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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that MIL and FIL won't invite us to stay now we have DS?

23 replies

fym · 22/02/2008 09:33

We used to visit MIL and FIL before we had DS 2-3 times a year (they live abroad) We were regularly invited and have a good relationship. They would also visit us 2-3 times a year.

Once DS arrived (now 2.3) we haven't been invited once! In fact we still see them as often but its always at our house (about 6 weekends a year)!

I'm happy to invite them/see them but its a lot of work having them here with meals, cleaning and bedlinen etc and they often bring their kids as well and I'd like a break!

Not only that but my not-so-subtle hints that we'd love to come have been ignored!

What should I do - I don't want to ruin the relationship, but I'm really fed up being 'put upon'.

BTW I have made it clear that we can travel and have all the baby travel gear etc.....but still no invite - we haven't been for nearly 3 years

There is a possibility BIL has had a hand in this as he tells everyone he can that DS is a tearaway and breaks everything (he doesn't - he's remarkably well behaved in other peoples houses!)

ADVICE PLEASE!

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 22/02/2008 09:39

just ask them which week they are next available for you all to visit?
Surely they have now met your ds so should know what he is like..?

LilRedWG · 22/02/2008 09:43

I'm with DDF! Get your DH to ask them straight out when you can come and stay.

Dropdeadfred · 22/02/2008 09:45

or next time they suggest visiting you just say 'oh we were just thinking, it's surely our turn to visit you..?'

Original poster

fym · 22/02/2008 09:49

Drop dead - have done that..... about 6 times now - it's getting embarrassing!

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 22/02/2008 09:49

YANBU. Agree with DDF. Subtlety is not working, so you need to invite yourself - and why shouldn't you.

collision · 22/02/2008 09:51

what does your DH say about it?

chopchopbusybusy · 22/02/2008 09:51

OK cross posts. They come to you for about six weekends a year. Do you invite them each time? Or do they just invite themselves?

Dropdeadfred · 22/02/2008 10:07

Well to help morewe need to know what their response is.? Do they turn you down flat? make excuses?

Original poster

fym · 22/02/2008 10:23

Ok well everytime the subject comes up I say something like "oh no we'll come to you, we haven't been to see you for ages"

which is always either completely ignored or with a response like "oh-no-its-too-much-trouble-for-you-we'll- come-to-you-next-weekend-ok-fine-see-you-then" (all without pause for breath or waiting for an affermative response!)

I tried a couple of weeks ago with a "Hi its about time we visited you - we haven't been for 3 years - when are you free in the next couple of weeks" and have ended up with them again coming to see us!!! - they said they'd think about it then phoned back to say they'd visit us!

I've got the house in a mess and we're decorating (I did say this) but no joy....

OP posts:

hifi · 22/02/2008 10:24

where have they got the idea ds breaks everything?
my friend came with dd and 2 kids for xmas 2 years ago. they trashed the house, paintwork, carpets, cooker, dd toys.
she has constantly hinted she wants to come again but im too much of a woos ton tell her why she cant. she has invited me over, but i make excuses because i dont want them here.

Original poster

fym · 22/02/2008 10:30

BIL tells everyone he's a terror, due to the fact they don't have kids and their friends have a girl who isn't crawling or walking at a year old.

He's just a normal active little boy who crawled early (5 months - this isn't a competitive parenting thread I think anyone who's kids are late movers are dead lucky!!!) and was into everything as a result.

He's never broken/damaged anything in anyone else's house....

OP posts:

Original poster

fym · 22/02/2008 10:32

although BIL does tell people he breaks everything everywhere he goes..... (we found this out during a family row last Easter )

OP posts:

dippydeedoo · 22/02/2008 10:44

i think u need to be straight with them tell them your ds is well behaved IF thats why their reluctant to invite you if not you need to have it out straight with them-you cant keep acting as a guest house with no favours in return-imo its downright rude of them to behave like this if your ds is a tearaway and they dont feel they want to invite u to theirs they should not come to yours!! we lived on the nofolk broads for some time(not on the broads near it) and had visitors all summer and its not easy being bed breakfast and evening meal.

lizziemun · 22/02/2008 10:47

I would say 'oh no you came last time, lets come to you so DS can see where his nanny and grandad^ live.

Alternativly always be busy when they are asking to visit.

Dropdeadfred · 22/02/2008 10:54

Outright is the only way..I would say DH and I were reminiscing recently about how many times we visited you and what a lovely time we used to have...why do you never inviteus anymore?

Alternatively next time they say they are coming over here say 'oh well if your place is empty we will go and stay there!! We're dying for a trip abroad....'

EffiePerine · 22/02/2008 10:59

How old are they? We have this with an elderly relative we used to visit a fair amount - he just stated that after DS was born we were better off staying with my MIL which was a bit hurtful as we were very close before. I think the stress of having children in the house can loom large for some people, esp if they are the worrier type.

Not sure what you can do to change this, maybe stay somewhere near and pop in for an afternoon and take it from there? Or not possible? We've more or less lost contact with our relative, for various additional reasons, which saddens me.

doggiesayswoof · 22/02/2008 10:59

Don't discuss on the phone. Next time they are visiting you, bring it up - be nice but direct - and say 'We were just talking about visiting you and I realised we have not been to see you for 3 years! Why don't you invite us any more?'

And don't let them change the subject.

doggiesayswoof · 22/02/2008 11:02

Maybe Effie has a point? Maybe they think it will be a strain if there's a lo in their house? We do go and stay with MIL, and her husband (who has "bad nerves" ) spends most of the time in his room "having a lie down"

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 14:20

They couldn't be that old if they bring their kids with them!

nappyaddict · 22/02/2008 14:43

could you stay in a nearby travelodge?

Kimi · 22/02/2008 14:44

Stop letting them come to you.

Once the get the message that unless they are prepared to return the hospitality then they can not treat you as a hotel.

Original poster

fym · 22/02/2008 14:59

Thanks all for the advice - I took the bull by the horns and said - "we'd like to come over Easter weekend - are you free"

bit hesitant but we're going so just need to make sure DS behaves like an angel

Suggestion on how to tire out a 2 yr old please - they have a big garden!!

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 22/02/2008 15:01

can you he throw/catch? if so piggy in the middle is great for tiring them out as is football! get him a space hopper - also very good for tiring them out.

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