To think it’s not my responsibility to tell them

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We’re getting married this autumn, ‘eloping’ but not secretly - just going away somewhere lovely to marry and taking my parents and our ILs. Invite hasn’t extended to aunties, uncles, sibling. Sibling is not a nice person. Aunts and uncles live in the next town but we lost touch with them several years ago, nobody’s fault, we’re close enough to like the occasional Facebook post and wish happy birthday and so on.

Our friends know about our plans and are excited for us. My cousin and his wife are also right behind our idea and encourage us to just have a day that makes us happy, rather than spending thousands on a big day. It’s exactly what they did and they were happy about it.

One of the relatives who is coming with us has expressed they will find it awkward that nobody is going to know their daughter is getting married, because I’m not being very clear to people that those are our intentions. I haven’t really spoken to my sibling about it but we rarely speak and when we do they are very self focused and never take an interest about anything going on in my life, I presumed they are not interested (completely fine by me!). They have said it’s as if I’m trying to conceal it and they feel uncomfortable that not many family or friends know we will be getting married. They all know we’re engaged, so surely that’s the next best thing? I feel perplexed, I don’t know how I would tell them! Via Facebook status? Call them all and tell them? AIBU here?

That meant to say *my ILs, not our ILs obviously!

One of the relatives who is coming with us has expressed they will find it awkward that nobody is going to know their daughter is getting married, because I’m not being very clear to people that those are our intentions.

So it's your mum or dad wondering who's going to tell everyone you've got married?

Who's responsibility do you think it is to tell folks?

I mean, personally i find it odd you don't think it's yours ... surely you do your own ''we've got married'' announcements via however you ordinarily communicate be it text, phone, FB ect.

Or do you mean specifically your sibling who you don't talk to?

No, they more mean why haven’t I told them already?

Of course I would tell them all after if/when we see them. But I don’t see the use in reaching out to people who know nothing other about my life, just to tell them, by the way in a few months we’re getting married… what difference does it make to their life or mine?

I don't think I told my siblings I was getting married. Like you it was very low-key with his parents, mine and my grandmother. I think I left it to the parents on both sides to break the news (as I know DH wouldn't have told his sisters).

Perhaps mention to parents that they are free to let sibling know but you aren't in contact with sibling enough anymore.

Ah - ok, no i wouldn't make an announcement that you are going to get married. Especially if they're not getting an invite 😂 They might get their hopes up!

(My eldest is getting married soon and her Inlwas are pushing hard for the whole bloody world to be invited but DD and fiance only want parents and siblings - which is lovely and just fine IMO. And my inlaws were the same when i married DH!)

If your relationship with your aunts, uncles involves say happy birthday on FB then just post a nice picture after the wedding saying "We got married! A lovely day with our parents in XX."

Thank you, good idea

I agree with posting lovely pictures after the event. Telling people before would lead to awkward questions.

Just drop your sibling a text/WhatsApp unless there is a massive backstory and you are actually no contact. I have personal experience of a brother who has done this twice. I found out the 2nd time when I ran into a random acquaintance in the supermarket whose daughter was friends with my brother's step-daughter. It was embarrassing for me as I had no idea what she was talking about and made my family set up look really weird when she realised I had no idea what she was talking about. It turned out my mum knew and my brother had lied and told her he'd told his siblings. I couldn't have given a shit about going to the wedding but the weird secrecy and putting my mum in a very difficult position has had lasting impacts on my wider family. Don't make things difficult for your parents.

Could be hurtful to find out after the fact

So why aren’t your parents telling your brother? I get it, coming from a family with complicated communication, so understand the dynamics. I don’t understand why your parents are telling you to tell people. You mentioned it’s not a secret so I’d just let them know they are free to tell anyone they want and you’re sure you will mention it in conversation whenever the opportunity comes up.

Then yes, happy pics after the wedding on SM.

I would tell sibling beforehand I think. Something like 'Hi xxx, hope you are well. I just wanted to contact you to let you know some news. XX and I are getting married on XX date. We have decided to elope rather than having a big wedding, so we are going to have a tiny private ceremony abroad with just the parents as witnesses. I didn't want a fuss! I will share some photos with you after the day'. Or something like that. I think K I'd be hurt if found out after.

Aunties and uncles etc. Will probably be fine to tell after the event.