Relocating with a 16 year old.

[Murphster72]

Hi I have a 14 year old son & have been living in a part of the UK that I never would have chosen to move to,ever since he was 6 weeks old, (moved for husbands job) I have never settled here & am desperate to move home. We hoped to move 3 years ago just in time for him starting high school but due to the manic housing market at the time we couldn’t secure a house & therefore missed our time slot (we didn’t want him starting a new school especially from primary to secondary a few months in)

Now we are thinking our next opportunity will be when he is 16 & has left high school & presumably will go to college.

is it totally wrong to drag him away from his friends at that age? I know he would meet lots of people at college but he will be coming home to no friends until he has chance to meet them.

I just don’t think I can wait until he’s 18.

TIA.

Can I ask why you left it so long in the first place OP? If you've always disliked the area, surely it would have been a good idea to move to somewhere you were happy before he even started school, and definitely in time for him to start high school. I think you've really left it too late now. Maybe leave it until he's finished his exams, and then ask him what he feels about a move at that stage, but I think you know deep down, that he's unlikely to want to move away from his mates, so I think you are stuck for another 4 years, but you've made it this far, so 4 years isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things I guess.

We moved 70 miles when daughter was 16. It was actually prompted by her wanting to go to an all girls sixth form and I was wanting to move back to London so leapt at it. Even though she was a big part of the decision and she was prepared to leave her friends, it was a very big adjustment for her and I had quite a few second thoughts whether I'd rushed her or pushed her into agreeing.
Anyway, here we are almost two years later and today she told me she's as happy as she's ever been! That looking back she was much more anxious than now (I would not have said she was an anxious kid so this came as a surprise). She's had to grow up alot in the last two years and push herself way out of her comfort zone.
I do think your son needs to be on board with your decision. But I don't think it's a terrible thing to do.

Before sixth form is a good time to move. You cannot stay in an area just because of your son. Prepare him for a future move and it will work out fine. I did it with 2 x 10 yr olds, a 12 and 14 yr old. Within a term they were settled.

What does he think?
Last summer, I moved a 14 and 16-year-old, we didn't do it lightly, and it's been a roller coaster. 12 months on, they can acknowledge the pros of the new place and school, but both are still homesick and if given the chance, would move back like a shot.

16-year-old DS would say he has made friends but not confidants; those are still his old friends back 'home' so thank god for technology and the ease at which he can keep in touch. Actually, he probably talks to me and tells me more about his life and how he feels about things because he doesn't have those confidants close at hand, which you could argue is a good thing, I guess, but it does make him sad at times. There can be a huge case of FOMO when the old gang are celebrating or even just hanging out.

You need to talk to him very openly about why you want to move and what the new option looks like. Listen to what he has to say and remember that what he thinks is important may differ from what you think is important. Does he make friends easily, and is he confident in himself to start from scratch? Get him as involved as possible, especially on school choices, where you live, and continuing any ECAs. What does he want to do at college? What are the options where you want to go compared to what is available where you are currently? Would his cohort at school tend to move around anyway at that age, ie some to college, some to sixth form?

You'll get posters that say kids move all the time, and he'll be fine. And, of course, many of them will be fine, but only you know your DS's personality and how he'll cope.

You say you want to move "home".
What is it sbout "home" that matters to you or is better for you? I assume its an area your ds is familiar with? Does it have advantages for him too?
Have you discussed it with your ds?

I think it's a good time. People will be moving to different places anyway. Not everyone stays on for A levels.

If he goes to a sixth form college there will be lots of new people and things to get involved with.

Emphasise that he can stay in touch with his school friends. And go back for visits. I'd book to go back in the October half term just for a couple of days.

I have had recent experience of this when I relocated with my two teenagers 2.5 years ago. Both had to start sixth form college the new area. DD very much wanted the move and DS very much didnt. DS was quite a quiet lad and lacked confidence at meeting new people, was very comfortable where we lived and I worried about how he would ever go into the big wide world, he was also spending a lot of time gaming. Well I can honestly say that he has absolutely thrived here, he is like a completely different person. Going to a college rather than a sixth form is better because hardly anybody knows anybody and so they are on a level playing field and not so many already formed friendship groups. He met 'his people' and says moving was the best thing we ever did, had two jobs and is just finishing A-levels and will be deferring for the year to work locally and enjoy the year out. He has various gigs and concerts with his mates and is off to Spain with them this summer and this was a lad that wouldnt leave his room much. I was terrified that I had made the biggest mistake and felt so guilty at first, it take a little while for him to settle and there were tears but it ended up being far far better than I could ever imagined for him.