To be running out of patience with DD18

[StressedOutMumSendWine]

NC for this.
My dd is 18, she's suffered in the past with MH for which she has support in place. Previously we've had missing episodes, self harm, the whole lot.
The issue lately seems to be work, she had a job last year then quit, she said because of MH, whilst off work she has done nothing but sit in her room and talk to people she's met on TikTok.
She recently got a new job and was supposed to start last week, she cancelled and rearranged. They rearranged for today, she set off this morning then messaged me to say she'd been sick and was sent home.
AIBU to not believe her? Her friends have told me she's told them she doesn't want to work, not because of MH she just doesn't see the point apparently. She had regular meetings with her MH coordinator who tells me he thinks working could be good for her.
My AIBU is I cannot afford to keep her, I work 2 jobs and DH works full time. I also have a 15 and 8 year old dd.
She's said in the past she applied for benefits but was told she's not eligible due to me and DH working, not sure how true this is.
She seems to have time to go out drinking with friends with no issues but when it comes to work she can't do it!

Are you giving her money?

She should still be eligible

I have done until recently when I put my foot down and said she needs to find work

Is she can go out with her mates, she can work. Stop giving her money and tell her that she needs to start giving you rent money (even if you save it in a pot for her to use for future) so she needs to get a job or she needs to move out.
An amazing amount of youngsters like to pull the MH card when it suits. I recognise many have had problems with it, but these ones tend to be fine when doing things they want to do and suddenly too unwell when it comes to something they don’t want to do.

Where is she getting money from to go out drinking?

I would stop giving her money (if you are) other than the absolute essentials.

She will be eligible for the under 25 rate of benefits, it's not loads and she will be expected to job search.

Presumably she doesn't see the point in working because she doesn't struggle for money?

This is exactly her. When it's something she wants to do it's absolutely fine, even it comes to something she doesn't want to do then suddenly her MH is bad

I was giving her money until recently but not for drinking, her best friend pays for that more fool her. I stopped all money last week as she was due to start work then she changed it and I thought she's taking the piss so I no longer give her money for anything

Btw I have a long history of depression and am on high dose ADs and having therapy, I am still managing to hold down a good job and have a career. Having mh issues alone isn't enough to "excuse" anyone from working, it depends how it badly affects the person's daily life, if they have sought treatment. if your dd's mh issues were bad enough to stop her from working, she would qualify for disability benefits after an assessment, but from what you've written it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Be careful she isn't weaponising her MH to get out of doing things she doesn't want to do.

She sounds immature. Fair enough, she is 18. She will soon buck her ideas up if you stop funding her. Feed her and pay her mobile phone bill. Anything else she has to justify - if she says she needs work clothes then take her out yourself so you can see where the money is going.

I'm surprised none of her peers have asked her what her plans are. When I was that age it was very uncool not to have at least a part time job and a vague plan!

I’m afraid that at 18 I’d expect drinking money to come from working. Many kids are working full time or studying full time with a part time job at the same age.

So I’d be offering the basics for home: food, cleaning products. Make up, clothes, going out is funded through work. We support to a greater extent as DS is still doing exams, but he has a job on the evenings. He’ll have a week off when exams are done, then needs to look for more work.

I provide her with essentials, she already gets all meals as she's under our roof. I told her if she doesn't work she needs to move out as we can't afford to fund her. Now apparently I don't understand MH, except I do, I was on antidepressants a couple of years ago due to her behaviour plus caring for her sister who has an eating disorder and I've bent over backwards and supported her in her MH

This is what I say to her. My best friend has a long history of MH problems, she's attempted suicide more than once but had therapy and treatment and manages to work. When I see the struggles my best friend went through dd's are nothing in comparison, I'm not minimising her problems I'm just saying others have it far far worse.
I think she definitely uses it as an excuse, there's no reason why she can't work she just doesn't want to

She should be able to get benefits. I know a couple who have a 21 year old daughter. She suffers with mental illness and gets benefits. She gets universal credit and pip.

I’ve had this with my son when 16 to 18 he was similar and avoided working and left a few different part time jobs sometimes after the first day sometimes a few days in. Now he’s very happy working full time
My guess is that she is still struggling with anxiety and avoiding any kind of stress that increases the anxious feelings such as starting work in a new environment?
Also , maybe has a bit of arrogance and immaturity about being part of the adult working world?
Maybe tell her that while it makes everyone uncomfortable or anxious when starting a new job, it is always best faced head on so that , in time, the anxiety eases, and you then not only less anxious, but also proud of yourself for being independently earning an income

Im guessing she is avoiding admitting to friends that she bailed from work due to anxiety by saying that she doesn’t see the point in working

Tell her that she got herself through previous difficult times, and she has come a long way from the past experiences and now can do anything she wants to do in her life. I would encourage her that any job is better than no job, it’s her choice what she does but not ever an option to not be working when you are capable.

You could encourage her that putting one foot in front of the other to get herself out of her comfort zone will lead to happier times

Not an easy time but she will mature, and be proud of herself and her achievements in the adult workplace, in time.

Cut off all access to funds, sit down with her and tell her she has to manage her MH alongside work as hundreds of thousands of people do.

She needs to get a job or move out. I also think you need to point out to her that her friends are all going to move on without her unless she starts to grow up - does she want to be living in her childhood bedroom at 25? Doing a minimum wage job and living in poverty at 30. It’s harsh but I think she has been overindulged so some sharp words wouldn’t go amiss - and it’s true, she is wasting her life.

I don’t think the OP’s daughter is going to get Pip, give her support worker is saying she can work. it’s also the last thing she needs - her anxiety will get worse and she’ll never leave the bloody house.

Good luck!

Hey everyone thought I'd give an update.
So DD started the job again she was sent home from last week, she's on her second day and is absolutely loving it.
We had a chat and she said she felt very nervous and anxious because it was a new job, she's managed to push through that and so far is really enjoying it,
Obviously it's early days but I've noticed a real change in her the last couple of days, she's more positive and upbeat and has a reason to get out of bed on a morning. She's already made new friends at work and this morning was talking about driving lessons.
Fingers crossed it lasts 🤞

Great update OP!

That’s great to hear x long May it continue, and well done to your DD

Oh that’s wonderful news, now you really can go and enjoy your wine or cuppa, @StressedOutMumSendWine

Sometimes they need something like this to prove to themselves they can do. Anxiety in a new situation is awful but if you can push through like your dd seems to be doing.
All the best for the future for you all.💐