ND six year old saying she doesn’t like herself

[Memorybook]

I posted yesterday in behaviour / development but I didn’t get many replies, so I am posting here for traffic as I genuinely don’t know what to do.

DD (6) has what I suspect to be ADHD, and she’s homeschooled after a very disastrous reception year.

When things go wrong for her, she says she doesn’t like herself, that only bad things happen to her, etc.

I really don’t know what to do for her.

Where do I find help? A private psychologist? Can I go about getting her a diagnosis? How since she’s not at school? Is this normal?

I am not ND, neither is my older DD so I can’t relate to younger DD’s feelings. I am also very calm, do gentle parenting, make sure she doesn’t get “told off” a lot by those around her as she does act in a way that others would perceive to be bad (all this to help her not dislike herself).

Please help! Because she’s home schooled, I feel very so alone in it all.

She also begs for tv all the time - and for her sister’s computer games (that her sister couldn’t care less over) etc.

You can get an NHS referral for an assessment although in honesty it's a bit more difficult if you home-school and the wait is significant (years in many areas).
If you can afford a private assessment I would look in to it - if diagnosed ( and even if not) a report often highlight strategies that will help. Many diagnostic clinics also offer therapy.

Do you belong to any home-ed groups? They are most often filled with ND children and can be a great source of support.

I think I will look into a private assessment as I really need some help and quickly! I don’t want to fail her. Also I feel like I’m drowning. DH and I argue about poor DD a lot, the house is often discordant. Older DD often just wants some peace. I need some strategies. And I need to know what to do. Is she better off at school?

And will she grow up to be depressed? This is my biggest worry for her. I don’t know how to help.

My DD has been diagnosed as ADHD and is now on medication. I have seen such a massive change in her since. Since my DD's diagnosis I have realised that I am also ADHD (currently undergoing assessment). I have grown up with social anxiety and depression, just like your DD whenever anything went wrong I would say I hated myself, that is would be better of dead, that I'm useless. Mostly because I always thought why cant I do this when others can, now I know I feel like a weight has been lifted.
So get her diagnosed so she can understand herself and why her brain doesn't work the same way as others.

Dd has said before she wished she’d never been born. It’s awful. I spend a lot of time playing games with her like “I love x about my life / myself. Your turn” and she’ll do that happily (but often mentions TV rather than things about herself), just to boost her self esteem.

Okay I am googling private assessments now!

Did any lifestyle / tips / food / exercise whatever changes make any differences in the meantime?

We're waiting for an assessment for ASD for DS, and he often says similar things. He hates himself, wishes he'd never been born. I think it's partly because he feels so different from his peers and partly guilt over his meltdowns.

It breaks my heart, and he can not hear differently no matter how often we've spoken to him to reassure him. It's really hard.

I can't speak about the medical side of it, but generally day to day, I would be full of praise for the little things.

I love the way you helped me this morning.

You look great in that t shirt.

You really impressed me when you ,,,,,,,,

Not really. The main turning point for my DD was after her first appointment with her pediatrician and I sat her down and explained why we had gone for the appointment. I told her "we believe there is something else going on with you which is why you struggle more than some of your class mates" I also told her it wasn't something for her to worry about, that we would sort it and for her to just keep trying her best like she has been. That was when we first saw a difference in her. It has still been a long road though.

You've asked if she's better off in school but you also said that reception year was a disaster. What happened? Was the school helpful or not? Just wondering if there might be a chance of getting her back in school with the right school and the right support. However, if school is too much and she's been happier with home-schooling, stick with it.

I have a 6yo DS who is similar (suspected ASD and/or ADHD, regularly says that he hates himself and doesn't want to be alive). DS is at school and masks there - at a cost to himself (and us!)

Based on the research I've done and efforts I've made for DS so far, here are some suggestions:

• Reach out for support and advice, eg contact SENDIASS (even though your DD is not at school i'm sure they could advise and signpost), look up local organisations and groups for families with neurodiverse children, if you're on Facebook join groups for parents of children with SEND, flexi-schooling, etc... also look up Dr Naomi Fisher who is a child psychologist and does really good webinars.

