Sending DC to secondary where no friends are going?

[babbscrabbs]

DC is a great kid but struggles a bit socially (he has mild SEN). He's not bullied but only really has two good friends at school and none outside. He also has some physical differences which could mark him as a target.

One of his friends is going to a fee paying secondary - this one is not an option for us.

The other is most likely going to a good school we have only a slim chance of getting into due to catchment area. I also have some reservations about sending him with this friend.

I don't consider him to be a particularly good friend to my child but maybe I'm expecting too much of a 10yo. He can be critical, juvenile and more recently even bordering on unkind towards my DC but they do also have fun together. He also copies ideas from my DC at school but because he doesn't have the same SEN my child has he can then execute them more successfully. This doesn't seem to bother my DC though (it bothers me more!).

The other school in the area is where half my DC's class (who he knows but is not friends with) will go but due to catchment this will include a lot of the "bad eggs".

We don't really have time to move house before applying and there's v little on the market.

WWYD? AIBU to send him to the "rough" school without any friends but some kids he knows? Or try to get into the "good" school even though he may stay latched on to this one friend, who I don't think is particularly kind? I have a feeling the friend would quite possibly shake him off anyway 🫤 - and the chances of us getting in are already low.

Or do we try to move / rent in another area before October?

Make the decision that gives your child the best environment.

I sent my DD14 to a different secondary school from all her friends because of her SEN ADHD and ASD. She is bright but needed small classes, a small school with good pastoral care. The large classes and noise of her primary school was definitely a challenge for her.

She is thriving.

Centre what he needs rather than the friends thing.

Thanks - where do you find a small secondary school?! Doesn't seem to be a thing anywhere around me (unless independent)

My son has ASD (adult now) but my advice would be to look for a school that has a good SEN provision. My son's school had a building especially for the students who found lunchtimes difficult. It was supervised by the SEN coordinator and they could read, play chess etc or just chat, and were less likely to be bullied in there. Also ask about after school clubs as that is a way for your son to make friends with other students who share the same interests.

There are 2 secondary schools nearish me and DD went to the one most of her close friends from primary school were going to. Within the first few days, they dumped her and she made totally new friends. it all worked out great and she’s done well at the school.

But my advice is don’t make a decision on schools based on where primary school friends are going.

Well, personally I would go for the "good" school and not worry about the tricky friend, but it sounds like you're unlikely to get that school anyway?

The ‘good’ one. Honestly the influence a small minority of kids can have on the rest and the whole environment is shocking. The friend thing will evolve and play out over time.

You chose the school that will be the best fit for your child, where his friends go is irrelevant.

I’d try for whichever one has the best SEN provision and the best pastoral care. I’ve a DC with SEN, and that was the biggest thing we considered when looking at secondary schools.

I wouldn’t make a decision based on where his primary school friends are going - even if he goes to the same secondary school, there’s no guarantees that he’ll share any of the same classes or that the friendship will continue throughout secondary school.

@babbscrabbs I found a small affordable private school for her, most of them do school fees plan which means I pay monthly. It's financially draining as I'm a lone parent but it was the best option.

Another friend got their child into one out of catchment as she needed small classes etc too but she had to go through appeal twice.

Thanks did your friend have EHCP?

Whilst I still kept in touch with my friends from primary school they weren’t in any of the same classes as me, so my best buddies when I went up to secondary school were all new friends I made.
I’d say go to whatever school is best for your son, don’t worry about friendships. If they’re good friendships they’ll keep in contact anyway but they could drift apart or not be in any of the same classes anyway even if they do go to the same school.

I was the only pupil from my primary school to go to my secondary school, and the prospect did bother me; I knew I'd be OK in lessons, but my friends were going elsewhere, and I fretted about breaktime.
However, my DM suggested taking a favourite book to read, and that led me to make my first friend, another "bookish" sort, and we soon found some kindred spirits.
You say that he has good ideas; how about thinking out some "icebreakers" in advance?

Yes you're right so decision may be made for us. The schools round here really are crap.

I think the other "bad" school may have better SEN provision, for outing reasons it's really hard to tell, but that's because they have an intake with lots of children with SEMH issues.

Has anyone managed to get their DC into an oversubscribed / out of catchment school with good sen facilities WITHOUT an EHCP? I know some take exceptional circumstances into account but according to LA website none round here do.

I worry because a friend sent her DC with similar needs to a school without knowing anyone and she literally didn't speak to another pupil until Easter term and has made no friends in y7 whatsoever. Meanwhile her primary friends have moved on.

I'd send him to the better school if you can. The chances of him being put in the same class as his friend will be slim, so he'll hopefully be making new class friends anyway.

Aside from predetermined with statement/EHCP I let them choose their own secondary schools. My eldest specifically chose a school no one from primary was going to, I had to appeal to get him in but won.

@babbscrabbs yes my friends child did have an EHCP

What does your DS think?

DC sorry

You need to visit every school on the vicinity that he can get to daily (obvs excluding fee paying). Ses how they feel to you. Can you see ds settling there? How are the SEN provisions? How are the extra curricular stuff?

Don't factor in friendships. He can and will find his tribe where ever he goes, with some effort.

Then, when you apply, put your genuine favourite first. Make sure opt2 or opt3 is a failsafe get in school that you are ok about. Pick a third school for the last slot. Then keep your fingers crossed he gets what you want.

But take friendships off the table.