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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents think I am a recluse

20 replies

Alice558 · 18/06/2023 00:48

Hey Guys,
I just wanted some advice. I am 27F and living with my parents. I recently got a decent job, however, my parents keep nagging at me over certain things...

I recently was bullied out of a job and I have lost a few friendships over the last 10 years. One of them it was my fault as I phased this friend out and told him I needed space as I was going through a rough time. At this time they landed a great job and he has a bad habit of bragging and sometimes comes across as quite snobby about low incomes. His eyes also light up when something goes wrong for not just me but...other people in his life even strangers.

He seemed really upset that I wanted space and demanded I called him so in the end I did and I have not spoke to him since. I just didn't need that it my life at the time.

Now, I have a boyfriend but like my own space, hence why I like living with my parents. We go out like once a week together however my parents think I have no life and need to more with it. Suggesting that I contact friend explained above as even though they don't make me feel good someone is better than no one? Also because him and his wife have great jobs it will be great for me to see a "better side of life" it just makes me feel shitty to be honest. This friend also lives 7 hours away don't know if that makes a difference.

I was thinking of using that Meet up website, has anyone tried this? Do my parents seem right for thinking this way?

Thank you

OP posts:
DrGoogleMD · 18/06/2023 00:53

You say you have your own space living at your parents but maybe they don't feel like they have their own space but are afraid to say this so are trying to encourage you to make a life for yourself outside of their house more?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2023 01:18

I'm thinking that your parents are more than ready for you to move out, honestly. You're 27, it's high time you do, and they've earned the right to live without one of their children in the house. You need to experience being fully independent.

RantyAnty · 18/06/2023 01:21

Your parents want you to move out.

lemonchiffonpie · 18/06/2023 01:23

Stay away from anyone whose eyes light up at others' misfortune, especially your own. You need to move out more than have him back in your life.

Fiddlerdragon · 18/06/2023 01:30

At 27 and still living with your mum and dad, they are more concerned with you moving out that your happiness. I’d focus on getting independent and not on a boyfriend

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/06/2023 01:35

I was gently going to suggest that by saying they want you to get more of a life, that at 27 they want you to move out
Living with parents is not being independent. It doesn't necessarily mean living with your BF either
It's fine to need alone space, so don't join groups if you don't want to.

Ponderingwindow · 18/06/2023 02:08

I agree with other posters, your parents are trying to encourage you to fly the nest. You don’t need to live with a boyfriend and I wouldn’t recommend it. Just get your own place and start building your own life.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/06/2023 02:53

Hi OP, I think your parents don’t really care about this friend so much. I think they want you spending time people your own age and seeing how they live. In other words it’s a bit of a ham fisted way of them saying you should be out living an independent life and they’re probably hoping that by spending time with people who are on their own you’ll want the same thing.

I agree with others it’s probably a good time for you to exert some independence, find a flat, and make some friends out in the world.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/06/2023 03:16

You have a new job that you say is decent, and you have a boyfriend - I'd say that doesn't mean you are a recluse.

Its good that you like your own space. But you could perhaps find some new interests that you'd enjoy.

Cant think why your parents are encouraging you to stay in touch with a malicious sounding friend who lives 7 hours away - how is that going to help?

As for thinking this person has a great life and will encourage you to have one too - it sounds like they are ambitious for you, but don't recognise that its hard in your 20s to build your career. They should appreciate that you have recently got a good job and stop comparing you to this married friend.

I think its good that you are satisfied with your life and not, like your parents, comparing yourself to others.

It may be more that they want to see you having a good social life, and not be lonely, than that they want you to move out - but go ahead and ask them. What's the point in worrying why they are saying these things - they need to be more straightforward with you not leave you wondering. A lot of posters say it sounds like they want you to move out. I'm not so sure, but ask them. If that is what they mean, then its not fair to dress it up as something else and you need a timeframe. At least you would know where you stand and can make plans. Also it takes time to get used to a new job, new relationship and also time to find an independent place to live in today's economy...

I would just keep doing your own thing, focus on your job, spend time with the BF, and use your time at home to save towards becoming independent when you are able to and when you want to.

TidyHomeTidyMind · 18/06/2023 07:35

After 27 years of living with you OP I think they are kindly trying to suggest you move out.
Job/friend issues aside are you only going out once a week with your bf? As in that is the only night your parents get to themselves?
They want their life back as a couple rather than being parents.

Curseofthenation · 18/06/2023 07:42

I would look at getting a houseshare and picking up a hobby if I were you. It does sound like your parents are ready for you to be independent and building some new friendships would likely do you some good.

Diddykong · 18/06/2023 07:44

Your parents definitely want you gone. In a nice way but they are ready for you to fly.

PermanentTemporary · 18/06/2023 07:47

I'd agree that now you have another job it's time to look into getting a room in a houseshare and moving out. Time for your parents to have their own space too.

Catspyjamas17 · 18/06/2023 07:55

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with living quietly and only having a few friends, even in your 20s. You do you, not the version of you your parents have created in their heads. Both of my DDs will be always welcome to share our home for as long as they want or need to, particularly with the housing situation as it is. I don't believe in living life by other people's milestones either. But not all parents feel this way. Your parents shouldn't be pushing you towards toxic friends for whatever reason, but particularly not just to get out more. If you are happy there I wouldn't be rushing to move out, but if their gripes become too much, or you feel flattened by the weight of parental expectation, then perhaps it is time to consider options for further independence.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 18/06/2023 08:01

You're 27 years old and have a job - you need to move out and stop relying on your parents.

Hopelesscynic · 18/06/2023 08:06

YANBU to not want to see this "friend", he sounds bad news. Your parents have no business pushing you to meet him or to impose their ideas on your social life. Labeling you a "recluse" (which I don't think you are btw) also sounds judgemental and mean.

YABU though to keep living with your parents and call this "independent". They could be pushing you out to meet people, so they could claim back some space and in hopes that you'd make a life of your own.

PimpMyFridge · 18/06/2023 08:07

The friend who takes pleasure in others' misfortune is best left in the past no doubt about that at all.

Your parents suggesting you reinforce that friendship is crackers, a friend who brings you down is not better than no friend.

Having only your bf as your social life is very eggs in one basket. Obviously if you've just come through a time in your life when previous friendships have moved on it's not a bad thing. Everything has its time and sometimes you get a run of events that leave a gap in your life... But it would be good to cultivate more variety. You can still keep things low key if that's your preference but a few people you can call on for social occasions is a good way to stop your world becoming too narrow and gives you resilience against all the bumps in life.

Agree with pp who think your parents are needing more space as a couple.
You could sit down with them (if you have a good relationship) and invite a conversation about you sharing the house, how it's out working for everyone.
Do they need more time alone, is everyone pulling their weight, can they help you figure out a financial plan for getting your own place (if that is wanted by you or they).

Often in an effort to not hurt feelings, some issues become taboo and then useful constructive conversations are missed out. All of you might feel better with greater mutual understanding, knowing the other party appreciates your position and point of view is worth a lot, and a plan for positive change helps in every way.

charabang · 18/06/2023 08:23

I think your parents should respect your decision regarding cutting contact with your ex friend. I'm not sure why they want you to still be friends with a married man 7 hours away. Was he a friend of the family also? I tried Meet Up with varying success. I didn't really like the meet at the pub and make endless hours of pointless chat groups but I did join a book club and a quiz team group and still have friends from thise groups years after I stopped attending. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Todaypicard · 18/06/2023 08:46

You need to move out!

cocksstrideintheevening · 18/06/2023 09:05

Move out!

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