Utter cow of a 'friend'

[Gettissuesgotissues]

I recently found the strength to leave my abusive DH after years. Someone I thought of as a good friend who has supported me through it all has really shown her true colours, telling everyone about the situation (and I can only assume has been telling them personal details previously). This has led to people sending me messages of support, for example other parents from school who I'm not that close with. She's clearly painted me as a poor victim who needs support, when the opposite is true, as although it's hard I've never been happier. AIBU to be pissed off? It makes me feel like a poor victim, it's my news to share if I want to (and I don't particularly want to with acquaintances, it makes me feel very awkward). One even came to speak to me at school pick up today! It's kind of nice they care, but seriously? Can anyone relate? What would you do?

Well done for finding the strength to leave,now keep that strength and tell your friend you are unhappy that she broke your confidence and that you feel you can no longer trust her.
Ask her why she did it.her answer will tell you if you can remain friends.💐

Is there a chance she thought she was helping? 😬

I’ve been in a similar situation, but in a different scenario. I felt I could no longer trust the person who spread the personal information about me. It was the same in that she painted a ‘poor FernDaisy’ picture. I felt like I was strong all things considered, but she made me feel weak and I hated that everyone was talking about me, and almost patronising me. I understand how you feel, it’s not nice. I distanced myself from the person and didn’t trust her again afterwards. It doesn’t help though, because the genie can’t be put back in the bottle.

so sorry OP and congratulations

Talk to her straight. she may have asked lots of people to message for support. Definitely overstepping but not friendship ending

Sounds like she’s painted herself as your saviour. Definitely caller her out on it.

I'd be acting confused. In response to messages 'Yes of course I am fine, why do you ask' or 'Sorry, I dont know what you mean!'

Same in person 'Thanks for the concern but I am fine! Not quite sure what you're referring to!' etc.

You were a victim, for several years.

It’s not on for your friend to tell people without your permission but you do need to recognise it and give yourself time to process.

it really isnt her place to tell anyone let alone random mums at school

how dare she

Could it be that she just shared her concerns for you with one other person, and then that person told another, etc.? Obviously she shouldn't have shared your private affairs OP, but perhaps it isn't her that's told everyone. Maybe someone even saw you on a bad day, perhaps you weren't looking quite your normal self for some reason, and asked her if you were OK? Just possibilities that I thought might be worth mentioning. However, that said, I would definitely ask her why she felt she needed to tell people about your situation, and tell her that in future, she'd be wise to keep her own counsel when she's in possession of information about someone's personal life. Also, when someone asks if you're OK, tell them, you feel great, best thing you've ever done!

You're totally not BU here
It was YOUR personal information to share, when and where and with you, you wanted to share it with.

It wasn't up to her to decide who needed to know and who needed to support you.
In your position, I would be now looking her in a different light and be careful about how much I told her. I think your title of 'Utter cow of a 'friend' is actually accurate!
And I so wish you the very best in life after leaving your abusive huband - that takes courage! You have such courage - don't let anyone throw you off track! xx

@UpaladderwatchingTV
Could it be that she just shared her concerns for you with one other person, and then that person told another, etc.? Obviously she shouldn't have shared your private affairs OP, but perhaps it isn't her that's told everyone. Maybe someone even saw you on a bad day, perhaps you weren't looking quite your normal self for some reason, and asked her if you were OK?

The fact that this even occurs to you as an explanation makes me think that you're the sort of 'friend' the OP is talking about ........

Well, she supported you didn’t she? Is it really true colours that she may or may not have told people something? Some people are good in lots of ways but by god they can’t keep their mouth shut. You can love these people for all the good they do and realise they can’t keep a secret and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

Alternatively, she may have told one person and that person broke HER confidence, or she may have shared very vague details - e.g. that you were going through a break-up, but not shared the full story.

It’s always best to pause before jumping to the worst possible conclusion about someone. It’s hard to find people who would support a friend through a horrible break up. I would personally give such person a lot of benefit of the doubt before binning their friendship!

If by that sort of “friend” you mean someone who pauses to look at all sides of the story rather than jumping to conclusions then I think I would pick @UpaladderwatchingTV to be my friend!

@mosiacmaker absolutely, well said. 👌

@mosiacmaker

my friends know the difference and respect what I want to be public and what I want to be kept private - until I want it to be common knowledge.

@mosiacmaker surely ' someone who pauses to look at all sides of the story rather than jumping to conclusions' wouldn't broadcast private information??

Thanks for your support! It was definitely her who told everyone, people said to me 'x told me what happened with you and DH...' I think I will be civil with her but no longer confide. On reflection, she's on occasion shared info about other people, so I shouldn't be that surprised.

What a bitch in no way was this her place and it comes across more gossipy than concern! So sorry she’s done this op id keep my mouth firmly shut tbh I wouldn’t gossip about my worst enemy the way she has!

Hugs and remember its not you it was him you are a victim in this but people need to respect the fact that you want to deal with things in your own way and I doubt they have the qualifications to deal with any unwanted help or comments.

Anyone who thinks it’s ok to make this idol gossip is disgusting and im a firm believer in that old saying “for women who gossip about other womens misfortunes your own storms brewing!”.

let’s hope she never finds herself in a similar situation.

Congratulations!

Yeah I'd be annoyed

Just focus on your new, happy life. Congratulations!

I had a “friend” do this to me. The first time I confronted her and asked her not to talk to others about me again. She was very apologetic and assured me it wouldn’t happen again. But it did happen again, so I completely stopped the friendship. You needs friends you can trust.

Tbh it depends how much detail she went into and why she offered the information. There's a difference between her running round, seeking people out to pitch the victim narrative to.

On the other hand, people might have approached her, heard you'd left your husband or noticed you were out of sorts and said "oh is OP OK, she doesn't seem herself/I heard she left her husband" and your friend could have said something along the lines of "yes she did, it's been tough for her but she's holding up well"

You just need more context.

I've done this on several occasions,there was only one time that the person in question came back with a 'well I heard' response.

The rest of the time it was silence and a puzzled frown.

Sounds to me as if she's trying to help and pull on your support network. She's not a cow. She's concerned