To want to walk out?

[FedUpOfThis11]

I'm a nursery nurse. Today there was me and another worker in the room. She is very qualified but even she could not stop this kid from screaming at the top of his lungs. All he wants to do is be held, walk around with food and drink and basically goes into a meltdown whenever he gets told not to do something.
He was screaming constantly at the top of his lungs despite out efforts. My colleague was changing nappies and I was reading to a few of the other kids. I felt very unwell today but felt I had to come in.
The child went to the gate and continued yelling. One of the managers then comes in and asks me to move the kid from the gate as it isn't nice that he is standing there doing that. I explained the situation and the fact me and colleague both had to attend to the other 4 kids but she just said she knew it was hard but we had to stop him yelling by the gate.
I felt we were getting a telling off and my colleague looked close to tears.
Aibu to just want to walk out? The pay, conditions and being expected to work miracles is really too much now. Came home crying.
This kid has been like this for months now with no real signs of settling. Parents let him have what he wants when he wants which is why he tantrums so heavily with us. Aibu to just walk out as I have truly had enough ?

You have to pay attention to the other kids too. You cannot ignore them all the while day because this child is overwhelmed.

You clearly need more staff.

Your manager is being unreasonable...if the child literally does not settle for the whole day, their parents need to be called. It's horrible for them to spend the whole day screaming and crying.

I worked in a nursery for a time, years ago, we had one boy like this(he ended up having additional needs that nobody knew about at the time) it was horrifically stressful for the child and the workers( and the other children) It really came down to his parents needing to take him out of the nursery and getting him a nanny who could give him her undivided attention. It's not fair on anybody in this situation.

You cannot spend your whole day standing by this child. Speak to your manager, tell them you are struggling to care for all of the children equally and need them to manage the situation or tell you exactly what you must do.. ie..will you be happy if we ignore the needs of the other children for the bulk of the day to care for thus one child?

How old is it? He must only be around 2 if kids in the same age group are wearing nappies.
The ‘his parents let him have what he wants when he wants’ sounds pretty judgmental and uninformed. There’s literally no way you can know that.
Has the nursery been having updates with the parents to let them know he only screams all day? It’s very likely they would prefer to pull him from the setting if he isn’t settling. No one would want that for their child.

He is 1 and a half and the parents have given examples as to how they give into him. He screams and screams until they give in. Not me being judgemental, it's a fact. That's why we are struggling as he is getting one message at home and another with us.
@Notimeforaname Thank you, this is exactly like our situation. We are so burnt out and yes, we also believe this child has special needs but the parents not receptive to it. We simply cannot spend all day picking him up, cuddling him (He won't settle or play alone unless he has someone's undivided attention, will not even be happy with sitting next to them, he has to be touching. ) and it's just really frustrating that the manager said it isn't nice for him. Well of course it isn't and we are doing all we can but we are also only two people and cannot have all our attention on one child and ignore the others. It isn't fair. It felt so belittling to be honest when we are working so hard. Just isn't worth all the hassle.

his parents let him have what he wants when he wants’ sounds pretty judgmental and uninformed. There’s literally no way you can know that.

I disagree with this. Sometimes you can know.

I've worked with children whose parents would just stand outside the nursery for up to an hour in the mornings because the child "doesnt feel ready to go in yet" I'm talking toddlers.

Plenty of parents who would disregard rules about bringing in sweets and toys (comfort blankets teddies etc were fine) but some parents would tell us nope, this is what their child wants and they cant say no.

Sometimes we would be waiting to lock up and some parents would just stand there while their child continued to play and would jask the child if they wanted to go home...child would say no , carry on playing on the slides and parents would stand there smiling and shrugging saying "we must give them the choice, we do not force them to do anything". Eh no, you must pick your child up, kicking and screaming and leave so I can go home 🤣

*would just ask the child

We believe this child has special needs but the parents not receptive to it.

This was exactly our situation. After a couple months we all gently tried to bring this up to parents and they got extremely angry with us and told us we did not know how to care for their child child. They eventually hired a nanny (we had suggested this) but they said they took him out of our nursery because we were being cruel to him by not doing everything/giving everything they give to him🤦‍♀️ it just couldn't work like that with 11 other children in the room.

