Wanted to keep it a secret

[Maloneyb]

I am going to my friends hen in a few months, it’s close and in this country.
now I have a baby who needs me - EXC BF.
we’ve tried weaning to a bottle etc. it’s not happening

i asked my DH to not tell his parents. We have a rocky relationship

I was on his phone looking for an address in WhatsApp and I saw a msg from FIL. Yes I know I didn’t need to click on it. Talking about having the weekend that I’m on the hen with his son and my child.
now ordinarily, it’s fine. However. They treat me so badly and always have I can’t cope with them being around my ds. They say bad things to other kids in the family about their parents and I cannot have this toxic behaviour around my child.

im upset. I made it clear to DH that I’m annoyed.
now my friend has told me to bring my ds with me to the hen, it’s a quite, civil and elegant hen rather than a wacky one. Plus I’ve organised it.. so it’s close enough for me to come home each day.

I told DH I will be taking baby especially now his parents are trying to having a weekend with them explicitly without me.

previously DH has told his parents they need to work on rship with me to have rship with our DS.
both mil and fil are unreasonable. I have been to hell and back because of them, therapy, doctors, hospital. It’s been a really emotionally abusive relationship. And twice I’ve been physically hit by them. NOT OK.

I am here trying to protect my world and my sanity. DH said he didn’t know it was meant to be kept secret (lies, I have messages to prove I asked several times)

AIBU?
I admit I shouldn’t have looked at the message. But I’m glad I did now.

in sucha rut. Feel so down.

They hit you?
Why on earth would DH and you continue to have contact?? He needs to set better boundaries.

Of course YANBU keeping yourself and DS safe. How come you let them hit you twice and didn't go to the police?

I'm caveating this with only knowing one side of the story, but from what you've said, it seems fair enough.

I can't believe you'd remain in a relationship with a man who still speaks to his parents after they abused you so horribly.

Honestly, I can't fathom it.

So once it was a hair pull and the second time soemthing was thrown at me.

I didn’t go to the police because they denied it entirely and I was younger and naive.

Trust me I nearly walked out of my marriage for these incidents.

DH wants to keep parents in our lives. Even more now we have DS.

they think they don’t have enough time with my child, but there’s clear reasons for that. They are not respectful of boundaries nor want me in the room when they’re around DS. I’m a fool as I keep thinking they’ll change one day. And I keep trying because DH Asks me too. He’s a bit naive too, he has been conditioned his whole life to think th way he’s been brought up and treated is normal. Now he knows it’s not but he still wants to see a relationship with his parents

@Wolfiefan the issue is they don’t understand boundaries. They’re controlling and narcissists.

took me some time to figure them out.

I did tell them straight that they are never to touch me ever again

They can have as many issues as they like. The only sensible response is for DH to step in and say if they behave like that then they will be excluded from all contact with him, you and your child. This isn’t just an IL issue. It’s a DH one too.

You have a dh issue here I’m afraid why’s is he still in contact with them?

Sil and her husband turned terribly abusive on me one day it was a completely vicious verbal attack plenty of threats made towards me, my husband hasn’t spoken to them coming up 2 years…..and understands that just because they are blood means absolutely nothing towards disgusting behaviour.

I would be giving ultimatums here they are violent and your husband isn’t taking steps to safeguard you child.

I find your husbands behaviour bizarre.

If my in laws physically attacked me as you said and he didn’t cut them off, my bags would of been packed.

Another one who's wondering why you're still with your DH if he stood there doing sweet fuck all while your ILs physically hit you not once, but twice?

yikes. I totally hear where you’re all coming from

However; my DH has lived with those people his whole life. It was only until we moved out that he realised what abuse he had gone through himself.
I agree he should cut them out but I don’t want to be the one to tell him and he then resents me for losing his family for the rest of his life.

I suppose when you’re conditioned to think a certain way and be a certain way you don’t realise what’s going on until it’s pointed out to you

You can’t sit around and wait for him to realise this is messed up (whilst they abuse you.)

They have physically abused you and your Dh wants to stay in contact with them especially since you now have a child.

I would say quite the opposite to be honest.

And my priority would be ensuring my child was never left with these people.

If your dh doesn't have your back I'd be out of there.