To split from DH but stay living together?

[Blueberryblu]

DH and I have decided to split after a long difficult time, no infidelity, have tried couples counselling etc.
We have been planning to live apart but with the impact on the kids, plus interest rates going up it’s looking less and less feasible to get two properties (we want to split custody 50/50). We are now considering living together (separate bedrooms) until youngest DS is at least 16 (currently 11), but as separated people.

AIBU? Are we mad to consider this? Has anyone else experienced this (or come up with creative solutions to avoid it)?

Would nesting be an option? That way you would both have privacy and time apart without the need for splitting the home

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/money/bills/nesting-new-cost-of-living-trend-parents-children-move-out-home-2401417#:~:text=The%20parents%20or%20carers%20take,early%20stages%20of%20a%20separation.

I've known people to try this. Not best of both worlds. Worst of both worlds.

You can't ask friends home with ex-husband lurking,, let alone boyfriends and you're setting yourself up for being in no man's land. If you can in anyway, avoid it don't.
While sharing with husband, can you imagine meeting up with the girls at lunchtime and ask them back to yours for cocktails? Bet that wouldn't work.

I wish you well, but if you want a new life this ain't the way to do it xx

Well you could do this now but both save hard for when the time comes that you need to live apart. You need ground rules as well.

Almost impossible to build a new single life, let alone meet someone new if you live with your ex. I mean what would people say on here is someone said they’d met someone really great who’s still lived with ex but, honestly it’s over?

And weird for the DC about what’s happening. Someone I knew moved into the annexe and the kids were pretty screwed up. No idea of the actual impact.

Lastly how would you live alongside one another peacefully? Share chores, shopping, cooking? Or live entirely separate lives?

I split from long term partner, in similar circumstances as you describe. My ex couldn't find any where to live immediately so we continued to live together but already split, told everyone including the children. We got on reasonably well, so no arguing or anything. But after about 4/5 months, I just had enough. I couldn't really move on with my life, neither could he. And although we were getting on okish, there was a low level tension, trying to keep it amicable all the time especially for the kids. It's also really difficult to process how you feel, your emotions when you are stuck in this sort of limbo land. In the end I said he really needed to go, he ended up moving into a friend's. I felt so much less lonely after he'd gone, than when he was still here. Not saying it was easy but it felt more manageable. And although sad, it also felt positive too, able to start moving forward and make plans for the future. Good luck.

It can be maddening sharing space with your nearest and dearest. Imagine how annoying it would be when they do something that irritates you and you have none of the usual reasons to remind yourself how much you love them.

It might be possibly to life as flat mates, but I think you would really need to work at it.

And, you are each tacitly putting any private life on hold for the duration.

Good luck b

I know a couple who have done this, for a similar time period. Now the youngest has almost finished GCSEs and the time is coming for the split, I know the wife wishes they had separated a lot sooner. The husband seems to be in denial that they will be selling up in the next few months and I'm not entirely sure how it will work.

That said, they live in an expensive area and couldn't have afforded 2 properties. And neither of them wanted to only see their kids half the time. So while she regrets it, I'm not sure what they could have done differently while maintaining their living standards and having 100% custody....

I think you’d be utterly mad. Neither of you would move on, one of you would doubtless be constantly annoyed and the kids would be completely confused!

Wouldn’t you like a bit of freedom, or even a chance to have some time to yourself? Even if it’s a smaller place?

As said up thread, far better to downsize the main house and buy a smaller flat/ studio as well and then do nesting- so then there’s no need to buy 2 “family” houses.

It entirely depends on the couple. If the split is genuinely amicable and you still love (but not in love) or care for each other and genuinely respect each other. I think it can work. You also need clear rules and boundaries. Such as who has responsibility for what and when. If one wants to go out is it assumed the other will look after the kids? Will you have set days that are your responsibility? What about bills and food shopping and cooking? Will you cook for the other? And housework? What about dating? What boundaries will you have? And don’t say ‘neither of us want to date’, because loads of people say that. Then start dating and because it’s not been discussed it causes issues. What’s the end point? When you can afford 2 houses? When the kids are a certain age? Are you going to divorce?

I think in most cases it doesn’t work because there’s usually some resentment from a marriage split. Or resentment from the set up. One person not happy with it in a few months or one meets someone etc.

Thanks for the replies so far - which mostly reflect my fear that it could become difficult… nesting is something we’ve considered too, renting/buying a small flat or even renting a room (eg as a lodger) if funds only stretch that far…

Me and my ex still share our house. We've been doing this for 3 years so far and it's fine. Neither of us want to go through the hassle of packing, estate agents, cleaning etc. We'll probably get round to it eventually, but in the meantime no probs.

Thanks @Dillydollydingdong.Can I ask if you have kids?

I think it probably could work for some couples.

as you say the alternative is too expensive.
”Nesting” sounds practically a bit awkward but probably cheaper than two separate houses.

Me and my ex still share our house. We've been doing this for 3 years so far and it's fine. Neither of us want to go through the hassle of packing, estate agents, cleaning etc. We'll probably get round to it eventually, but in the meantime no probs.

Same, works fine.

Thanks @AllOfThemWitches , do you think you’ll keep sharing indefinitely?

We have the added complication of a disabled child so it is the best way to co parent at the moment. Plus we both have plenty of time out of the house separately. So, no plans to change anything as it stands.

How will it work if you get a boyfriend or your ex gets a girlfriend? Will you bring them home to sleep with? That would just be really awkward.

Could you buy a 2 bedroom, rent out bedroom number 2 and nest in bedroom 1? I lived my ex for 6 months- it wasn't terrible but made it impossible to move on. We then nested for 6 months and now have our own places. There is a part of me that wishes we carried on nesting - had much more money and the kids liked it.

It probably is possibly but only until one of you want a new relationship. It could be very difficult for the other to see life is moving on.

As a short term thing it could work, but you'd have to be clear on expectations with each other.

You can claim benefits if you are separated even living together - not separately - it’s quite common

Yes this seems to be the main problem really, it seems okay now but what will it be like in the future… it might be fine but neither of us can predict it.