They have literally given examples of the times they have allowed him to have what he wants.
For example he wanted some more chocolate the other day, Mum said no but he yelled and shrieked until he got what he wanted. He now knows that when he wants something, that will do the trick.
He is never crying when he does this, just high pitched screaming which gets louder and louder the angrier he gets. It's just unbearable. Like I say, we are doing our absolute best, run ragged and then get made to feel like we are doing a crap job.

This doesn’t sound fair or good management of an early years setting. The other children are also being paid for and deserve the care that your nursery purports to offer. This child possibly needs additional care/1:1 and your manager should be explaining to the parents that this isn’t something your nursery is able to offer.

If there are lots of other reasons in addition to this that’s stopping your enjoying of your job then fair enough - just don’t cut off your nose to spite your face by walking out and losing your job in the difficult current economic climate (obviously if your circumstances allow you to then that’s a different matter). Plus this would not look good on your reference if you want future appointments in childcare. Good luck OP!

@Notimeforaname Exactly that. I think some parents are in denial. It just isn't fair on anyone this situation and personally I feel that the parents need to be brought into a meeting as it has been going on for months now and impacting on staffs mental health also. Nobody can listen to that noise for hours on end and not lose the plot. Of course we are used to crying when the child first starts and is finding their way but usually, we can get the child to settle down fairly quickly or after the initial settling in, they calm and end up enjoying it all but this is a different level. I honestly can't imagine walking into work again to do another shift. It is horrendous and today was just the final straw.

With all due respect, your manager was absolutely right that it isn't nice for the child.

Rather than just ignore the baby (because at 18 months, they're still only tiny), you could have held him until your colleague was back, then spoke to the manager about him not settling and asking for a plan. Even if that involves parents collecting him. You can't just leave him crying on his own then crying because the manager noticed that's not nice!

It sounds like you need to talk to the manager about your concerns. At the moment, the nursery setting isn't working for him.

As a side note, at 18 months, I highly doubt it's all just a result of their parenting. Most children won't scream for hours when there are toys around. I suspect there's more to it.

Do you have children? I only ask because I think your perspective changes when you've had kids and realise that not everything comes down to parenting. As a mum, i would also struggle to sit and read other kids a story, knowing another little mite was crying their heart out.

I agree @Allinadayswork80 . I feel guilty as the other children are being neglected and also, it's stressful for them listening to it all. They deserve better and we are failing them.
I just don't want to work in childcare anymore. It's a thankless role.

So are we meant to just hold him all day then @SchoolShenanigans ? Because as soon as we put him down, he starts up again.
He was literally screaming (not crying) for less than 2 minutes while a nappy was changed and I was attending to the other children who had been neglected for the best part of the day. Also, there are plenty of toys, options to go outside, options to nap when wanted, we tried him on the toy bikes. He wasn't having any of it. If anything he just got angrier the more we tried.
Yes, I do have a 3 year old boy of my own. I would not for one moment expect the staff to cater to him if this was the same scenario. I would remove him and find a childminder or nanny.

Have you ever worked in a nursery though?

I worked in private nursery for 4 years, mostly baby room. Despite charging the highest fees in the area we were ALWAYS short staffed. We would sometimes have up to 12 babies with just 3 members of staff.

Some children took much longer to settle than others, it's tough. It's hard for staff and it's hard for the child. But ultimately you do the very best you can, and sometimes that means a child can't be picked up immediately whenever they start to cry. It's not possible, sometimes you pick them up and they still don't settle.

Also management would absolutely not call home to tell parents their child is crying or has had a tantrum. We were expected to deal with it and be "positive" to the parents at pick up time. We weren't allowed to tell them "Jeremy has cried all day, I don't think he's settling in well".

I think you need to make clear to the management that this child is disruptive to the whole setting and all the children. If you were one of the other children’s parents and found that the staff were having to spend the vast majority of their time on one child what would you think? What would an inspector think? Therefore I think there are a couple of options - the management tell the parents of this child that this is not the place for him and ask them to remove him (could involve a brief loss of revenue if an replacement child could not be found) or they insist that the parents must pay extra for a one-to-one for this child. I do understand how draining it must be for you though and hope something resolves the situation

Have you tried telling the child off for bad behaviour? I'd make it very clear that this behaviour won't be tolerated. I think 18 months old is old enough to be told how to behave.

Yes we have tried that. He often just continues yelling, sometimes he will stop and listen but literally seconds later, he starts up again.
We cannot win whatever we try. It is mentally exhausting.