Dd constantly ruining plans

[BorisJohnsonsMissingComb]

I don't mean that to sound as awful as it does. Dd 14 months has had endless illnesses since starting nursery and her sleep is all over the place. She sleeps so badly that it's affecting her during the day - she's always grumpy and sometimes won't even eat through tiredness.

My older dc is 12 and is home this weekend (goes to his dads EOW) and id hoped that we'd all go swimming and to the park as it's a nice day. Last night I was up multiple times with dd who had diarrhoea. We're all exhausted and obviously can't go swimming now she's got diarrhoea. I feel guilty towards ds who I'm very aware isn't going to want to do family stuff at the weekend for much longer.

Dd is knackered but not poorly to the point that she doesn't need entertaining. She's currently climbing all over me crying while ds is on his PlayStation.

I just feel like there have been so many weekends where our plans have had to change and i get that unpredictability is part and parcel of life with kids but I can't help feeling gutted and guilty towards ds. And just sick of spending every day at home with a sick or overtired baby crying at me :-(

The 12 year old will remember, the 14 month old won't. So leave her with her dad.

Yes I know. I'm really sleep deprived and feeling shit so I haven't written or worded this the best. I'm struggling. I haven't slept a full night since she's been born and am now battling an endless stream of illnesses. Sorry if it came across badly.

Agreed I would move away from this mindset asap it's a one way path to him resenting his little sister if you're framing it as we can't do this because she's poorly when what you actually mean is we can do this im just choosing not to because I feel guilty leaving her.

I'm pleased you're going to take him swimming but please consider what your actions of prioritising your daughter are saying to your son in future.

It seems to me that what you really mean is that your daughters illnesses and lack of sleep have left you on your knees exhausted and you maybe don’t feel up to the problem solving of taking ds by yourself and arranging for your husband to stay with dd. It’s easier to cancel and let ds play his x box.
Be kind to yourself. You can’t do everything 💕
Something needs to give. I don’t think it should br time with your son though. Perhaps it’s time to have a chat with your husband about how much toll the lack of sleep is having on you snd that you feel your relationship with your son is suffering…hopefully (as you say he is supportive and competent) he will step up and perhaps take over nights with the little one on weekends your son is there so you can catch up on sleep and have energy to do more with him?

In the gentlest way, it sounds as though you are ‘ruining everything’ by stopping your sons activities because you won’t leave your DD with her dad.

If she’s a bit poorly or hasn’t slept well then fresh air and exercise will do her the world of good.
Perhaps you could go for a walk and your DS can take his bike and have a ride about whilst your DD explores.
Then she’ll be tired out and sleep better and you could take DS to the cinema or somewhere this evening.

Many of us have been there, I didn’t take anything by your wording, it’s relentless battling minor illnesses with little ones. I remember about 4 months on the trot feeling the same having to cancel things I was really looking forward to because the kids were both ill at the same time. It CAN feel like they’re spoiling things and obviously at the same time we can also understand it’s not their fault!
It’s okay to vent, enjoy your swim.

The baby requires a lot of constant, day-to-day care and presumably you bond with her by doing that. Your DS, on the other hand, requires much less and your high quality bonding time with him will be the activities or other fun things you do with him. I'd definitely prioritise spending an hour or two doing something with him over all day looking after the little one - your DD will still have you for most of the day and she'll be fine with her dad, but otherwise you miss out on the most important time of the week with your DS.

@BorisJohnsonsMissingComb

I get it you're exhausted and a swim is probably unappealing to you now. Is there anything more low energy that DS might prefer to do 1:1? Ask him

Can your son go swimming with a friend?

I had assumed from your first post that you were single and DD dad was not in the picture. Knowing that he is your current partner and quite capable Im very confused as to why you wouldn’t leave her and go swimming with your DS? You only see him half the weekends so it seems sensible to make the most of your time together, as I imagine weekdays are generally busy with usual stuff like school/work/sport/etc.

Your DD needs to get used to wanting other people besides you. She has a second equally loving and competent parent, so her desire for you is based in habit not need. Far better for her to be looked after by her dad than an overtired mum who feels torn in two. Your DS is as important as your DD and actually has less of you because he's not always around. Don't feel guilty about giving him time. He needs to feel he matters too.

Asked ds if he wanted to go swimming, he said his friends are all at the park and he'd rather go out with them. So at least he's out having fun but still not spending any time together :-(

Looks like swimming is off the cards but we will do some baking and go for a walk or bike ride together later.

It has been a rough few months. We have plans for summer, a few staycations and family festivals booked and I just hope dd will be ok for things like that. Luckily this weekend has fallen on a quiet weekend.

I do try to over compensate with ds partly because he's not here EOW and also because I never want him to feel pushed out now that the baby has come along. But he's also getting to the age where he wants to be out with friends doing his own thing.

I hear all the comments about dd staying with her very capable dad and I do agree. But when you've had no sleep and the plans have all been changed it's hard to reset sometimes. Anyway we will hopefully get out for our Father's Day lunch and walk tomorrow as planned.

But what about your son? He wants to do things with you, so does your daughters wants trump your sons?

Your daughters dad is there, let him take care of her whilst you go away and do fun things with your son. As you said, there will come a time when your son doesn’t want to spend the weekend with you, he will be away with his friends, and that time will be here before you know it so use the time wisely.

Go do something special with your boy and enjoy yourselves

@Achwheesht it's just the way our weekends have fallen. I didn't get to spend Mother's Day with him either. He took his card and presents to his dads yesterday. It's a commercial day really isn't it and his dad has no plans so not a big deal.

I can't help but feel like the 14 month old hasn't ruined the weekend by being sick, it's on you for cancelling everything and refusing to leave for a couple of hours with her other parent.

If you really can't go you can also do nice things with DS at home. Even just play PlayStation with him? (Not my idea of a good time either but quality time on their terms is good.) Do his fave tea?

She clearly hasn't ruined anything, it's just my poor use of wording because I'm knackered and frustrated and feeling shit and inadequate. As I've said I'll be doing something with ds later. The original plans of us all going swimming had to be cancelled because I can't take a toddler with diarrhoea swimming. And then ds decided he'd rather go to park with his mates than swimming anyway. So we will reevaluate and do something different later.

@Achwheesht how is that relevant to this post?

Not sure why you're pushing this. It's completetly irrelevant. Contact arrangements are usually set so that people can manage their work and other commitments. I've spent many Mother's days away from my kids, we just celebrate it on a different day. Noone is sad and it's not a big deal.

Oh, and it's none of your business.

I'm glad your DS had a nice day with friends and hope you got to rest a little too.

Were you single and bringing up DS by yourself for a while? I've been a single parent a long time and think I would probably find it hard to hand over the reins to a new partner and let them look after their baby just because I'm so used to doing things on my own. If DH can look after DD today and you can get some sleep that would probably be really good for you.