To wish this didn’t affect my relationship with DM

[Focusninja20]

My relationship with my sibling is strained. They have many narcissistic traits and have bullied and belittled me (and by extension DH) for quite a few years now. Extremely manipulative and passive aggressive, very bold and confident about it. It reached the stage where preparing to see them at family gatherings and suchlike make me physically sick, so I’ve had to put some distance between us

Our parents have lately realised it is unacceptable treatment but refuse to challenge it, which is fine, as I don’t need or particularly want them to get involved.
It feels a little like they involve themselves the other way though as DM has been pressuring me to be the bigger person, go round and see them, take something for DN, I’ve barely seen DN and they’re growing up and changing, etc. Sibling has previously used DN as a bargaining chip which I really can’t stand. I get on extremely well with DM but feel as if she keeps me at arms length whenever I’m not putting up with my sibling, which feels wrong.

Is it understandable that she would do this? It hurts her that we aren’t close, but she doesn’t seem to address the source of the problem - despite being aware of it

AIBU to be a bit unhappy with it?

My advice would be to have a conversation with your DM and explain that it is very unfair that she is expecting you to be the bigger person here when you have been expected to put up with the bullying and belittleing for such a long time and expected to take it on the chin.
You're now taking steps to protect yourself and your family and you expect and actually now demand her support in that.
You're not looking for her to take sides or get in the middle of things but by her not intervening at an earlier state she has been complicit in allowing the bullying to continue. You were not supported or believed earlier and now that you are being believed, you now expect to be supported. That could be something as simple as keeping your sibling away from you at family gatherings, if that is what you want. That should at least making going to these a little easier. It should involve other parties telling your nasty sibling to stop. Your DM is keeping the wrong party at arms length.

I can't imagine how upsetting this must have been over the months/years but you now do have the power to put a stop to the way that you have been treated. The question is, will you demand that your mother start standing up for you instead of the nasty sibling?

Thank you, I want to do this I’m just so apprehensive of it affecting my relationship with her when it’s only just got to a good place as before then she believed my sibling’s narrative which was that they just wanted a happy relationship with me but I wasn’t interested (couldn’t be further from the truth). I don’t want to come across as manipulative or behave in any way similarly to my sibling if that makes sense. I do feel second fiddle, we don’t have DC yet - hopefully soon - but understandably my parents idolise DN but I feel they spend time with sibling and DN more so perhaps they’re more skewed in their favour. It’s not for lack of time trying but sibling is SAHP and I have a busy job. Just sucks sometimes!

It would be easier if I were more assertive that’s for sure