DD upset- how to help?

[Eelsinealing]

DD has just received her university exam results. She received an upper second class honours degree. She has worked so hard for it and words simply cannot explain how incredibly proud we are of her.

However, she is disappointed with her results. She had her heart completely set on a first class degree and worked as hard as she absolutely could have. I could see it in her eyes that she was bitterly disappointed in herself but tried so hard to remain composed and happy for her friends who achieved their first class degrees.

She has always performed well academically. All we ever asked was that she tried her best and she did every single time. She achieved top marks in her GCSEs and A Levels and has worked hard every step of the way.

She performed very well in her first year of university. However she was very physically unwell during her second and third year. She had to juggle various appointments, tests, treatments and all sorts with her university work. We reminded her that she could take some time out to focus on her health but she was determined to complete her degree and not let her health get in her way. It also provided her a distraction and something positive to focus on. She completed some of her deadlines online whilst admitted very unwell, and had to deal with very last minute medical problems and emergency appointments when she had tutorials and other coursework due. Somehow she juggled it like every other student and completed her degree.

I believe that it impacted her performance, however realistically we will never know if she would have ever got a first or not even if she hadn’t been unwell. And it doesn’t matter. She tried her best under extremely challenging circumstances and is already a winner in our eyes.

I have tried to reassure her that an upper second class degree with honours is an incredible achievement (more than I ever achieved!) let alone with the extra challenges she has faced, as she was worried it wasn’t a good degree. It is fantastic! But I know she was bitterly disappointed. I think it’s actually the build up of stress and upset from the last 2 years and it’s all come to a head now. Her goal of a first class degree was a distraction for her. She is out celebrating with her friends and is over the moon for them, but my heart breaks for her that she is disappointed in herself.

Does anyone here happen to know anything about a 2.1 degree and have any words of wisdom I could share with her? She knows we are proud of her regardless of what she achieved which is making her doubt us when we say that a 2.1 is an incredible achievement as she thinks we are just blinded by our pride!

I have just realised that from my post it sounds like we are going on and on to her about how great a 2.1 is (and thus possibly making her doubt us) but we are not- we were genuinely ecstatic at her results when she shared them with us and we only ever discuss it with her when she wants to discuss it and ask us questions 🙂

Well done her! She sounds amazing!

One of my best friends had to repeat a year at uni, graduating with a 2.1 after awful luck with her health. She now gets quoted by academics and interviewed! She took a bit of a zig zag route getting there but it's all worked out.

Hope your dd enjoys her moment! What is she hoping to do now? A break? Work? Further study?

Your daughter worked incredibly hard, tried her very best, and did extremely well despite significant challenges, she needs to be kind to herself and remember that she simply could not have done more.
She may be disappointed in the moment, but hopefully in time she’ll be able to reflect on just what an achievement it was for her given everything, and in the skills she’s developed during the process- grit, determination, tenacity, resilience. In fact these will get her a lot further in her career (and life) than any degree classification ever well. You must be incredibly proud of her.

Speaking as someone who interviews and hires graduates to work with her, what I look for is a 2:1 or higher, along with "other stuff". Some graduate employers are even scrapping the classification requirement and will look at a 2:2 or even a third.

I've turned down grads with a first before because all they've managed to do in three or four years is get a degree. It doesn't really impress me. What I want to know is how good they are at doing other stuff at the same time.

I would usually look for volunteering experience, part-time jobs and/or university sports. However, I would be just as impressed with someone who was managing severe health difficulties and still left with a 2:1.

Someone who got a 2:1 and didn't do anything else is not the same calibre of candidate as someone who got a 2:1 and was severely unwell for a large chunk of the time. Not all university experiences are equal, and employers aren't stupid. We recognise that.

If your DD is interested in a grad scheme, get her thinking about competency questions. You know, the standard 'tell me a time when you displayed trait X'. She can showcase the positive skills she learnt from being ill in those kinds of questions and really shine.

And when your DD is further in her career - people won't even ask what classification of degree she got, maybe not even where she studied. She'll just be 'someone with a degree.'

The details that matter so much to us in the moment always end up being less important with time.

No one has ever asked me what class of degree I have. Honestly most employers don't care! I got an upper 2:1 rather than a first, it bothered me for a week and then I forgot about it. When she see's her future ahead of her, she'll soon let it go.

Honestly I would give her some time to manage her disappointment and then let her get on with whatever comes next.
I have been involved in recruiting for a number of graduate employment roles and funded post graduate training programmes and none have required a first class degree. I agree with other posters that it is the 'extras' that made the difference in candidates being successful.

I know it must seem like end of world now (I got a lower classification - missed by 1% in 1 subject) and was gutted.
30 years later it matters not one bit I don’t even put classification on job application or linked in, my professional qualifications superseded my first degree.
It hurt at time. It did impact me getting a job I’ll be honest (I got down to final 3 and they chose other 2 based on higher classification…fast forward 3 months other girl couldn’t hack it and I got the job)
Just say how proud you are.

To me it just shows how ‘grade inflation’ has affected degrees. It’s not so long ago that a first was for the very few - a 2:1 was eminently respectable.

A niece of dh is another who’s set her heart on a first - I haven’t heard yet whether she’s made it, but in the nicest possible way I know she’s not super-clever, so I do hope she won’t be disappointed. But she comes from a culture where anything but top marks = failure.

Do encourage her to go to and enjoy graduation etc. I went but I felt awkward, with hindsight I’m glad I went.

