ADHD =/= arsehole.

[LookingForFreeDoughnuts]

The amount of times I read comments that assume a lazy, entitled, or even abusive person (often male partner/husband) must have ADHD is staggering. In various threads, across the board, I see it time and time again. (We could add ASD to this as well, but I've seen ADHD come up so often lately I'm focusing on that specifically)

This assumption is so, so damaging.

It's hurtful to anyone with neurodiversity. It damages children struggling in school, colleagues at work, family and friends.

ADHD doesn't mean someone isn't self aware and doesn't care about how they treat other people. It doesn't mean they can't work, or function day to day. It can make all this harder to achieve, and require a lot more effort than can be perceived by others.

But ADHD doesn't make someone an arsehole. Only arseholes do that.

Can we just STOP with the frequent suggestions that someone's unpleasant behaviour must mean neurodiversity? It's shockingly discriminatory.

Whilst I agree with you, my ex did have an ND condition diagnosed and was an abusive arsehole so I think the posts are trying to untangle how much some posters should try and give leeway for certain behaviours and what is just abusive.

Abuse becomes normalised a lot of the time and you become used to behaviour and that is always excused away by ND by the perpetrator, so I don't think that it is fair to say everyone is labelling, it's trying to understand why they are behaving in a certain way.

This

Thank you @LookingForFreeDoughnuts . My DS has ADHD and he's the loveliest most considerate young man you could ever hope to meet. Like you, I also see ADHD being used to explain every shitty behaviour going on MN and it riles people into assuming adhd = Selfish, narcissistic, arsehole.

As does 'mental health'. Mention mental health and you'll be forgiven for murdering your mother. Every and any failure on an individual's part is down to 'mental health' case closed.

It was a breath of fresh air when mental awareness all kicked off making people aware of the struggles of people with MH issues and they could help by just being kinder, more understanding, less judgemental and how to recognise symptoms early because an early intervention goes a long way to stopping Mental illlness escalating.
Now it's just all gone wrong. The definition of mental illness has become a catch all phrase for every emotion going. What happened to people just being sad or anxious and recognising that its just a temporary state of mind caused by events at that time and not a pathological illness?

Totally agree, in fact the RSD with ADHD makes me hyper aware if how my behaviour affects others and the guilt if upsetting people is debilitating.

It's so unfair when people say untrue and flippant things about ADHD (and other ND) as it shows just of ignorant and ableist they are.

I think a lot of this is based on the kneejerk urge that a lot of women have to let abusive, useless or neglectful partners off the hook.

You're absolutely right, of course, but it isn't just neurodiversity, its also "could he be tired?" "could he be depressed?" "could he be under lots of stress at work?" The answer to all of the above is possibly, yes, but none of this excuses him from being an arsehole.

A lot of women who are themselves in poor relationships read these threads, read people saying LTB and then read across to their own lives, in which they are constantly writing off and excusing this sort of shit behaviour.

So while I do understand why you find this offensive, I don't think it's particularly directed at people with ADHD or another form of neurodiversity, it's just the awful tendency of women to grasp at straws to excuse suboptimal partners.

People think these conditions are a excuse for bad behaviour and the amount of people I hear who have adhd/asd/bpd/bipolar and ocd (just because you clean your house means Jack shit I wish ocd was that simple)without even going to the dr never mind a diagnosis is ridiculous.

I also don't understand being, 'a little bit on the spectrum' or 'a little bit asd', 'a bit OCD'. What are these people talking about? do the people in question actually have a diagnosis or are these made up terms by armchair diagnosticians?

I find its mainly people who are ND or whose children are that offer the suggestion that the behaviour seen/experienced may be a result of one or other disorder.

That then is usually interpreted by others as 'excusing' the person because of a possible disorder and then round and round it goes.

Only someone who has no understanding of those conditions would say that.

There are things my dh does that I put down to his adhd (no attention to detail, hoarding based on hobbies he fixates on for example) that I would otherwise be more angry with him about, it's the ADHD "label" that shows me he's not just being a dick.

This is my ds.
But on here l see people talking about their dh. Then casually through the post they happen to mention that 2 out of 3 of their dc have autism. So many things relating to the dh screams of autism and l think : how on earth have you not even thought your dh also has autism? It is definitely worth exploring. I think it's completely OK for someone to suggest this as sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees. So suggesting something is not always a bad thing and to be honest it is often my first thought while reading. I work in this area and am familiar with it and have a ds with adhd..and possibly a dh..not diagnosed but since ds was diagnosed as an adult the penny is starting to drop.

Are you referring to the people saying, 'a bit xyz' or me? I can assure I have a very good understanding of those conditions and it's either you have it or not. You can't have 'a little bit' of it. I wish one could.

Yes 100%... my friend self diagnosed her Partner with ASD as he can't relationship well amd is emotionally removed. Umm that's is a lot of men then. But it is ridiculous.

Well yes, but in that case isn't it also out of line to offer up the suggestion to "LTB" based on a few lines of an Internet post?
I agree with another poster that often when neurodiversity is suggested, it is because the OP has mentioned dc with ADHD etc. And then there IS an increased likelihood that a parent might have the same.