EllaRaines aw thanks! I so wish she would look into counselling. I think it would help her a lot with processing how her brother died and her feelings about her mum, but she just won't do it. I think she also has a bit of health anxiety now too

I think he can say; "Mum, you did a great job raising me, now please trust I and DW will do a great job with your DGCs. If we need your advice/input, rest assured because we have a good relationship, we will ask!" And repeat.