• Find out the process in your area for getting a referral for assessment. It varies by area; in some places it has to go through the GP and in others through a school SENCO - if your child is homeschooled then it would be different. Ask SENDIASS or Google it. Either way you should talk to the GP and see if they will refer and what they suggest. There is also something called "Right to Choose" which means that if your GP agrees to refer and your local CCG funds it, you can get an assessment with any private provider that accepts NHS funding. It's another option if waiting lists locally are very long or if the thresholds for accepting referrals are very high.

• Consider the difficulties that your DD has and what kind of professional support might be helpful for her; if you can afford to fund it privately, you can put this in place now and don't have to wait for a referral/diagnosis. For example, find a child therapist who specialises in ADHD and neurodiversity. If she seems to have sensory behaviours/needs, an Occupational Therapy assessment could be very helpful. (My son's had some OT which has helped a lot. It's also evidence to add to the paperwork for a referral).

There is a charity called Place2Be that does therapy in schools, my DS has benefited from something similar (a local charity). Obviously that's not an option for your DD atm, but I think if you can find a child therapist then it should hopefully help.

This is good advice. It works for my DS. He doesn't really take it on board when we say we love him, we think he's wonderful, etc (he says "no you don't, you hate me" and "no I'm not, I'm stupid" ) but I think he does take in the feedback about smaller, specific things he does.

This is also a good resource (there was a webinar on ADHD & the early years recently, I think it's available to rewatch)

https://www.witherslackgroup.co.uk/advice-and-support/adhd/

What type of things are you arguing about with DH. Can she hear (for example after you think she is asleep if she sat on the stairs? I was acutely aware that I was a problem even though my parents (doing their very best not abusing) thought they hid that. Maybe you both need help as well.

I can imagine it’s hard sometimes to tell the difference but if DD is being naughty then a boundary is needed as well. I have ASD (I know it’s different) but I needed to know my parents were in control. If I knew something was naughty like all children I pushed the boundaries. If I sometimes got told off but make up afterwards then I also knew the praise was genuine.

My daughter has an ASD diagnosis and is exactly the same. Says she wishes she wasn't here any more, her life is awful and everyone is out to get her. It's heart breaking I just reiterate to her once she's in a better frame of mind that she is so loved and wanted.

My son was the same when he was seven.
Now he is adult he is confident and happy. I think it’s because he has many clever nerdy friends who study science and talk about science. He also does well in his niche competitive sport.

My nephew (I'm his guardian) started saying similar things around a year ago. He's 9 and not ND but has additional needs. It escalated with him repeatedly saying he was useless at the smallest trigger and he talked about wanting to die and other scary things. Obviously I was really concerned.
I found a play therapist privately who specialises in children with SEN and he started seeing her around 8 months ago. I actually wasn't sure how effective this had been as he just told me he played with puppets and I didn't get much feedback from her as sessions are confidential. However, yesterday I realised that he hasn't used those phrases in months - and he was calling himself useless multiple times a day when at its worst. So something must be going well!
It's quite expensive but if it's something you are able to access I would really recommend it. Best of luck.

I’ve got no advice, but following with interest. My 6yo daughter had her SENCO assessment in school today and I’m awaiting the outcome. I suspect ADD or discalculia. In the last 9 months her self esteem has taken a nose dive. She says she doesn’t understand anything, nobody understands her. Last night at bedtime she cried and said she feels like she’s nothing 😥
I think Y2 has been tough. It’s becoming apparent that she just doesn’t grasp certain fundamental concepts, whereas in reception and to some extent Y1 it went under the radar. She friends friendships hard too as she’s extremely sensitive. I’m not sure what to do next if they say there’s no underlying issues I can get her some support with. Private therapy is very expensive. I think I’ll check out Place2Be that a PP suggested.