@Eelsinealing my niece was just the same last year, she was devastated but after a couple of weeks she moved on. @therescoffeeinthatnebula great advice.

Similar happened to DS minus the illness. He really really wanted that first. He worked very hard and got a high 2.1. In fact not one person on his course got a first that year so he didn’t have quite the same issues but he was very disappointed.

Unfortunately for students who have always achieved highly there will always be a point at which they fail an exam, get a slightly less good grade or fail at an interview. Being pragmatic, it’s a good thing to get out of the way. Learning to deal with disappointment is building resilience.

Obviously I wouldn’t be saying that right now but you can gently introduce this concept as you help her actually celebrate her degree rather than mourn the one she didn’t get.

Oh, and DS has flown in his career. Living overseas and in a dream role!

I'm braving for similar situation with DS. He is going to be desperately disappointed if he doesn't get a first, but the chances are slim at best.

How i wish his degree simply had a pass/fail outcome. It would make life so much easier!

*bracing

Well done to her! She sounds like a very impressive young woman.

I moved from the financial services to academia and regularly tell my students what someone has posted above - we would rather someone with low 2.1 and a bit of gumption about them vs someone with a high 1st who thought they knew it all or had zero initiative.

A 2.1 is the standard requirement for things like MSc and graduate programmes, so it's unlikely any doors will be closed to her.

As well as all of the excellent points above, it sounds like her studies really gave her something to focus on at a difficult time. Perhaps the (immaterial) drop from a 1st to a 2.1 is worth it for that alone.

Far too many Firsts are given out now - they used to be rarer than hen's teeth - so everyone thinks they should get one. As pointed out above, a fully rounded CV will count for just as much as the degree classification.

I’m a graduate recruiter and we definitely look for people who have done more than just get a first. I’d be impressed by someone like your DD who showed determination to continue with her degree despite her ill health. It would show me that she was a grafter and not afraid of hard work.

What is her next move OP? In most situations it really won't matter.

I agree with pp- when I was at uni a 2:1 was the goal.

only 2 in our cohort got firsts. they were the two that literally were in the library from sun up to sun down, lived at home, had no social life or extra curriculars.

Then it was about 50:50 between 2:1 and 2:2, with a handful getting 3rds.

a 2:1 in my course got you pretty much anything. I was headhunted for a PhD, and I think we had 100% employment rate.

the only person I met on my PhD course with a 1st got it from an ex poly, and it was generally considered equivalent to a 2:1 from a university.

Honestly, employers don't give a fig. A 2:1 is usually the criteria for a job where a specific degree level is required.

A first class is not really that much more desirable, and in some students may indicate a lack of rounding off - missing out on clubs, societies, paid work etc.

We all think the world will end if we don't get the grades we anticipated, but if she'd got a B instead of an A at school or college, would it make any difference now?

I scraped a 2:1 on second count (by 3 marks!) and no-one knows or cares whether I scraped it or whether I just missed out on a 1st. I lived it up at uni, worked 2 jobs throughout, ran a sports club, was a member of two different societies, took extra classes in Spanish, struggled with 9 bouts of tonsillitis a year until I had them out just before finals....

She's been through a lot and still managed a B average, that's amazing and she should be proud. One day she'll realise it, but right now just let her wallow bit make her keep moving on - graduation, jobs etc.

Believing that you’ve done well, that you’re capable, and that you’re worthy of going on to more success is ultimately the greater factor in whether you’ll achieve that success than the difference between a first and a 2:1. If she dwells on the latter and it prevents her from believing the former, then what holds her back won’t be the degree classification.

It feels like the end of the world right now, but it really isn’t. Ultimately, a degree is just a snapshot of what you did for a very brief period of time when you weren’t much more than a kid, before you had much experience at anything else in life and – ironically - when you actually aren’t anywhere near as capable and clever and knowledgeable as you’re going to be in just a few years’ time. What matters now is what she chooses to do with both her learning to this point and the skills which got her there.

She clearly had some challenges to overcome to get the results she did; and knowing how to overcome challenge, still do your very best, wipe your tears and keep on going will get you a lot further in success at real life than a small handful of largely arbitrary extra marks on an exam paper or piece of coursework. Life is full of challenges and things not going as planned and how you deal with that will be what defines the path you end up taking.

I’m 37, and it’s been over a decade since anybody – either professionally or personally – asked me about my degree. And even if they did, what I learned at 19/20 about the agrarian system of China circa 200BCE and the origins of the Boer Wars is neither particularly impressive nor particularly useful. Not getting a first certainly hasn’t closed any doors for me.

In my day hardly anyone got a 1st. I got a 2.2 and no one really asks.

What was her final actual grade and did the uni know about her health issues? My uni was able to have discretion over final level if on the boundary (e.g. my now DH had dyslexia only diagnosed in y3, he was a mark off a 2:1 so they upgraded him)

Your daughter did very well indeed, power to her.

It's strange the pressures young people put on themselves, 'twas always the way.

It may not be much help to her now but, honestly, in a couple of years her degree result really will not matter to your daughter. She will also fully realise how good an upper second is!

As a consolation, I was reading the other day about Carol Vorderman who said she had been extremely disappointed with the third she got from Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge, back in the day :-).

Life goes on and it is what happens now and from now on that is really important. It takes a while to find the right niche and your lovely daughter has a great mum to help her through ups and downs. Good luck.

I was going to say this

I split up with my bf in 3rd year, he went partying and didn't study, plead with his tutor that he was in fact heartbroken and that's why he couldn't do any work and ended up getting a better grade!!