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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to make an effort

24 replies

summerdreamz23 · 17/06/2023 09:17

Just a heads up don't read if you're having your breakfast 😃
Please tell me I'm not been unreasonable here as I'm been made out to be by my husband.
We haven't had sex in a few weeks various reasons, work, kids, sickness ect. So last night he suggested sex. Now I knew he hadn't had a shower all day, he had had one the night before (Thursday night) he had been on a train to work and home again and personally I felt it was a bit grim considering it's about 25 degrees out but didn't want to hurt his feelings so I suggested he freshen up first in the shower and I'd be upstairs shortly. I had already had a shower that morning and evening (wouldn't normally have two a day) and tbh I wouldn't have minded if he had had a shower that day. He then went off on one saying he wasn't going to have a shower, he had had a shower 26 hours ago Blush and he wouldn't mind if it was the other way round to which I replied well I do mind and he has things he doesn't like which I respect. I pulled him up on this saying firstly I'd never not have a shower once a day. I spend money and time on myself getting various hair, nails and waxing appointments sorted which I do for me but I do feel better in myself for it and I like to make the effort. He told me that it's unhealthy to have a shower every day, years ago people were lucky to have a bath once a week. Needless to say sex didn't happen and I'm heading away with work today for a few nights.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 17/06/2023 09:22

Personally I think you are well within your rights to ask him to have a shower after that amount of time, heat and activity.

I wonder why he got so defensive?

Thing is you are no longer a 20 year old who can't wait to rip clothes off and not even think about when your boyfriend last had a shower!

Does he normally shower every day? You would think he would want to. Five minutes to get clean and have sex? Where's the issue? 😄

DustyLee123 · 17/06/2023 09:23

He’s grim. I wouldn’t even sleep next to that, never mind have sex with it.
If this is a real thread.

Gettingbysomehow · 17/06/2023 09:24

If he was my husband I wouldn't be having sex with him ever. If he thinks it's ok to get in the tin bath once a week he can get back to the 1800's.
I'd tell him outright that he stinks.

Original poster
summerdreamz23 · 17/06/2023 09:27

100% real unfortunately. The thing is he doesn't smell bad but it's the fact that I know he hasn't had a shower that day at all plus all the travelling to and from work which puts me off completely.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2023 09:30

It's very sad and quite telling that your husband has so little consideration for your feelings. Asking him to have a wash after not bathing for over a day, before he sticks his penis inside of your body, is a very small ask.

Isheabastard · 17/06/2023 09:37

He should have jumped straight in the shower.

Next time lie and say he smells/has BO.

You shouldn’t have to lie but some men are just dicks.

Darby3785 · 17/06/2023 09:50

My husband isn't the best at showering either. It's frustrating. He went to play squash last night and came home, no shower.....I tell my husband it's grim and he has a go at my teenage son for the same thing but he doesn't do it himself 😂 when I tell my husband he smells, he says he doesn't, but I can smell sweat, not bad but he is a little ripe. He says it must be me! 😬 I'm like you I make an effort with my appearance so I don't understand his lack of effort.

You need to have a conversation about how his lack of hygiene is affecting your sex life. Men do get defensive if they feel they are being cornered (or know their wives are right 😉)

TomatoSandwiches · 17/06/2023 09:53

So, disrespectful, if he can't be bothered to have a 5 minute shower, then he obviously didn't want sex that badly.

jeaux90 · 17/06/2023 10:13

Not only is it gross it's entitled.

PuffinsRocks · 17/06/2023 10:24

Go without a shower for four days then ask him to go down on you. 🤢 << not envy.
If that doesn't get the point across nothing will.

Original poster
summerdreamz23 · 17/06/2023 11:38

Thank you everyone for the replies, he's not talking to me this morning because I caused this fight.

OP posts:
NewbieSM · 17/06/2023 11:56

He sounds like a prick, do NOT apologise. My husband showers everyday and always has a quick rinse before we have sex as I have issues with recurrent utis and he has respect for me. Also he's not a grubby bastard. You a definitely not unreasonable

raspberrywine · 17/06/2023 11:58

Not showering and being unreasonable is totally off-putting. But I think you have bigger issues if he's not talking to you. Is that usual for him? How long does the silent treatment last?

Lilly0909 · 17/06/2023 15:06

That is so gross. When I first got with my partner I just gritted my teeth through the disgusting smell and even got thrush a couple of times, not anymore. If he doesn't shower just before sex then it's awful. I have to make him shower every time before now and he understands that or he'll have a shower and THEN try it on with me.
Your husband is acting awfully and should respect you. Perhaps explain to him how sensitive our internal plumbing is so at least he'll consider how his hygiene affects you

BHRK · 17/06/2023 15:08

Gross. No way would I want sex with my husband if he had t showered that day

TomatoSandwiches · 17/06/2023 16:17

summerdreamz23 · 17/06/2023 11:38

Thank you everyone for the replies, he's not talking to me this morning because I caused this fight.

No, he and his filthy arse, selfish behaviour and lack of respect for his wife caused this.

This wasn't caused by you at all, no matter how much he sulks and refuses to say sorry for being a dirty bastard.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 17/06/2023 16:32

This is rank! My husband and I always have sex in the evenings after both of us have had a bath or shower. If we had one in the morning I guess evening sex would be ok but our routine is evening showers. Even though I don’t smell down there, it’s still a little sweaty and oh I dunno, just nicer when fresh and clean! If I told my DH to shower first he would be mortified and do it right away! No one wants to touch, have inside them or worst of all suck a penis that’s been in sweaty pants all day!!

Jesscococolake · 17/06/2023 16:52

Why wouldn’t he just jump in the shower for 3
mins !?? He was on a promise ! Mental.

He caused the argument - not you.

CalistoNoSolo · 17/06/2023 17:16

The only time DP and I don't shower before sex is when we have it first thing in the morning. I was married to someone with poor personal hygiene and it was a big factor in killing the relationship. To me not bothering to smell and look nice for your partner is pretty disrespectful.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 17:20

My dh would have done a back flip in the shower cubicle if he was on a promise!

billy1966 · 17/06/2023 17:21

raspberrywine · 17/06/2023 11:58

Not showering and being unreasonable is totally off-putting. But I think you have bigger issues if he's not talking to you. Is that usual for him? How long does the silent treatment last?

This.

How entitledof him to think that you have no right to have a preference for him to be fresh.

Ick.

HolyFire · 17/06/2023 17:23

26 hours? In this weather! And he thinks that’s reasonable? Gross.

GrumpyPanda · 17/06/2023 17:36

He's right daily showers aren't strictly necessary and can cause skin problems - had this straight from a proper dermatologist when I developed eczema in my 20s. But totally absurd to bring it up in the context - worrying even. Doesn't he get it's not about collecting his marital dues from an unwilling/indifferent/whatever partner, but about putting you in the mood and making himself attractive to you? Oh, and in the unlikely case he's got actual skin problems - time to use shower oils and similar to re-lubricate.

Buildingthefuture · 17/06/2023 18:22

Grim and totally unreasonable of him! My DH weirdly never smells. He can work all day in the garden, sweat like anything, and afterwards, still smell totally fresh. No idea why, but he would still shower on an evening, regardless of whether we were going to have sex or not!

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